Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
Third Aunt From The Sun
Written By - Nick Bakay
Transcribed By - Paul Booth
Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Jenny - Michelle Beaudoin
Mr Pool - Paul Feig
Vesta - Raquel Welch
Cletus - Miguel Marcott
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda’s quiet breakfast is disturbed by Sabrina and Zelda as they enter arguing.
Sabrina- But it’s my belly button!
Zelda- U-hu! It’s our belly button. You can have it back when you turn eighteen.
Hilda- Don’t tell me, she still wants to hang keys off her navel? Sabrina, even I think that’s gross.
Sabrina- I still wanna do it.
Hilda- You’ll regret it. I had to wait two centuries to have the ‘Cromwell Rules’ tattoo removed from my shoulder.
Zelda- That’s not where it was.
Hilda- Be quiet!
Zelda- The point is these things go in and out of style. You have to remember your built for the long haul.
Sabrina- Well I think it’s cool. But if I have to wait two years, fine! I will. Then I’ll just have everything pierced.
She leaves to catch the school bus. Zelda points after her and a few seconds later Sabrina’s back and she’s got her piercing. Only it’s not where she wanted it and the body jewellery isn’t what she had in mind either.
Sabrina- Okay, very funny. Now remove the bone. Remove the bone! I’m not going to school like this!
Run opening credits.
Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Sabrina’s happy and singing as she puts her books away in her locker. She has every reason to be having lost the bone through her nose.
Sabrina- (Singing) Shake your whammy fanny. Fu-unky song!
Jenny- Hey, what are you singing?
Jenny- Well are you going to science?
Sabrina- Well figured I’m here, I might as well.
They head towards the class.
Jenny- So I was thinking about going to see a movie Saturday night. Do you wanna come?
Sabrina- Sure! But it’s gotta be an early show, my curfew’s midnight.
Jenny- You’re so luck your aunts are strict. My parents are really relaxed which makes it hard to rebel.
Int. Science class. Looks like a party’s going on. Students are dancing in the isles as Sabrina and Jenny enter. Sabrina starts to dance along to the familiar song.
Sabrina- Hey Harvey!
Mr Pool enters.
Mr Pool- Alright turn it down. Shake your whammy fanny, oh please! Y’know in my day we had good music.
Harvey- Mr Pool, didn’t you grow up in the seventies?
Mr Pool- Yes... Never mind. Okay er today we’re going to talk about the body’s largest organ, the skin! Now the skin consists of three different layers.
He starts to scratch at his arm.
Mr Pool- (Cont.) The er dermis.
He scratches at his neck.
Mr Pool- (Cont.) The epidermis.
He scratches at his stomach as the students watch bemused.
Mr Pool- (Cont.) And the subcutaneous tissue. What’s happening!
He scratches furiously at his legs body and arms.
Mr Pool- (Cont.) I feel like I’m wearing a burlap unitard. God! I can’t stand the itching. Argh!
Hopping and scratching he rushes off to the nurses office. Sabrina turns to Jenny and Harvey.
Sabrina- What do we do know?
Harvey- Well if Mr Pool’s not back in five minutes we can ditch.
Sabrina- It’s been five minutes hasn’t it?
Harvey- Let’s go!
They start to grab their stuff but a handsome looking woman in a red suit and glasses enters and waves a pencil at them like a wand.
All the students abruptly sit.
Vesta- (Cont.) Stay! Good. Hello class. I am your substitute teacher. My name is Vesta, I’m an Aries. Now doesn’t anyone want to tell me where your teacher left off?
She picks Harvey out in the front row.
Vesta- (Cont.) You! Spill!
Harvey- W-w-w-we were talking about skin.
Vesta- Always moisturise and use an exfoliant. Any questions?
Sabrina raises her hand.
Vesta- (Cont.) Yes?
Sabrina- What does moisturiser have to do with science?
Vesta- Science isn’t everything. What about beauty and art and culture? Why do we have to focus on science?
Sabrina- Because this is biology?
Vesta- Fine! You want science, listen carefully.
Later. The substitute teacher finishes and elaborate diagram on the chalkboard.
Vesta- ...The thermablast joins the ranials which I think explains it all.
She turns to see the students furiously scribbling notes as the school bell rings.
