Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
Written By - Jon Sherman
Transcribed By - Paul Booth
Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Jenny - Michelle Beaudoin
Libby - Jenna Leigh Green
Mr Pool - Paul Feig
Drell - Penn Jillette
Principle Larue - Tom McGowan
Commentator - Aeryk Egan
Marge - Sara Van Horn
Student - Milo Ventimiglia
Randy ‘The Destroyer’ - Marvin C. Jones II
Photographer - James D. Fields
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Westbridge High School Hallway, Sabrina comes round the corner wearing a black outfit. Black top with a black bib front skirt, black hose and black shoes. She sees Libby talking to her friends, she wearing a black top with a black bib front skirt, black hose and black shoes. Sabrina stops dead in her tracks, turns and dashes back round the corner.
Int. Girls bathroom. Sabrina enters and does a quick check of the stalls to make sure she’s alone before pointing at herself. A magical change later and she wearing a powder blue top and brown check pants. She checks herself out in the mirror.
Sabrina- Much better.
Int. School hallway. Sabrina comes round the corner and sees Libby in her black outfit still talking to Jill and smiles as she walks past down to her locker. As she’s taking out her school books Jenny enters.
Jenny- Hey, love the look.
She bumps hips with Sabrina and walks away laughing. Sabrina watches her go in her identical blue top and brown check trousers. It’s going to be one of those days.
Run opening credits.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina is getting her school stuff ready and putting it in her nap-sack.
Zelda- (OS) Where are you.
Salem slips in through the door.
Salem- You didn’t see me, I was never here.
He nips under the bed to hide as Zelda comes up the stairs and enters.
Zelda- Sabrina, have you seen Salem?
Sabrina- Um... no?
Salem- (From under the bed) You are the worst lier.
Zelda reaches under the bed and gets hold of the struggling Salem.
Zelda- Come on.
Salem- No! I wont go! I wont go! I WONT GO!!
Zelda puts him down on the bed.
Sabrina- Ah, is it time for Salem to be wormed again?
Salem- No worse. I have to do community service.
Zelda- It’s part of his punishment for attempting global conquest.
Salem- As if being a cat for a hundred years wasn’t enough, Zelda had to put me in a pets for prisoners program.
Zelda- I gave you a choice, you could have done highway cleanup.
Salem- Yeah, cats do real well on highways.
Zelda- Stop complaining and get your wormy little butt down stairs in two minutes. It’s time to pay your debt to society.
Salem- (Calling after) Can’t I just write a cheque?
Sabrina- I don’t know what your problem is, it’s nice to help people.
Salem- And what nice things have you done lately?
Sabrina- Me? I do nice things all the time.
Salem- Really? Since you got your magical powers all I’ve seen you do is change your clothes and make brussel sprouts disappear.
Sabrina- That’s not true and I’ll prove it. I’ll use my magic to do three nice things before the end of school today, easy.
Salem- Not so easy. Before you shoot your little finger off, you’d better consider the consequences or ter-rible things could happen.
Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. An election is taking place for class president. A ballot box sits on a table and students mark their Xs against the candidates and slip them in. One of the candidates is Jenny, she spots a potential voter and rushes over.
Jenny- Hi! My names Jenny, I’m running for sophomore class president and I’m with the outsider party.
The other candidate comes up on the students other side.
Libby- Hi! My name is Libby and I’m also running for class president, but I’m with the popular party.
Jenny- A vote for me is a vote for smaller classes and more funding for the arts.
Libby- A vote for me is a vote for more pizza at lunch.
Student- (To Jenny) I’m voting for her.
Sabrina comes over to her friend to console her over yet another lost vote.
Sabrina- She’s pretty much killing you with that pizza platform.
Jenny- I don’t get it, why doesn’t anybody want to support the outsider party?
Sabrina- Maybe because you named it after their biggest fear?
Jenny- Libby thinks being class president is about lunch food and dances. Call me idealistic but I really want to make this school a better place.
Sabrina- Hey, you got my vote.
