Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
Written By - Norma Safford Vela
Transcribed By - Paul Booth
Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Jenny - Michelle Beaudoin
Libby - Jenna Leigh Green
Mrs. Bogzigian - Ella Joyce
Cee Cee - Melissa Murray
Jill - Bridget Flanery
Guidance Counsellor - Eddie Allen
Teacher - Ariel Felix
Principle Larue - Tom McGowan
Gordie - Curtis Andersen
Student - Phillip Glasser
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Hilda and Zelda are tidying away laundry while Sabrina studies the magic book.
Sabrina- I don’t get it, I’ve been studying my magic book and it’s just too hard.
Zelda comes over and sits beside her on the bed.
Zelda- Oh here, let me help you. Ah! Here’s one for silence. (Reading) Affix the taste organ of a humped ruminant adjacent to one’s dentation.
Sabrina- I have no idea what that means.
Hilda- It means put a camel tongue in your mouth. It works, but you’ll find out why camels spit so much.
Sabrina- I think I’d rather actually be doing my homework.
Zelda- Sabrina, magic is part of your education too. Sure it’s hard work and it might seem difficult at times but with plenty of practice...
Hilda- (Interrupting) Oh why don’t you just get a straw and suck all the fun out of it?
Hilda flips over a few pages in the book and points out a particular page.
Hilda- (Cont.) Oh you are going to live this section.
Sabrina- (Reading) Magic for dummies?
Hilda- Try this one, it’s a hoot. Oh, it’s great at parties.
Zelda- Oh please! That’s the oldest trick in the book. That’s so old mortal’s are doing it.
Sabrina- Let me try
Hilda gets a top hat from the top shelf of Sabrina’s wardrobe and tosses it to her.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay, here goes.
She stands and holds the hat while waving her free hand over it.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Abracadabra.
She reaches into the hat, way into the hat. Her arm disappears almost to the shoulder as she feels around inside and eventually comes up with what she was looking for.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey, it worked! I pulled a rabbit out of a hat.
Rabbit- Hey, put me back! My wife Renée is about to give birth.
Sabrina- Oh sorry.
Hilda- Relax, that happens a lot with rabbits.
Sabrina puts the rabbit back in the hat.
Sabrina- I didn’t know.
Run opening credits.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina’s just come down stairs with her school bag, Zelda’s at the counter making breakfast, Salem’s sat on the kitchen table and Sabrina goes over and scratches the top of his head.
Sabrina- Morning Salem.
Salem- Maybe for you, I’m having a bad fur day.
Sabrina- Poor kitty, what’s wrong?
Salem- Couldn’t sleep last night. I tried reading the most boring thing I could find but not even your diary could do the trick.
Sabrina- How’d you read my diary, it’s locked?
Salem- I picked it with my dew claw. So, who’s Harvey?
Sabrina- He’s... no one.
Salem- Yeah, no one with the worlds most perfect side burns.
Sabrina has a quick glance round embarrassed and hoping that her aunt didn’t hear.
Sabrina- That’s enough!
She picks Salem up and tosses him out the back door, but not before Salem makes sure everyone knows.
Salem- (Chanting) Harvey and Sabrina! Harvey and Sabrina! Harvey... Meow!!
Sabrina pulls the door too locking the mocking pussy out and heads for the counter.
Sabrina- Hey look, toast.
Zelda enters down the stairs.
Hilda- Good morning, I’ve got great news. Guess who’s going out with the head of the Witches Council tomorrow night? I’ll give you a hint.
She gestures with her hands and a flashing red neon arrow appears suspended in mid air pointing at her as she smiles happily.
Zelda- I don’t believe it, you're going out with Drell?
Sabrina- The big ugly guy with the Mole?
Hilda- Yes, and I’m so excited.
Zelda- Oh Hilda, don’t. Excitement brings hope.
Sabrina- What’s wrong with hope?
Zelda- Every time he makes a date with Hilda he breaks it.
Hilda- He did that once or twice, or maybe a thousand times but may I remind you that every time that Drell has cancelled he has always sent me a lovely token of his affection.