Vesta- (Cont.) Well that’s it for today. Forget everything I said. Class dismissed.
They all put away their books and start to leave.
Vesta- (Cont.) Except Sabrina. You stay after.
Sabrina- (To Jenny) What did I do?
Jenny- I don’t know but if your not out in five minutes I’m notifying the school paper.
Sabrina- Great, it’s a weekly!
Jenny shrugs and leaves.
Vesta- Sabrina, we need to talk!
Sabrina- Did I do something wrong?
Then her straight face cracks into a little laugh.
Vesta- (Cont.) No!
She takes off her glasses.
Vesta- (Cont.) Don’t you recognise me?
Sabrina- Should I?
Vesta- Oh, I’ll give you a hint.
She spins and snaps her finger and her red suit transforms classy black number with white gloves and hat.
Vesta- (Cont.) I am your aunt Vesta.
Sabrina- Let me guess. From my father’s side of the family?
Vesta- Bingo! I even carry a photo of me holding you as a baby.
She pulls out the photo and shows it to Sabrina.
Sabrina- Oh look. There’s aunt Hilda and aunt Zelda. Is that Andy Worhol?
Vesta- Mm. Those were the good times. I don’t know why but the eighties are always the best decade of every century.
Sabrina- Oh look. I’d really love to stay and talk but I’ve gotta get to class.
Vesta- Don’t be silly, we have a lot of catching up to do. Now where can we find a good cup of coffee? Oh I know, Paris.
She snaps her finger and the science class is suddenly empty.
Int. Le cafe neuvou. Paris, France. An empty table in the classy riverside cafe is suddenly occupied by Sabrina and Vesta. Sabrina looks out at the view of the Eiffel tower, then down at the huge cup of coffee in front of her.
Sabrina- You know the weirdest thing? I’m missing French class to be here.
Vesta- No that’s not the weirdest thing. I once... Oh no, never mind.
Sabrina- I think I really should have told someone I was leaving the country.
Vesta- Oh don’t be so jittery. Drink your giant bowl of coffee and relax.
Sabrina- Three sips and I’m already vibrating. My other aunts don’t let me drink coffee.
Vesta- Yes, the evil bean. I’m sure they’re full of all sorts of cant’s and don’ts like (imitating Hilda) Don’t stay up too late and (Imitating Zelda) No you can’t get a tattoo.
Sabrina- You sound just like them!
Vesta- We lived together for two hundred years but we’re very very different. You see they actually enjoy living on Earth and I can’t stand mortals for too long.
Sabrina- You know I’m half mortal?
Vesta- Oh! Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It’s just that, well mortals seem to have to work so hard for everything. It tends to make them bitter.
Sabrina- Oh like my teacher Mr Pool.
Sabrina- What did you do to him anyway?
Vesta- Oh I just gave him a twenty-four hour bug.
Int. Mr Pool’s bathroom. Mr Pool is suffering the effects of Vesta’s bug. It produces acute anxiety, abject terror and uncontrollable screaming. We won’t mention extremely loose bowels as anyone who had a seven foot tall cockroach coming at them in their shower cabinet would suffer that particular ailment.
Int. La cafe neuvou.
Vesta- My point is that we witches can avoid reality if we choose. That’s why I live in the Pleasure-dome.
Sabrina- The Pleasure-dome? Where’s that?
Vesta- The Other Realm. You could come and visit.
Sabrina- I don’t think my aunts would let me.
Vesta- Well we’ll just have to convince them.
Int. Spellman living room. Hilda and Zelda are in disagreement.
Hilda- Look it’s been this way for years, it’s time for a change.
She points at the armchair and in a billow of smoke the plain grey felt chair cover is changed to a floral patterned one.
Zelda- I like it the other way.
She points and it changes back in a smooth, smokeless transition.
Hilda- I’m not going to stand here all day pointing with you.
Salem sticks his head round the door.
Salem- Listen up! That was Sabrina’s school on the phone. They said she missed her last five classes.
Zelda- That’s not like her! Where could she be?
Hilda- What if she’s in trouble?
Zelda- Oh I hope she’s not in trouble.
Sabrina enters wearing a black designer dress, pearl necklace, wide brimmed black hat, black stiletto’s and designer shades. She also carries shopping bags from all the best stores in London, Paris and Rome.