Jenny- Which gives me a grand total of two.
Libby strolls past to gloat.
Libby- Poor Jenny. There’s nothing like losing to say ‘You're a loser.’
she walks off smiling.
Jenny- I wish I could win, I really wanted to make a difference.
Jenny leaves dejected and Sabrina wishes she could help out her friend. Wait, maybe she can. She give a little inconspicuous point toward the ballot box, it’s sides split open with the massive amount of voting slips it suddenly contains.
Sabrina- (To herself) I think that’s one nice thing.
She walks off pleased with herself.
Int. School hallway. Harvey walks down the hall drinking from a large paper cup, he grimaces as he swallows. Sabrina catches up with him.
Sabrina- Hey Harvey. Whoa! What’s that smell?
Harvey- Protein shake. Coach says I have to bulk up if I ever want to start at running back.
Sabrina- Well... you look fatter.
Harvey- That’s sweet of you, but you see that guy over there?
He points to a boy at a locker down the hall.
Harvey- (Cont.) That’s Randy the Destroyer. Unless I put on twenty pounds or he gets injured, I stay on the bench. Man, I wanna play. D’you wanna go in.
Sabrina- Yeah, I’ll be there in a sec.
Harvey goes into class and Sabrina glances over her shoulder at the destroyer. He’s still at his locker. Another student catches him accidentally as he passes. Randy turns.
Randy- Hey, watch it!
While he’s distracted Sabrina does the pointing thing and he manages to slam his locker door on his hand.
Randy- Aw! My hand!
He nurses his injured hand.
Sabrina- That’s two.
Int. science class. Sabrina and the rest of the class are sat doodling as they wait for the teacher to arrive. Mr Pool enters.
Mr Pool- Sorry I’m late but my car broke down. I made the mistake of trying to go uphill in my AMC Gremlin.
The class laugh.
Harvey- Why don’t you just get a better car Mr Pool?
Mr Pool- Like a Ferrari? Sure, y’know what, I’m going to run right out after class and buy one. And I’ll pay for it with frustration. Now can we move on to science? Alright, today we’re going to talk about the elements and why one can’t turn lead into gold no matter how hard one tries.
Later. Mr Pool as written up a list of the noble gases on the chalk board.
Mr Pool- ...and Radon, which is the heaviest of the noble gases, don’t laugh.
The bell rings
Mr Pool- Alright read chapter four tonight, and take showers.
He points at a student as they make their way out.
Mr Pool- (Cont.) Especially you.
Sabrina- Hey Mr Pool, are you okay? You seem especially bitter today.
Mr Pool- Me? I’m fine.
He picks up his tattered old briefcase from the desk and the handle breaks, as the case hits the floor it bursts open strewing papers all over the floor. He throws down the handle in disgust.
Mr Pool- (Cont.) What a mess!
Sabrina- It’s just a bunch of papers.
Mr Pool- No, my life!
He gets down on the floor and starts picking up the files and papers and throws them into the case. Sabrina kneels down to help.
Mr Pool- (Cont.) I’ve been a teacher seven years and I still can’t afford a new briefcase, I found this one.
Sabrina- I was wondering who T.G.K. was.
Mr Pool- Just to pay my bills I have to work cafeteria duty, I have to supervise the science club and on weekends I wash Principle Larue’s car.
Sabrina- Well maybe you should consider doing something else.
Mr Pool- Like what? I love teaching science, it’s the only good thing in my life.
Sabrina- Well, you have a lot of coupons.
She holds up a wad of money off vouchers.
Mr Pool- Thanks.
Sabrina- Oh, this one for forty cents off Fruit Cooks has expired.
Mr Pool- No! Ah who are they foolin’ anyway, you can no more sweeten a cookie with fruit than you can turn lead into gold.
He stands holding the briefcase closed and heads for the door. What he’s just said gives Sabrina an idea and she points. Mr Pool stops and turns, he’s had an idea too.