Zelda- Yeah, he always sends a pot-roast.
Sabrina- A pot-roast?
Hilda- Flowers wilt, say it with beef.
Sabrina- Well I’d love to stay and listen to more tales of romance and meat, but I’ve got school to ruin my day.
She picks up her nap sack.
Sabrina- (Cont.) See ya.
She exits through the back door.
Salem- (OS) Harvey and Sabrina! Meeoow!!
Int. Westbridge High School. Home Ec. class. Sabrina shares a cooker and counter with Jenny, Libby shares with her friends Jill and Cee Cee, Harvey shares with Gordie. They all have a napkin apiece.
Mrs. Bogzigian- Now the use of the cloth napkin exploded in the early nineteenth century and since there was no TV, napkin folding became a popular art form. Lets start with the bishops mitre.
She holds up one she’d made earlier.
Jenny- (To Sabrina) Why do we have to learn this?
Sabrina- In case our cable goes out?
Libby and her friends are enjoying themselves giggling about something.
Jenny- I think Libby and her friends are talking about us.
Sabrina glances over to their counter.
Sabrina- No they’re not. Don’t be so paranoid Jenny.
Jenny- Paranoid? They’re pointing at us and laughing.
She takes another look.
Sabrina- Oh, you're right. Well just ignore them... Are they still doing it?
Harvey wanders over with his napkin.
Jenny- Hi Harvey.
Harvey- I’m having a little trouble with the bishops mitre,
He holds out his screwed up white napkin.
Harvey- (Cont.) the best I can do is a snow-ball.
Jenny has a quick look round to make sure Mrs. Bogzigian isn’t watching before taking Harvey’s napkin.
Jenny- I can help.
Sabrina- I’ll supervise.
Harvey- You know the only reason I took home ec. was so I could eat during class. Coach says I’ve still got to bulk up and carbol loading can get pretty lonely.
Sabrina- Well we’ll keep you company any time you have to eat.
Jenny- Yeah, we’re good at that.
Harvey- Hey, I’m going to the pizza place tomorrow night to force down eight slices, d’you guys wanna watch?
Sabrina- Sure, cool!
Jenny hands Harvey the finished bishops mitre and Harvey puts in on his head, making a little bow.
Harvey- (Cont.) Bless you.
Jenny- Oh that’ll be fun, hanging out with Harvey.
Sabrina- Yeah, that’ll be a lotta fun.
Jenny- Just the three of us.
Sabrina turns her attention back to her napkin and the bishops mitre.
Sabrina- Okay, the pointy ends...
Jenny- (Interrupting) Do you ever wonder what Harvey’s thinking about when he’s looking out the window?
Sabrina looks across and sure enough Harvey’s leaning on the wall gazing out of the window.
Sabrina- Probably football?
Jenny- No. No, I bet he’s thinking about nature, or-or poetry, or the poetry of nature.
Sabrina- Mmm, I’m sticking with football.
Jenny- Oh he’s so quiet, I wish I knew him better.
Sabrina- Jenny are you sure you wouldn’t rather go alone with Harvey tomorrow night. Y’know, just the two of you?
Jenny- No, would you?
Sabrina- No. I just like him as a friend.
Jenny- Me-Me too.
Mrs. Bogzigian- Need help Sabrina?
Sabrina- Well I er, I can’t really do that bishops thing...
She slips the napkin out of the teachers sight and points at it. The napkin folds itself in a complex origami sort of way before she turns back to show Mrs. Bogzigian.
Sabrina- (Cont.) I did make a rose.
Mrs. Bogzigian draws in a breath at how real the rose looks, Sabrina smells it
Int. School hallway. Sabrina’s at her locker with Jenny.
Jenny- Oh look, here comes our fan club.
Libby and Cee Cee come down the hallway.
Libby- Hi Jenny, Hi Sabrina.
They walk on giggling together.
Sabrina- Hey, is there something funny about our names?
Libby- Not Jenny’s.
Sabrina- You know, why don’t you guys just leave us alone. We’re not bothering you.