Sabrina- I’m home!
Hilda- You are in big trouble.
Zelda- Where have you been? And what are you wearing?
Sabrina- I went to Paris with aunt Vesta.
Aunt Vesta arrives a lot less laden than her niece. She only carries two tiny little carrier bags.
Hilda and Zelda- (Together) Vesta!
Vesta- Bonjour maysur. Prezzies.
She hands them the tiny bags.
Vesta- It’s French.
Zelda- What are you doing here? I thought you vowed never to set foot on Earth again?
Vesta- How could I stay away? I had to see my niece.
Hilda- She was supposed to be in school.
Vesta- Well we tried to make her last class but then we stopped in Milano for Delato.
Sabrina- You have to.
Hilda- No you don’t. You have to tell people when you run off to Europe for snacks.
Zelda- (To Vesta) And you can’t just take Sabrina out of school.
Vesta- Oh I’m only here five seconds and it’s already ‘can’t’ and ‘don’t’ Doesn’t anything ever change around here?
Hilda points at the armchair. A puff of smoke later it’s all floral again.
Hilda- We got new fabric for the chair.
Vesta- It’s mayhem.
Sabrina- Look, aunt Hilda, aunt Zelda, I’m sorry I didn’t call. I was wrong. Can I keep the clothes?
Zelda- Oh all right, but go and call Jenny, get your homework and start doing it.
Sabrina- It’s practically done.
She heads off up stairs.
Vesta- Such a sweet girl and so hungry for life. Surprising, I mean with the example you’ve been setting for her.
Zelda- We are setting a fine example. We have a loving home filled with discipline and responsibility.
Vesta- What about fun?
Hilda- We have fun.
Zelda- In fact, this weekend I have been invited to attend a very important meeting in Texas on the supercolider. So there!
The phone rings.
Hilda- I’ll get it. It’s probably somebody fun.
Vesta- I doubt it. So a symposium in Texas, who invited you?
Zelda- The visual engineers for the study of theoretical activity.
Vesta- I suppose theoretical activity is bet than no activity at all.
Hilda comes running back in excited.
Hilda- You are not going to believe this! I’ve just been asked to play with the Conniff Trio in Orlando this Saturday. It’s a dream come true!
Vesta- Hilda, lucky you.
Hilda- I know you mean that sarcastically but thanks. I have to pack.
Zelda- Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! You can’t just take off. I have to go to Texas this weekend, what about Sabrina? We can’t leave her alone.
Hilda- Then we have to find someone she can stay with.
Their eyes inevitably drift over to a smiling Vesta.
Vesta- Maybe I can be of help?
Sabrina comes down stairs having lost the hat and the shades but still in her fancy duds.
Sabrina- Jenny just gave me the bad news. I have to read fifty pages by Monday.
Vesta- Kel drag!
Zelda- Um Sabrina, since Hilda and I have to work how would you feel about spending the weekend at aunt Vesta’s pleasure-dome?
Sabrina- I’d really like that! But I’m afraid if I’m too enthusiastic you wont let me.
Hilda- It’s fine! In fact it would help us.
Sabrina- Then... YES! Woo-hoo!
Int. The Pleasure-dome. A large dramatically lit space littered with chaise lounges and coffee tables with art neuvou ornaments. It’s surrounded by closed doors. Vesta shows her niece in.
Vesta- Oh so good to be home.
Two liveried servants and a maid come and take Sabrina’s coat and bags.
Vesta- (Cont.) Welcome to the Pleasure-dome.
She snaps her fingers and both she and Sabrina are in startling new outfits. Sabrina looks down at the bright orange dress she’s wearing and wonders ‘Is this really me?’
Vesta- (Cont.) Ah, leave your cant’s and your don’ts outside. We have only one rule here.
She waves her hand and a neon sign saying ‘No Mortals’ flashes beside her.
Vesta- (Cont.) No Mortals
Sabrina- Great! What a cool place. So I guess your really into doors?
Vesta- Behind each one is a wish fulfilled. Go ahead, take a look.
Sabrina- Well what’s in there?
Vesta- You’ll see.
Sabrina opens one of the doors and sees a darkened room with people dancing and music fills the Pleasure-dome.