Mr Pool- (Cont.) Or can you? Wait a minute, why didn’t I think of this before?
He puts down his case and starts to write on the chalkboard
Mr Pool- (Cont.) Lead, Pb, with mercury.
He turns to Sabrina.
Mr Pool- (Cont.) Thanks for helping me pick up my stuff Sabrina. Now get out, I’m on to somein’
Sabrina leaves and Mr Pool turns back to his formula.
Mr Pool- (Cont.) Yes! Yes this would turn lead into gold. That’s alchemy, it defies the laws of physics.
He doesn’t see Sabrina pop her head back in the door.
Mr Pool- (Cont.) Oh who cares, I’m going to be rich! Woo-Hoo!
Sabrina closes the door again quietly behind her and leans back against the wall with a pleased smile on her face.
Sabrina- That’s three nice things.
Int. Spellman living room. Salem is being strangled, oh, no it’s okay, it’s just Geoffrey having his violin lesson with Hilda. He is awful and Hilda covers her ears wincing as he finishes his piece.
Hilda- That was very good Geoffrey but your E string needs tuning.
She takes his violin.
Hilda- (Cont.) I’ll be right back.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda sits reading at the counter as Hilda enters with Geoffrey’s violin.
Hilda- This one’s for Mozart.
She smashes the violin to pieces against the table. Sabrina enters through the back door.
Sabrina- Hey guys.
She sees the shattered fiddle.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh, I see Geoffrey’s here.
Hilda- Yep. Mozart started spinning in his grave about ten minutes ago.
Zelda- Oh please, let the poor man rest in peace.
Sabrina- I don’t get it aunt Hilda, why don’t you just use your magic to make Geoffrey play better. I mean wouldn’t that be a nice thing for him and for us?
Hilda- Yes, but I would never do that.
Zelda- That’s right, you must be careful about meddling in mortal’s lives. We witches have rules.
Hilda- Who cares about the rules, I just want Geoffrey to keep paying for lessons.
Hilda picks up the broken violin.
Hilda- Well, better get back.
Zelda- Must you?
Hilda points at the violin and it magically reconstructs itself in her hand. She plucks the E string.
Hilda- Perfect. Like it matters.
She turns and heads back to the living room and Geoffrey.
Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, I’m still a little confused about this meddling thing. Why is it you can’t use magic to make someone’s life better?
Zelda- Well because it’s impossible to know what would make a mortal happy.
Sabrina- But what if you knew exactly what would make them happy?
Zelda- Ah well, you still can’t predict the consequences.
Sabrina- But wouldn’t those consequences just be good?
Zelda- Well in some cases the consequences might be good, but then again ter-rible things could happen.
Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. Sabrina enters with her lunch tray and sits opposite Jenny.
Sabrina- Hey, any word on the election?
Jenny- Not officially but this came out.
She shows Sabrina the latest edition of the Westbridge Weekly school newspaper.
Sabrina- How can they print that Libby’s won when the results haven’t even been announced yet?
Jenny- It’s a weekly Sabrina, they usually just go on a hunch.
Sabrina- Yeah, well I have a hunch too.
Principle Larue- (On the school PA) Attention students, this is Principle Larue, and I have in my hands the results of a grand experiment called democracy.
Sabrina- Just say it.
Principle Larue- (Cont.) The president of the freshman class, the winner is Andy Galler. The president of the sophomore class, the winner is...
Jenny- Libby Chessler.
Principle Larue- (Cont.) Jennifer Kelly.
They both leap up with squeals of excitement and hug each other over the table.
Jenny- Can you believe I won!
Sabrina- Yes, I can!
The photographer for the Westbridge Weekly rushes up.
Photographer- Hey Jenny, how about a picture for the year book?
Jenny grabs the copy of the paper and holds it up with a big, beaming smile. The headline reads ‘LIBBY DEFEATS JENNY!’
Int. School Hallway. Jenny and Sabrina walk along and are joined by Harvey.
Harvey- Hey, congratulations Jenny, I’m really glad you won.