Libby- You're still breathing aren’t you, freak! (To Jenny) Double freak!
Laughing Cee Cee and Libby turn and walk away.
Sabrina- (To Jenny) We can’t let her get to us.
But she already has as Sabrina slams shut her locker in frustration.
Sabrina- (Cont.) It’s what she wants. I just wish I new what she was saying.
Jenny- Well what difference does it make, everything Libby says is a lie.
Sabrina- Hey, maybe we can retaliate by spreading lies about her.
Jenny- What can we say? That she’s actually nice and sweet?
Sabrina- Not much revenge in that.
Jenny- No. Face it, the world’d be a much better place if everyone told the truth but you can’t stop someone from lying.
Sabrina wonders as Jenny walks on.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina sits on her bed with her magic book open and her pet cat Salem beside her. She’s found what she’s been looking for.
Sabrina- Yes you can! You can stop someone from lying. It’s right here Salem, (Reading) 'Truth Sprinkles' Do they work?
Salem- All too well, it’s how the Witches Council got me to confess my scheme for world domination.
Sabrina- Well, do you wanna help me bake your highness?
She picks Salem up.
Salem- Like I have a choice.
Int. Spellman Kitchen. Salem is lay on the counter supervising as Sabrina reads the recipe from the magic book.
Sabrina- This looks easy. (Reading) 'Pre heat oven to 500 degrees'
She turns to the oven.
Salem- I don’t think so, check again.
Sabrina- (Reading) 'Pre heat oven to 5,000'!
Zelda enters through the back door with groceries.
Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, can you help me, I’m trying to make truth sprinkles.
Zelda- Oh you're using your magic, excellent. Do you want to make them from scratch or use instant?
Sabrina- There’s instant? I’ll use that.
Zelda- Huh! Witchcraft in an MTV world, it’s all quick cuts and funny angles. Now we keep our potions regarding openness and truth in a secret cabinet. This is a very special moment.
Sabrina- The moment I get to see the secret cabinet?
Zelda- Well if you're going to make fun, I wont show it to you.
Luisa- Psst! The cabinets over here.
Sabrina- Who said that?
Luisa- Me, Luisa, over here.
Sabrina walks over to the other end of the counter where a picture of a lady hangs on the wall.
Sabrina- Whoa! These walls really can talk.
Salem- Sometimes they never shut up.
Luisa- Don’t start with me cat, I’ve seen what you do when they’re out of the house.
Zelda- Oh for Pete’s sake, the moments ruined.
She points at the section of wall where Luisa hangs and it swings open revealing a full length cabinet.
Sabrina- Oh neat! Hey, look at all these things. frog lips, freeze dried eye of newt, hey!
She brings out a plastic container of sprinkles.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Are these the truth sprinkles?
Zelda- No. They’re ice cream sprinkles, they’re in the wrong cabinet.
Hilda wanders in from the living room.
Zelda- (Cont.) Hey Hilda, have you seen the Jiffy Truth?
Hilda- Yeah, it’s in my bag. I used it last week when I took my car in for repairs. It turns out I really did need new break pads.
She crosses to her bag, pulls out a box of sprinkles and hands them to Sabrina.
Sabrina- (Reading) 'Jiffy Truth, one hundred percent refined truth, trace amounts of harsh reality. For best results, sprinkle on something sweet as the truth can be bitter.'
Hilda- It is great stuff, it makes you reveal your true feelings. Oh, which reminds me. Zelda, the postman has a crush on you.
Zelda- That is not what the sprinkles are for, they should only be used in serious matters.
Sabrina- Well this is serious. You remember Libby? Well she’s been spreading lies about me and Jenny and... it’s really upsetting Jenny.
Hilda- Well give Libby some sprinkles, and if those don’t work...
She reaches into her bag and brings out a plastic aerosol bottle.
Hilda- (Cont.) ..try some Lady Bald Spot, you just spray it and...
Zelda- (Interrupting) Hilda, that’s enough. Sabrina, you can take the sprinkles but let me warn you, the truth can have painful side effects.
Sabrina- Like what?