Brothers Junk- (Singing) Shake your whammy fanny. Funky song. Funky song! Shake your whammy fanny. Oh funky song.
Sabrina- Is this what I think it is?
Vesta- Yes. You’re back stage at a Brothers Junk concert.
Sabrina- That’s a fact!
She heads in but Vesta pulls her back.
Vesta- Wait! You aint seen nothin’ yet.
Brothers Junk- (Singing) Shake your whammy fanny. Funky song! Funky song!
The door closes.
Vesta- Open this one, it’s one of my personal faves.
Sabrina- What is it?
Vesta- The hall of gratuitous praise.
She opens the door and Sabrina is confronted by her adoring public
Adoring Public- You’re fabulous! We love you! You’re gorgeous! You’re beautiful!
Vesta closes the door cutting them off.
Sabrina- Oh that was fun! You know? I feel really good about myself.
Vesta- We also have a twenty-four hour mall and a restaurant filled with oo-ie goo-ie sliming desserts. And that’s a room filled with gorgeous single men.
Sabrina- Maybe I’ll just take a peek in there.
Vesta- No don’t! Darling, they know you’re here and the longer you keep them waiting, the more they’ll want you.
Sabrina- Oh so that’s how it works?
Vesta- U-hu! So we’ll save that room till later.
Sabrina- But I’m only here for the weekend.
Vesta- Well we’ll see about that. Bob-bon’s?
She holds out her empty hand and by the time Sabrina looks down it contains a plate of sweets.
Int. Supercolider symposium. Texas. Room 107. Zelda enters and looks around at the shelves of cleaning products and the mops and buckets by the wall. The janitor turns to her.
Zelda- Oh is this room 107?
Zelda- Well that’s strange. See there’s supposed to be a lecture here.
Cletus- Be kinda crowded.
Zelda- But do you know anything about a supercolider conference?
Cletus- No, but then I’m always the last to know.
Zelda- Well the invitation says 107 and it’s engraved.
He takes the invitation card from her.
Cletus- Nice! Who’s it from?
Zelda- The visual engineers for the study of theoretical activity.
Cletus- Why don’t they just shorten it to... V.E.S.T.A?
Ext. Orlando, Florida. The Conniff Trio (Including Hilda) play beautifully but it’s drowned out by the roar of engines as race cars whip by only yards from where they sit. Zelda arrives and she has to shout to be heard above the noise.
Zelda- HILDA! HILDA!
Hilda- ZELDA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
Zelda- VESTA SET ME UP! AND SHE SET YOU UP TOO.
Hilda- I WONDERED WHY THEY BOOKED A STRING TRIO AT DAYTONA!
There’s a race car crash and a wheel bounces by.
Zelda- WELL THERE’S YOUR BIG FINISH. COME ON, LET’S GO.
Hilda- ALRIGHT BUT VESTA’S TRICK BACKFIRED. OUR TRIO JUST GOT BOOKED AT THE INDIE 500.
Int. The Pleasure-dome. Sabrina sits with her feet up reading as Vesta dances the macarana round the room.
Vesta- What are you reading?
Sabrina- ‘Jude the obscure’
Vesta- I’ll say! Hey, d’ya wanna learn the macarana?
Sabrina- I can’t. I promised Hilda and Zelda I’d do my homework.
Vesta- Sabrina! We need to talk.
Sabrina- Did I do something wrong?
Vesta- No. It’s just your priorities. Isn’t this obsession with homework getting in the way of your fun?
Sabrina- Well I have to study.
Sabrina- Because you can’t have fun all the time.
Vesta- Why not? Think about that while we join a conga line.
The conga music starts up and they join the line of maraca waving dancers who come in on cue.
Vesta- (Cont.) Ha-ha! Anyone want piella!
Sabrina- I do.
They’ve made it once round the dome when two annoyed aunts enter.
The music dies with a scrape across the record.
Zelda- (Cont.) What is going on here?
Sabrina dashes back to the chaise lounge and pick up ‘Jude the obscure’
Sabrina- Welcome to homework land!
Hilda- (To the conga dancers) Move it along, there is nothing to see here.
They conga out of the dome.
Zelda- (To Vesta) How could you! You tricked us to get Sabrina up here.
Vesta- Dah hey!