Jenny- It’s because people like you voted for me and not pizza.
Harvey- Er... right.
He changes the subject quickly.
Harvey- (Cont.) Hey, I’m having a really great day to. Coach just told me I’m starting at running back tomorrow.
Sabrina- That’s great! That’s what you wanted, right Harvey?
Harvey- Absolutely. You guys gonna come watch me play?
Sabrina- Sure, cool!
Harvey- Cool! And don’t be late 'cause y’know, I’m starting.
Int. Science class. Jenny goes over to Libby.
Jenny- Libby, I just wanted to say that I think you handled your defeat very gracefully.
Libby- Oh, bite me!
Mr Pool enters wearing a red baseball hat.
Mr Pool- Sorry I’m late but I was out buying a new car.
He takes of the hat and shows them the badge on the front.
Mr Pool- (Cont.) A Ferrari, since you asked. Yes, thanks to the miracle of science and an educated brain I now have one wicked set of wheels. Okay! Whoever can explain the crab cycle gets a lump of gold.
Dozens of hands shoot up as he holds up an impressive gold nugget.
Mr Pool- (Cont.) Isn’t learning fun?
Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina enters and sees her pet cat resting on a chair back.
Sabrina- Salem, you're back. How was jail?
Salem- Not bad, there’s a guy in solitary convinced Alan Derchowitze appeared to him as a talking cat. I told him I’d call the governor and plead his innocence.
Sabrina- See? I told you it was nice to help people.
Salem- Are you kidding? I’m not calling.
Hilda enters having overheard.
Hilda- Calling who? About what? Are we getting pizza?
Sabrina- No, I was just going to tell Salem about all the nice things I did today.
Salem- Yeah, but I’m not interested.
He jumps down from his chair and heads for the kitchen. Hilda sits herself beside her niece.
Hilda- I’m interested, tell me. Oh, but wait.
She points at the coffee table and a ham and pineapple pizza appears in a puff of smoke, she takes a slice.
Hilda- (Cont.) Okay, start.
Sabrina- See I wanted to use my magic more to help my friends so I made a few adjustments in their lives and it...
Hilda- (Interrupting) Hold on. Didn’t Zelda tell you there are rules against meddling and ter-rible things could happen?
Sabrina- Not again. Look, everyone’s happy, everything’s working out great okay. There’s nothing ter-rible about it.
Sabrina gets up and goes upstairs, Hilda takes a bite of her pizza and grimaces.
Hilda- This is ter-rible pizza.
Ext. Westbridge High School Sports Field. The bleachers are full as the Fighting Scallions take the field, A Mexican wave does the rounds.
Int. The Commentators box.
Commentator- And a fair catch is called by the Fighting Scallions.
Sabrina and Jenny enter the box.
Sabrina- Wow! Great view. This is so cool, hanging out in the presidents section watching Harvey start.
Jenny- Oh look, there’s Mr Pool. Wow! who’s the blonde?
Sabrina- I think she came with the Ferrari. Oh, no wait, she’s with the guy next to him.
Commentator- The Fighting Scallions break from the huddle and Harvey Kinkle is the lone set back.
Jenny- There’s Harvey. Wow, it’s so great that he’s out there.
Sabrina- Yeah, thanks. Oh, are you sure that’s Harvey?. He looks kinda small.
Commentator- It’s first and ten from the twenty-one and the Scallions keep it on the ground. Cougar hands off to Kinkle...
Sabrina- Harvey’s got the ball!
Commentator- ...and he is pummelled. Oh the humanity, that guy had no business being out there. Oh this is a ter-rible thing.
Sabrina who had been clutching Jenny in horror at what just happened to Harvey stares at the commentator.
Int. School cafeteria. Monday. Harvey sits with his arm in a sling as Libby spoon feeds him his lunch.
Harvey- Oh! Aw!
Libby- Oh you poor thing, it even hurts to chew.
Harvey- No, it’s hot!
Sabrina sits with Jenny at another table but looks across to where Harvey’s sat.