Zelda- Itching, chafing, hurt feelings.
Sabrina- Sounds like gym class.
Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Harvey’s taking a drink at the water fountain when Libby comes up to him.
Libby- Harvey, you would not believe what I’ve just heard. Okay, I’ll tell you. That’s not Sabrina’s real nose.
Harvey- It’s not?
Libby- Don’t you get it? She had surgery.
Harvey- Why? What’s wrong?
Libby- Never mind.
She walks off leaving Harvey confused.
Int. Home Ec. class. Mrs. Bogzigian is calling her students to order.
Mrs. Bogzigian- Alright, everyone to you stations. You know what today is, it’s Bundt cookin’ Fritag. It’s Bundt Friday!
The students don’t share Mrs. Bogzigian’s excitement as they all look at one another with a ‘So?’ expression. Mrs. Bogzigian holds up her Bundt cake pan.
Mrs. Bogzigian- Get your pans. Now, did you know that Richard Nixon’s favourite snack food was the Bundt? Oh he’d eat it secretly, and then deny it, but if you listen closely to those tapes...
Int. Home Ec. class. Later. Mrs. Bogzigian lifts her finished Bundt to her nose.
Mrs. Bogzigian- Smell your Bundt’s. Smell your neighbours Bundt’s. Hmm.
Jenny is cutting Sabrina and hers Bundt.
Jenny- We got really lucky, our Dutch chocolate looks much better than Libby’s fourteen grain.
Sabrina- You know I think maybe I’ll offer a piece of our cake.
Sabrina- Just to show she can’t get to us.
She takes a slice of cake on a plate and adds her own secret ingredient. The truth sprinkles.
Jenny- You're a much nicer person than I am.
Sabrina takes the cake over to Libby’s bench just as Cee Cee and Jill take a bite of their Bundt.
Sabrina- Hi Libby.
Cee Cee and Jill both dash off to the sink to spit out the awful cake and wash the taste away.
Sabrina- Er, do you want to try a piece of our cake?
Libby- Like I’d taste anything you gave me. What’s in it, poison?
Sabrina- No, just chocolate.
She waves it under Libby’s nose, tempting her.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Lots of chocolate.
Sabrina- And sprinkles.
Libby- Oh all right.
She takes the plate.
Libby- (Cont.) But I’m not going to start being nice to you.
She takes a bite of the Bundt.
Sabrina- That’s okay, I just want to ask you one question. Libby, what have you been saying about Jenny and me behind our backs?
Libby- Like I’d tell you!
She swallows the cake and the sprinkles, the magic immediately kicks in.
Libby- (Cont.) Okay, here’s what I was saying. I was saying that her father’s in jail and that she cheats on taxes, and then I threw in that you had a nose job.
Sabrina- But those are all lies.
Libby- You don’t have to tell me.
Jill and Cee Cee arrive back.
Cee Cee- What’s going on?
Libby- I was just telling Sabrina all the rumours we’ve been spreading about her.
Jill- Why? She’s not in the loop!
Libby- So? (To Sabrina) And by the way, it was Jill who made up the nose job story. Which is actually very funny because er, she’s the one who...
Libby taps her nose as Jill looks on horrified and clutches her nose.
Jill- You swore you’d never tell!
Libby- And Cee Cee, she kisses her Pete Sampras poster every night.
Cee Cee- You snitch!
Jill- That was too much, You told her my secret, I hate you...
Cee Cee- Now I’m going to tell everybody about your mom...
Sabrina slips away and leaves the three former friends arguing and joins Jenny, who’s watching the developing row with interest.
Sabrina- Yeah, I have a feeling Libby won’t be spreading anymore lies.
Jenny- Are you serious, how did you do that?
Sabrina- Piece of cake.
Sabrina looks down at their counter for the sprinkles but can’t see them.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey, did you see a container of sprinkles on the counter?
Jenny- Yeah, Mrs. Bogzigian took them. She got really excited and started putting them on all the Bundt’s. Then she left the room.
Sabrina- Gotta go!
She turns and runs from the class.
Int. School hallway. Sabrina runs out of the class and down the Hallway.