Hilda- Well the party’s over, Sabrina’s coming home.
Vesta- You know the rules around here. Now that Sabrina’s at the Pleasure-dome she can do whatever she wants.
Zelda- So that’s your plan!
Vesta- Please! I don’t plan, I scheme. And forgive me for wanting my niece to have a little fun.
Zelda- I have heard enough. Come on Sabrina, we’re going home.
Vesta- She’s staying here!
Hilda- She’s coming home!
Vesta- Staying here!
Zelda- Oh you are so selfish...
Hilda- Come on! she has to be...
Vesta- She is sixteen! She has...
Sabrina- (Interrupting) EXCUSE ME! Can I say something about my life? Look you guys didn’t tell me I could stay in the Other Realm if I wanted to. I didn’t know I had a choice.
Vesta- Well you do.
Zelda- Of course you do.
Hilda- And we know you’ll make the right one.
Sabrina- I will... I’m staying here!
Hilda- But Sabrina! How can you chose the Pleasure-dome over high school? Wait, that didn’t come out right.
Sabrina- Why don’t you guys stay too? We’re having piella.
Zelda- No thanks. We have real lives back on Earth. Come on Hilda, let’s go.
Hilda- (Whispering to Zelda) What! we can’t just leave her here.
Zelda- (Whispering) Follow me, I have a hunch. And don’t look back.
Hilda looks back and silently curses herself.
Vesta- Chow! Adios! Okay dramas over. Let’s hit the water-slide.
She jumps up ready for some splashy action but Sabrina just sits staring after her departed aunts.
Vesta- (Cont.) O-oh! Are you okay?
Sabrina- Yeah I’m fine. I just thought they’d toss around a few more cant’s and don’ts before taking off.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. The closet activates and Hilda and Zelda return home.
Hilda- Are you insane? You left without a fight! What were you thinking?
Zelda- That I want Sabrina to come home.
Hilda- Me too. Now let’s go back and get her. I’ll hold Vesta.
Zelda- No! That wont work. If we tell Sabrina she can’t stay then we’ll just be playing into Vesta’s hands.
Hilda- Can we say it and just not use the word ‘can’t’?
Zelda- Hilda, we’re giving Sabrina a chance to change her mind. Have a little faith, I think she’ll come home.
Hilda- Ooo Zelda, sneaky. You had a scheme.
Zelda- Well Vesta is my sister.
Hilda- (To herself) I want a scheme!
Int. The Pleasure-dome. Vesta is lay belly down on the massage table as a blonde muscular man works the fragrant oil into her back
Vesta- Mmm! That’s good. So good. There’s only one thing that could make this better.
She snaps her finger and she and the masseuse switch places.
Vesta- (Cont.) Now this is relaxing.
Sabrina enters in her swimming costume.
Sabrina- I’m wiped! I rode the roller-coaster seventeen times, went shoe shopping, saw the Brad Pitt I-MAX and man those hot-tubs take a lot out of you.
Vesta- Poor thing.
Sabrina- I just want to curl up with a good book.
Vesta- Oh Sabrina!
She pushes away the massage table with the big blonde Adonis on it. there’s a crash and a cry of pain. Vesta shrugs and turns to her niece.
Vesta- (Cont.) Ah well. We need to talk.
Sabrina- Did I do something wrong?
Vesta- No! Why do you always assume when we need to talk you did something wrong?
Sabrina- Because I’m a teenager?
Vesta- Anyway, you can’t stay home and read on a Saturday night. Not when you could be starring in your own rock video.
Sabrina- I can?
Vesta- Yes sure! All you need to do is come up with a concept.
Sabrina- Oh easy! Okay! We open on smoke rolling across the floor. Cue the dancing clowns and widen to reveal me in a really great outfit.
The phone rings.
A maid brings in the phone and holds it while Vesta answers.
Vesta- (Cont.) Hello? One moment. It’s for you.
Sabrina- For me?
Sabrina- (On phone) Hey Jenny.
Jenny- Hey Sabrina, what’s up?
Sabrina- Not much. How’d you get my number?
Jenny- I called you and your aunts gave it to me. It had the weirdest seventeen digit area code.
Sabrina- Well I’m visiting family in Canada.
Jenny- But I thought we were going to a movie tonight?