Sabrina- I feel so bad about Harvey, I can’t believe he’s sprained his arm.
Jenny- I can’t believe that’s all he’s sprained.
Sabrina- Can we change the subject, lets er, talk about you being president.
Jenny- Alright, I have my big meeting with Principle Larue this afternoon.
The student who voted for Libby earlier comes by.
Student- Hey Jenny, tell Larue to do something about this meatloaf huh?
Jenny- Meatloaf? Hey man, what about intellectual freedom? (To Sabrina) I’d better go, I’ll see you later at The Slicery?
Sabrina- Yeah, we’ll get pizza.
Jenny- Great idea, this meatloaf really gags.
Jenny leaves, Sabrina gets up to ditch her tray and walks past Mr Pool’s table. He’s doing cafeteria duty in style, with a white table cloth and waiter service. Only the best bone china and silverware will do.
Sabrina- Hey Mr Pool, smells good.
Mr Pool- Linguine with white truffles, no more artery clogging sloppy Joe’s for me. Now that I’m rich I have a reason to live.
Sabrina- So are you happy?
Mr Pool- Oh, I’ll say. Well it gives me the freedom to teach science without anger and resentment. I can now teach for the pure joy of teaching. (To the waiter) Ah-ah-ah, leave the whole block.
The waiter puts down the block of cheese he had just been grating over Mr Pool’s lunch and leaves. Sabrina ditches her tray and goes over to Harvey’s table. Libby’s still feeding him.
Sabrina- Hey Harvey, and Libby.
Harvey- So, did you make it to the game on Saturday?
Sabrina- Yeah, I saw you start... and finish.
Harvey- My dads got it all on video, keeps playing it over and over saying that I can learn from it.
Sabrina- Well, y’know let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.
Libby- I’m a cheerleader, let me handle this.
Sabrina- Sure. (To Harvey) Well I just wanted to let you know I’m sorry. Y’know not like a responsible sorry, more like sympathetic sorry in a blameless third party sort of way.
Harvey and Libby give Sabrina a worried look.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Feel better.
She leaves quickly.
Int. School Secretary’s office. Jenny sits waiting to see the principle. The secretary comes out of Principle Larue’s office.
Marge- The principle will see you now.
Jenny gets up and enters the office.
Int. Principle Larue’s office. He’s sat behind the desk that sports a plethora of executive toys in an ambient lamp lit, cosy atmosphere, the secretary shows Jenny in.
Principle Larue- Please sit down.
Jenny sits and hands over a sheet of paper.
Jenny- The reason I called this meeting was to present my five point program, my contract with Westbridge, if I may.
Principle Larue- Proceed.
Jenny- Well the first point focuses on class size, I think...
Principle Larue- (Interrupting) You have no authority there.
Jenny- I don’t?
Principle Larue- No. Next point?
Jenny- Well I’m also concerned about arts funding.
Principle Larue- You have no authority there.
Jenny- Text books?
Principle Larue- No.
Principle Larue- No.
Principle Larue- Huh! I don’t even have authority there. These topics that you raise are not to be addressed in this room. They are decided by powerful men in smoke filled board rooms hundreds of miles from here. It is not your place to question their choices. They know you Jennifer, better than you know yourself. Lets leave the business of school to the people who’s business is school. Student class elections have always been a popularity contest, lets keep it that way.
He takes Jenny’s five point plan and passes it through the shredder
Int. The Slicery. Jenny’s sat alone at a table drowning her sorrow’s as Sabrina enters.
Sabrina- Hey, how’d it go?
Jenny- I’m on me second pitcher of root beer.
Sabrina- Why, what’s wrong?
Jenny- I wish I’d never become president.
Sabrina- You said that’s what you wanted though?
Jenny- Yeah, so young, so naive. I thought I could make a difference.
Sabrina- But you can!
Jenny- No. You keep your illusions but it’s too late for me, I’ve seen how the meatloaf is made.