Sabrina- Mrs. Bogzigian!
She sees the teacher coming out of the teachers lounge with an empty tray.
Sabrina- (Con.) Oh, Mrs. Bogzigian,
Mrs. Bogzigian- Oh my goodness, offering free food to teacher. I’m lucky I didn’t lose a hand.
Sabrina- You took our cake to the faculty lounge?
Mrs. Bogzigian- Yes, and the sprinkles were a delightful touch. Is there a problem?
Two teachers come out of the lounge.
Teacher- (To the other) I think I’ll skip class, truth is I don’t want to be here any more than the kids do and I can still make the fifth race.
Sabrina- (To Mrs. Bogzigian) No it’s fine. And who knows, it might make the world a better place.
Mrs. Bogzigian- That’s the spirit of Bundt.
Int. Home Ec. class. The row still goes on.
Jill- And you say you're a size three when you're really a size five.
Mrs. Bogzigian and Sabrina enter.
Libby- Yeah? Well remember when a swore I didn’t kiss Danny? I did. A lot.
Sabrina goes over to Harvey’s counter where he’s spreading frosting on their Bunt.
Sabrina- Hi Harvey, how’s your cake?
Harvey- Good, and you know? I didn’t just take home ec. 'cause coach told me too. I like to cook, I like it a lot.
Gordie reaches over for a finger full of frosting but Harvey spots him about to mar his lovely smooth surface and raps him on the knuckles with his spatula.
Harvey- (To Gordie) Hey!
Sabrina leaves them to it and goes back to her own counter.
Jenny- Hi. I saved us a piece, with sprinkles.
Sabrina- Hmm! Well, you go first.
She takes a fork full.
Jenny- (Cont.) Wow! This is good. D’you know what it tastes like?
The magic sprinkles take effect.
Jenny- (Cont.) It tastes like I lied to you yesterday.
Sabrina- You lied to me! About what?
Jenny- The truth is I’d rather go to The Slicery alone with Harvey tonight.
Sabrina- Just the two of you?
Jenny- I think Harvey and I might be soul mates and you said you only liked him as a friend, so you don’t mind, right?
Sabrina- Yeah, sure.
Jenny- Perfect, I’ll go and tell Harvey you're not coming.
Mrs. Bogzigian- Sabrina, you didn’t get any cake.
Sabrina- No, y’know... I’m really not very hungry.
After the teacher’s left she turns and sees Jenny and Harvey laughing and talking together and begins to fully understand Zelda’s warning, she was certainly chafing and her feelings were in a beaten up heap on the floor.
Int. School hallway, later. Sabrina walks alone and miserable down the hallway, Libby, Jill and Cee Cee walk past still arguing
Cee Cee- Freak!
Jill- Shovel head!
They go past shoving and digging each other but Sabrina is oblivious as she tries to come to terms with her best friend wanting to date the guy she fancies. Her route takes her past the Guidance Counsellors office where she sees a plate of bundt cake on his desk and overhears.
Guidance Counsellor- Let me give you the truth Ricky. You kids come in here and talk about your futures, your dreams but what about me? You think I wanted to be a guidance counsellor? Heck no, I was born to play the blues.
He pulls a mouth organ from his top pocket and accompanies himself.
Guidance Counsellor- (Singing) I got no future and neither do you, your SAT scores are four-thirty-two. Welcome to loserville.
Sabrina leaves the singing counsellor and heads over to her locker. where she overhears Gordie talking to another student.
Gordie- Come on, how far did she let you go?
Student- How far! I didn’t even try to kiss her.
Gordie- You didn’t?
Student- Nah, I’m not ready, didn’t I tell you I’m a virgin?
Gordie- Really? Me too.
Gordie- I feel really awkward right now.
The two boy quickly go their separate ways as Sabrina puts away her school books. A voice comes over the school PA.
Principle Larue- Attention students, this is principle Larue. I just wanted to announce that as soon as I finish this yummy bundt cake... I’m going to the movie’s, like I do every Friday afternoon and I’m payin’ for my popcorn with petty cash. Thank you.