Sabrina- I totally forgot! I’m sorry Jenny. Look, maybe I can get back.
Vesta- Your video!
Sabrina- (To Vesta) Well can she come watch?
Vesta- The one rule!
With a wave the ‘No Mortals’ sign starts blinking again.
Sabrina- Figures! (On phone) Look Jenny, I’m sort of stuck here but well you’ll find something fun to do tonight right?
Jenny- Sure. Yeah it’s no problem. Anyway I’ll see you.
Sabrina- I’ll see you. Bye.
She hangs up the phone and the maid leaves. Sabrina’s no longer feeling as excited about her rock video and slumps down on the chaise lounge.
Vesta- Oh your sad. This’ll cheer you up.
She effortlessly uses her magic and holds the result out to Sabrina.
Vesta- (Cont.) Look a puppy. Isn’t he cute?
Sabrina- You can’t distract me with a puppy aunt Vesta. I feel awful.
Vesta- Okay. Remove the puppy.
She gingerly hands the cute, floppy-eared puppy to a servant and sits beside Sabrina.
Vesta- (Cont.) Alright, what’s wrong?
Sabrina- Well Jenny’s my best friend and I just realised, if I stay here I’ll never see her again. I’ll never see any of my friends again.
Vesta- Is that all that’s bothering you? You can see your friends any time you want.
Sabrina- I can?
Vesta- Yes! We have super-secret insider-vision.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Where the fun never stops.
Hilda- I’m looking for looking for Ringo’s nose. That should not be hard to find.
Zelda- Oh I’ve been working on it, here you go.
She hands over the nose and Hilda fits it into the 500 piece Beatles jigsaw puzzle.
Int. The Pleasure-dome. Sabrina and Vesta watch TV. It’s ‘The Spellman show’
Hilda- I still don’t believe Sabrina doesn’t think our lives are exciting enough.
Vesta- Well you can see how it snoops. With this remote you can see anyone anywhere. Now who else do you wanna watch?
Sabrina- How about Salem?
She hits the remote button and switches to ‘The Salem show’ The scene is set in Sabrina’s bedroom and it’s covered with cat toys. Our hero sits in front of the mirror singing to himself.
Salem- (Singing) Shake your whammy fanny. Funky song. Funky song. Shake your whammy fanny. Fu-unky song.
Vesta- U-hu! U-hu!
Sabrina- What’s he doing? He’s got squeaky toys all over my room!
Vesta- You live here now.
Sabrina- Oh! Right. Well let’s see what Harvey’s doing.
She switches over to ‘The Harvey Kinkle Spectacular’ It’s the episode where he’s jumping up and down on the settee playing air-guitar and singing.
Harvey- (Singing) Shake your whammy fanny. Fu-unky song.
Sabrina- I don’t wanna see this. Er I know, I’ll check on Jenny. She’s probably out though.
She switches to ‘Story time with Jennifer Kelly’ and finds her friend sat on her bed reading.
Sabrina- (Cont.) No wait! She’s home and she’s reading ‘Jude the obscure’
Vesta- How pathetic.
Sabrina- But it’s my fault she’s stuck home on a Saturday night. I totally stood her up.
Vesta- Hey! you are in a guilt free zone. Now what about we shake our whammy fanny’s and get you video ready? Fu-unky song.
Later. Vesta ready in her short, black plastic mack, thigh boots and black officers hat.
Vesta- (Calling) Come on Sabrina! I’m dying to see what you look like.
Sabrina enters and poses in the doorway to show off the black and white leopard print mini dress contrasted with black PVC shoulder length gloves and high heeled thigh boots.
Sabrina- I don’t know whether to get funky or go fly fishing.
Vesta- You look fabulous.
Sabrina- These boots are killing me.
Vesta- Deal with it. There’s no room for sensible shoes in rock and roll.
She hands Sabrina a headset microphone and guides her to a circus lion tamers stand.
Vesta- (Cont.) Now you are large and in charge! Alright, camera ready!
The cameraman gets in position.
Vesta- (Cont.) Lights!
Dramatic red and blue spots switch on.
Vesta- (Cont.) Smoke! And action!
Dry-ice slithers across the floor as the intro plays, Sabrina starts to wriggle her Whammy fanny. Four dancing clowns dance behind her.