Sabrina- Oh Jenny, I’m sorry.
Jenny- It’s a ter-rible thing.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina enters dejectedly to find her aunts waiting for her.
Zelda- We need to talk.
Sabrina- Not now, I’ve had a really lousy day.
She heads for the stairs but a quick spell from Hilda drags her forcibly back to a chair by the table.
Sabrina- And apparently it’s not over yet.
Zelda- This came in the toaster for you.
She hands Sabrina the message
Zelda- (Cont.) It’s from Drell.
Sabrina- The head of the Witches Council, what does he want with me?
Hilda- We don’t know. I wanted to open it but Zelda wouldn’t let me.
Sabrina opens the message.
Drell- (OS) Report to my office immediately and brings your aunts with you.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Sabrina comes up the stairs followed by her aunts and heads straight for the linen closet. As she reaches for the door handle she suddenly veers aside.
Sabrina- I don’t wanna go, Drell scares me. You guys go first and tell me what he wants.
Hilda- Hey, I don’t want to see Drell any more than you do.
Zelda- Yeah sure.
Hilda- Look, we used to be in love but I no longer have any feelings for him. How’s my hair?
Zelda- Come on, lets go.
She grabs Sabrina by the arm and drags her into the closet, Hilda follows pulling the door too behind her.
Hilda- (OS) Aw! My foot.
The closet activates taking them all to the Other Realm.
The Other Realm. Drell’s outer office. The trio of witches enter. It has an uncanny resemblance to Principle Larue’s outer office.
Sabrina- I don’t like this place, it reminds me of the principles office.
Drell’s secretary comes in and the similarities grow, She is the image of the school secretary.
Marge- Drell will see you now.
They head into Drell’s office, Hilda gives Zelda a little shove so she will go in first. Sabrina follows looking quizzically at the secretary.
Sabrina- You look so familiar.
Hilda grabs her and pulls her into the office.
Int. Drell’s office. It could be Principle Larue’s, the same lighting, the same executive toys, the same pictures on the wall but the huge man with the long black, curly hair is definitely not Larue.
Zelda- Hello Drell, what a pleasant surprise.
Drell- No it’s not, I summoned you and you're here. Hilda! What’s with your hair?
Hilda- My new boyfriend likes it this way.
Drell- Oh, your new boyfriend. What’s his name?
Drell- Oh well I hope you and ...Um! are very happy.
He points at the seat in front of his desk and indicates the Sabrina should sit.
Drell- Sabrina, why don’t we begin by you explaining to us why we’re here?
Sabrina- I don’t know.
Drell- Stop me if something sounds familiar. Athletic injury, fixed election, altered immutable laws of physics.
Sabrina- Oh that.
Hilda- You didn’t!
Sabrina- I was just trying to help people.
Drell- Help is a four letter word like ‘Dumb’ and ‘Move’ Am I right?
Sabrina- Well first all the people I helped were happy but now only one is and he’s happy enough for all three of them so...
Drell- (Interrupting) Now I should explain to you that when I say ‘Am I right?’ IT’S A RHETORICAL QUESTION! Because I’m always right.
Zelda- Drell please, Sabrina’s a good kid.
Hilda- And things are hard on her. Her mother’s in Peru, her father’s in a book.
Drell- And I’m in the land of I_DON’T_CARE! You're her guardians, you should have warned her that if you meddle with peoples lives ter-rible things could happen.
Zelda- Oh I did, that’s exactly what I said.
Hilda- So did I.
Sabrina- So did Salem but nobody made it sound like it was a big deal.
Drell- Oh Jeez!
He presses the intercom on his desk.
Drell- Marge, get the guys down in ominous warnings to tweak up the reverb on the word terrible. Terrible.
There’s a little bit there.
Drell- (Cont.) Ter-rible!
The echo effect is a bit better.
Drell- (Cont.) TER-R-R-IBLE-LE,-LE-le-le...Oh that’s nice.
It sounds like it’s come straight from the crypt. He presses the intercom again.