Sabrina can’t believe how bad things are getting with all this truth being told everywhere. She turns from her locker heading for home when she runs head on into Harvey.
Harvey- Sabrina, Jenny said you weren’t coming tonight. Is it something to do with your nose?
Sabrina- No, I just can’t make it. You and Jenny have a good time, I’m late for the bus.
She barely holds back the tears long enough to run down the hallway and round the corner.
Harvey- (Calling after) Hey! You run funny.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda working at the table on her lap top computer as Hilda comes in wearing a tight fitting leather mini skirt and matching waist coat with a leopard print top beneath.
Hilda- Stop whatever you're doing, this is more important.
She closes the lid on Zelda’s lap top to ensure her full attention.
Zelda- I was on the verge of a major scientific breakthrough.
Hilda- Nobody cares. Okay, which look do you think Drell will like better, tough chic or...
She raises her hand to her forehead in a dramatic gesture as her outfit changes to a scoop neck blouse with short, billowing sleeves and a long flowing skirt. Her waist is synched by laced up bodice
Hilda- (Cont.) Damsel in distress?
She places her hands on her hips and her outfit changes back.
Hilda- (Cont.) Tough chic or...
And once again.
Hilda- (Cont.) Damsel in distress?.
Zelda- Isn’t there something in the middle?
Hilda- Like a tough chic in distress?
She gestures and the damsel in distress skirt changes into the short leather mini skirt.
Hilda- (Cont.) Oow, I like it.
Zelda- I hate it. Oh why don’t you just wear what you wore last time Drell stood you up?
Hilda- He is not going to stand me up.
She turns to leave just as the oven timer sounds.
Hilda- (Cont.) Were you cooking something Zelda?
Zelda- Oh-no! Drell did it again.
She puts on an oven glove and takes a roasting tray from the oven.
Zelda- (Cont.) He sent you a... half a pot-roast?
Hilda- That just means he’s going to be a little late. He’s so thoughtful.
Sabrina enters looking very glum.
Hilda- Oh-no, you look unhappy. Tell Zelda, I can’t let you bring me down, I’ve got a date!
Zelda- What’s wrong?
Sabrina- Well, you were right, high school is no place for the truth. People were blurting out their feelings all over the place, it was awful.
Zelda- Well I warned you, the truth can be unruly but don’t worry, the sprinkles wear off after twenty-four hours.
Sabrina- Twenty-four hours is too late. Ignorance was bliss, I was just too stupid to know it.
She goes off to her room.
Int. The Slicery. Harvey’s playing an arcade game as Jenny enters.
Jenny- Hi Harvey.
Harvey- Hey, you made it.
Jenny- Yeah, I made it.
Harvey- What now?
Jenny- D’you wanna order pizza?
Harvey- Great idea.
They move over to a table and sit.
Jenny- So this is nice, just the two of us.
Harvey- Yeah no Sabrina, it’s great.
Jenny- It is?
Harvey- Sure, now we can order onions. Sabrina hates onions.
Jenny- But won’t it also give us a chance to get to know each other better?
Harvey- Yeah, or we could just play foozball.
Jenny- I’m not really into sports, I’d rather talk about poetry and nature.
Harvey- I’m really not into poetry but natures okay. I mean I like going outside.
Jenny- Me too!
Harvey- But not when it’s cold, I don’t like being cold.
Jenny- Y’see I’m okay with cold.
Harvey- D’ya like hot?
Jenny- Not that much.
Harvey- Oh. Where’s that pizza?
Jenny- We haven’t ordered it yet.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Zelda’s at Sabrina’s bedroom door, she knocks.
Zelda- Sabrina, may I come in?
Sabrina- (OS) Yeah, I’m just practising my magic.
Zelda- Oh wonderful.
She sees dozens of cute little bunnies hopping around Sabrina’s bedroom as Sabrina pulls yet another from her hat.
Sabrina- I think I’m getting pretty good.
Sabrina- And watch.
She takes a cane and with a flourish changes it into two coloured scarves.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Ta-da! I think I’m r