Sabrina- (Singing) Shake your whammy fanny. Funky song. Funky song. Shake your whammy fanny. Fu-unky song. Whoo! Shake your whammy fanny. Funky song. Funky song. Shake your whammy fanny. Fu-unky song.
Vesta- Come on! Energy up! Up! Up! Shake it! Shake it!
Sabrina tries to continue singing but it’s just not fun anymore.
Sabrina- Oh no! No! That’s it! I can’t shake anymore.
The backing music and the dancing clowns stop instantly.
Sabrina- This is a mistake. Aunt Vesta, we need to talk.
Vesta- Did I do something wrong?
Sabrina- No, I did. Look, I shouldn’t be here, I should be at the movies with Jenny.
Vesta- Oh but that’s so ordinary. I mean you could be a rock star.
Sabrina- I’m not a rock star, I’m a kareoke singer... And not a very good one at that.
Vesta- I think someone needs a little trip to the hall of gratuitous praise.
Sabrina- No I don’t wanna go to the hall of gratuitous praise, I wanna go home.
Vesta- Sabrina you can’t go. I’ll be so lonely without you.
Sabrina- Well you can come stay with Hilda and Zelda and me.
Vesta- ...Maybe I’ll just get that puppy back.
Sabrina- I’d better run. Jenny and I can still make a late show. You know, that is if Hilda and Zelda will let me break curfew.
Vesta- Oh then I guess you’ll be needing this.
She holds out her hand and Sabrina’s nap-sack appears hanging from it with her homework in it.
Sabrina- Thanks. You know I had fun.
Vesta- This is the Pleasure-dome.
Sabrina leaves. Vesta sighs heavily.
Vesta- (Cont.) Oh what now?
She has an idea and walks over to the doorway to the hall of gratuitous praise and opens it.
Adoring public- We love you! You’re beautiful! You’re gorgeous! You’re wonderful!
She pushes the door too.
Vesta- So empty! But it works.
She opens the door again and enters smiling.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina enters to find it a mess with Salem’s stuff scattered everywhere.
Sabrina- Salem, what are you doing?
Salem- Der! I was just reorganising?
Sabrina- You know I saw you singing in the mirror.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda hear Salem’s cry of dismay.
Hilda- Did you hear something?
Zelda- Yes. Be cool.
Sabrina comes down the stairs still in her rock video outfit.
Sabrina- Hi! I’m home!
Hilda- Oh hello Sabrina.
Zelda- What happened? Didn’t you like the Pleasure-dome?
Sabrina- It was okay. But the truth is without ‘cant’s’ and ‘don’ts’ it’s hard to know where the fun is.
Zelda- It’s so nice to have you back.
Sabrina- And it’s nice to be back.
She hugs her aunts.
Sabrina- Now can I go out? You know I promised Jenny I’d go to the movies with her and I feel I should honour that responsibility.
Hilda- You can go but *don’t* stay out past one.
Zelda- And you *can’t* wear those boots.
Sabrina- I’m home!
She points at herself for a quick change into her tatty old jeans, sweater and coat.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Better? Gotta go and thanks for not making a big deal outa this.
Hilda- Deal of the century!
Zelda- She’s back!
They pick up the jigsaw pieces and toss them up into the air with delight.
Hilda and Zelda- (Together) She’s back!
Int. Mr Pool’s bathroom. He’s still struggling to overcome his twenty-four hour bug. Then he gets in a good blow with the sink plunger. The giant bug staggers backwards injured.
Mr Pool- Yes! Yes!
But the bug pulls the plunger away and throws it to the floor. It advances on Mr Pool again who’s taken refuge in the shower stall.
Mr Pool- No! Alright, just let me grab these canisters.
He grabs two air-freshener spray cans from above the sink and takes the fight to the bug.
Mr Pool- (Cont.) All right, I’m ready for you little weevil. Come closer, come a little closer! Suck pot-pouree and die!
He squirts the bug in the face as he dives for cover hitting his head on the wall in the process.
Later. Mr Pool comes round with the aerosols still in his hands.
Mr Pool- Oh man what a dream. Sushi and Kapka don’t mix.
He sees a regular sized cockroach scurry along the skirting-board and is thrown into a panic and lets it have it with both barrels.