Drell- (Cont.) Thank you Marge. (To the Spellman’s) Now that was Marge’s mistake.
He points towards the outer office, the three witches duck as Marge in the outer office explodes with a scream blowing the door open.
Drell- (Cont.) And now back to yours. Now the football injury and the class elections have no global consequences. You can mess with your pimply, pubescent, peers all you want. Alchemy, however, could collapse the world economy and reek havoc on *MY* T bills. Now are you gonna fix this or...
He holds up a cut little cat collar with a bell on it.
Drell- (Cont.) ...should I give Salem a little blonde kitty friend?
Sabrina- No, I can fix it. I mean, I just have to erase the knowledge right? I don’t have to destroy Mr Pool.
Drell- You’ve got a day. That’s twenty-three hours to solve the problem and one hour to shop for a scratching post. Ha-ha-ha-ha! go on, go get outa here!
They jump up and hurry out.
Drell- (Cont.) Oh, except you Hilda. Why don’t you stay a moment?
He sits back in his chair and flips his hair back giving Hilda his sexy look.
Int. Drell’s outer office. Zelda and Sabrina enter,
Sabrina- That’s it, I’m never going to help anyone ever again. He’s just trying to scare me right?
Zelda- Oh look, Marge’s teeth.
Sabrina- I’ve gotta go find Mr Pool!
Hilda comes out of Drell’s office with a smile on her face.
Hilda- Lets go.
Zelda- What was that all about?
Hilda- Oh, he asked me out. I turned him down and Sabrina, now you only have sixteen hours. Sorry.
Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Sabrina runs down and catches Principle Larue as he comes out of the teachers lounge.
Sabrina- Excuse me, is Mr Pool in there?
Principle Larue- You mean the guy who thinks he’s too good to wash my car now? No, I haven’t seen him.
Just then Mr Pool comes down the hall whistling and straightening his tie. Principle Larue checks out his new suit as he passes and Sabrina turns to see.
Sabrina- Mr Pool, there you are. I am so happy to see you.
Mr Pool- Happy to see you too my little coupon picker upper. Come on and walk me to class. Hey, look what I just got.
He pulls a black box from his suit pocket.
Mr Pool- (Cont.) It’s a digital personal assistant, watch this.
He pulls out a stylus and writes on the screen of the box.
Mr Pool- (Cont.) I just sent myself a fax.
Sabrina- Well I know you're really happy with your money but you know easy come easy go.
She’s about to point at him as he continues to play with his new toy but he turns to her suddenly making her hold her fire.
Mr Pool- Oh did I tell ya? I’m funding a grant. It’s called Eugene Pool award for burned out teachers. Healing begins now.
Sabrina- That’s a beautiful dream.
She makes ready with the finger once more.
Mr Pool- Oh man, I just wish everybody could be as happy as I am.
Sabrina- Mr Pool!
Mr Pool- Hm?
She just can’t bring herself to ruin his happy mood.
Sabrina- Just enjoy the next forty minutes.
Mr Pool- Of course, it’s time for science.
Int. Science class.
Mr Pool- Aerobic respiration is correct! Well done Timmy, here you go.
He tosses a gold nugget up behind his back and flips it over to the boy who answered the question. Everyone applauds the toss and the catch.
Mr Pool- (Cont.) And remember everyone. You should learn for the sake of learning and not just for gold.
Sabrina checks her watch. Only a couple of minutes to her deadline, she can’t put it off much longer.
Mr Pool- (Cont.) Well that’s my last lump for now, I’ll just make some more up tonight.
He taps his head with his finger.
Mr Pool- (Cont. to himself) Oh you’ve got it wired up here.
Sabrina winces as she points and Mr Pool starts to tap his head harder then knock on it with his fist as his expression changes from a happy smile to desperate horror.
Mr Pool- No! No! It’s gone! I’ve lost it! I never wrote it down! Oh this is a ter-rible thing. (Sob, sob, sob)
Int. School cafeteria. Sabrina sits alone feeling depressed. Jenny enters looking very chipper.
Jenny- Hi Sabrina. (she sits) You look bummed.
Sabrina- Yeah, like everyone else.
Jenny- Oh I’m not bummed, I made my peace with the universal meatloaf.
Jenny- Yeah, watch. (Standing, to all) Can I have your attention! I just wanted to say that I ran for president because I thought the job was about more than dances and lunch food. I was wrong so I think you’ll be better off with Libby.
Libby looks stunned for a moment as everyone applauds but soon recovers.
Libby- I’m in control? Yes! And I am one step closer to the Whitehouse.
Sabrina- (To Jenny) Nice speech. So you're happy?
Jenny- Very, I’d much rather be jaded than naive.
Sabrina- Who wouldn’t?
Jenny leaves as Harvey comes over still sporting his sling.
Harvey- Hey Sabrina, you know when you were feeling sorry for me yesterday?
Sabrina- You mean in that blameless third party sort of way?
Harvey- Well you should know that since I’ve been injured I’ve been having a lot of fun. I’m reading more, I’m writing more, I even think my grades are going to improve.
Sabrina- Wow! So this sitting around thing is really working for you.
Harvey- Yeah, I’m super happy not playing football, just don’t tell my dad.
Int. Science class. Mr Pool is still desperately trying to remember the lead into gold formula. He writes frantically on the chalk board.
Mr Pool- ‘A’ equals ‘A’. Of course ‘A’ equals ‘A’, it’s obvious, it doesn’t need to be stated. ‘B’...
Sabrina- Mr Pool?
Mr Pool- What! Oh it’s you.
Sabrina- Do you have a minute?
Mr Pool- Yes, a lifetime of them and now they’re going by very slowly.
Sabrina- Y’know I was just thinking that Jenny’s happier not being class president and Harvey’s happier not starting in the football team and, well it made me think that maybe you’ll be happier not being rich.
Mr Pool- Hm, happier not being rich? Are you nuts! Being rich is everything I ever dreamed of and now it’s gone, it’s all gone.
He grabs his briefcase from the desk and once again the handle comes away dumping his stuff all over the floor.
Mr Pool- (Cont.) Not again! Sabrina, could you help me?
He gets down on his knees and starts to pick up the papers and coupons.
Sabrina- I’m sorry Mr Pool, I’m not supposed to help anyone.
Mr Pool looks up at her looking so sad she can’t just leave him.
Sabrina- (Cont.) I guess one last time wont hurt.
She gets down to help.
Mr Pool- Oh why couldn’t somebody just destroy me.
Sabrina- It can’t be that bad. I have a feeling thing’s’ll get better real soon, and who knows, maybe you’ll find a new briefcase.
Mr Pool- Yeah, right.
Int. School hallway. Sabrina comes out of the science class room and does her magic little pointing thing leaving a brand new kid leather briefcase with the monogram E. P. on it outside the classroom door. It’s finishing touch, a pink ribbon bow. She leaves as Principle Larue comes down the hallway and does a double take when he spots the case. He looks up and down the hallway, picks up the case, inspects it, rips the bow off and stuffs the ribbon in his pocket and walks off with the case whistling.
Int. School hallway later. Principle Larue comes out of the teachers lounge with his new briefcase.
Mr Pool catches him in the hall with his own case under his arm stuck together with duct tape.
Mr Pool- Steve! Ah, sir?
Principle Larue- What is it Pool?
Mr Pool- I-I-I was wondering, er, if I came by on Saturday if maybe I could... wash your car?
Principle Larue- So! Mr Rockerfeller wants to wash my car. Y’know the only problem is I’ve found a fifteen year old who’ll do it for two bucks cheaper.
Mr Pool- I can beat that, I’m having a back in the same old rut special.
Principle Larue- Well I guess I’ll see you Saturday.
Mr Pool- Oh great!
Principle Larue leaves.
Mr Pool- (Calling after) And er by the way, that’s a beautiful briefcase.