Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
A Girl and Her Cat
Written By - Frank Conniff
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Coolio - Coolio
Monty - Dana Gould
Rex - Seth Adkins
Joe - Joe O’Connor
Mary - Karla DeVito
Pizza Manager - Dave ‘Gruber’ Allen
Lulu - Kerry Norton
Newt - Billy West

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. The phone rings and Hilda dashes to answer it.

Hilda- Hello? Cousin Monty, how nice to hear from you. Here’s Zelda.

She forces the receiver into Zelda’s hands and steps back.

Zelda- Hi Monty. Yes we’ll be home for Christmas eve, why?

Hilda stands waving her hands and frantically mouthing the word ‘no’ over and over.

Zelda- (Cont.) You're kidding? Well I was sure you’d have other plans.

Hilda conjures a set of prompt boards into her hands and starts running through them. Each one contains just one word ‘NO’

Zelda- (Cont.) Of course you're always welcome. We’ll spend the holidays together.

Hilda tries again, conjuring a traffic signal in the kitchen, it’s red stop light flashing.

Zelda- (Cont.) No trouble, we’ll see you tomorrow at seven then.

Zelda hangs up.

Hilda- Ugh! You invited Cousin Monty, how could you?

Zelda- He’s family and he shouldn’t be alone for the holidays.

Hilda- But he’s so annoying.

Zelda- Well you should have said something.

Zelda walks off into the dinning room. Hilda looks to the heavens.

Run opening credits.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Zelda has a sinister bubbling brew going in the cauldron. Hilda comes down the stairs and smells the concoction.

Hilda- Ooh, a hot mulled cider!

Zelda- Want some?

Hilda- let me mull it over.

Zelda scoops a mug full from the cauldron and hands it too her sister.

Zelda- Every Christmas that gets a little less funny.

Salem- I’ll take some more egg nog and this time don’t skimp on the Christmas cheer.

Zelda- Oh, no liquor for you Salem, your little kitty liver can’t handle it.

Salem- Gimme a break. You know I always get depressed this time of year.

Hilda- Why?

Salem- Well for one thing, I’M A CAT!

Hilda- Come on, just try and have a little Christmas spirit.

Salem- Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-fah.

Zelda- Now that’s enough. You don’t have to enjoy the Christmas season but you will not ruin it for the rest of us.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina’s full of the joys of the season as she stands in front of her full length mirror and tries on her favourite Christmas sweater. It’s knit with a snowdrops and reindeer pattern.

Sabrina- (Singing) Deck the halls with bows of holly.

She twists round to see how it fits across her back and sees her red polo neck sweater showing through the torn rents in her sweater.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Stupid cat!

She storms angrily out of her room.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Sabrina storms angrily down the stairs.

Sabrina- Salem, were you in my closet again?

Salem- Yeah, so?

Sabrina- You ruined my favourite Christmas sweater!

She turns to show him.

Salem- Yeah, so?

Sabrina- It meant a lot to me.

Salem- Then you shouldn’t have hidden your diary under it.

Sabrina- You were reading my diary again!

Salem- Yes and it’s duller than dish water...

Sabrina- I’ve told you a thousands times...

Salem- ...When I was a teenager we...

Sabrina- ...stay out of my stuff...

Zelda- Stop it you two. It’s Christmas eve and I don’t want anymore arguing. Salem, you owe Sabrina an apology.

Sabrina stands with her arms crossed waiting as do her aunts. Nothing's forthcoming.

Zelda- (Cont.) Now!

Salem- I’m thinking of how to word it.

Hilda- Try ‘I’m sorry’

Salem- Somehow that just doesn’t feel right.

Sabrina- Forget it, I don’t have time for this. I’ve gotta meet Harvey at the Slicery but now I’ve gotta change thanks to you.

Salem- Er, since you thanked me, can I ask a favour?

Sabrina- Excuse me cat? You want a favour?

Salem- Yeah. Can I tag along to the Slicery? I’ve got a touch of cabin fever and I'd really like to....

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Are you insane? I wouldn’t bring you to the Slicery if you were the last person slash cat on Earth.

She storms off angrily up the stairs.

Salem- Man what’s her problem?

Hilda- You are so self centred, even for a cat.

Zelda- How about we leave you alone to think about what you’ve done and when Sabrina comes back down stairs I suggest you apologise.

Hilda- Say you're sorry.

They leave Salem alone.

Salem- (To himself) Hmm, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t think of this sooner.

He stands and jumps from the counter and in a single cat like spring leaps onto the table where Sabrina’s nap sack lies open. He nudges the flap aside and slips in just as Sabrina comes back down having changed her sweater for a pink one. She reaches the table and remembers she’s left something upstairs.

Sabrina- Oh, Harvey’s gift.

One of the advantages of being a witch is that it can save on shoe leather. With a point at the table to present comes to her and materialises beside her bag. She pops the gift inside, grabs the bag and her coat and leaves to meet Harvey.

Int. The Slicery. Harvey sits alone at a table thumbing through a magazine as Sabrina comes in and joins him.

Sabrina- Hi, sorry I’m late.

Harvey- Oh that’s okay. It’s good for me to read ‘Sports Illustrated’ Now I’ll have something to talk about with my dad during church. Anyway here, this is for you.

He hands over a black jewellery box.

Sabrina- Thanks Harvey. It was so sweet of you...

Harvey- (Interrupting) Open it!... Please, I’m kinda nervous.

Sabrina- About what?

Harvey- About whether you’ll like it or not.

Sabrina opens the case and a smile lights up her face.

Sabrina- I love it! It’s beautiful, a silver necklace.

Harvey- Technically it’s a choker.... I just learned that.

Sabrina- Help me put it on?

Harvey jumps up and fastens the chokers clasp at the back of her neck.

Harvey- I hope it’s the right size, my sister helped me pick it out and she’s got a neck like a linebacker.

Sabrina- Your Dad must be really proud.

Harvey- It looks pretty.

Sabrina- Okay, I’ve got something for you.

She reaches into her nap sack and sees her neatly wrapped gift has been shredded. She lifts it out hoping that it’s just the paper that’s like that.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Salem! How did he get to this? My cat ruins everything.

Harvey- Hey, no big deal, I was going to rip it open anyway.

Sabrina- Here.

She hands him the package and he finishes what Salem started.

Harvey- Wow! A scarf, it’s great.

Sabrina- I made it myself.

Harvey- You knit?

Sabrina- ... I made it myself.

He wraps it round his neck.

Harvey- It fits.

Sabrina- Hey look, we both got each other neck stuff.

Pizza Manager- Number seventeen, your pizza’s ready.

Harvey- That’s us. I ordered the Christmas pizza.

Sabrina- With the red and green peppers?

Harvey- Yep.

As Harvey and Sabrina go to pick up the pizza a little black head pokes out of the top of Sabrina’s nap sack and looks around.

Salem- So this is the Slicery, man what a dump.

At the counter Harvey pays for the pizza and spots something hanging from the ceiling.

Harvey- Hey look, parsley.

Sabrina- I think it’s mistletoe.

Harvey- Mistletoe?

Sabrina looks up at him smiling hopefully as he looks down a little nervously.

Pizza Manager- Yeah, go ahead, give her a Christmas kiss. I bet she’d like that. (To Sabrina) Wouldn’t you?

Sabrina’s smile widens and she nods her head yes.

Harvey- Okay.

They stand beneath the sprig and move slowly towards the kiss while at the table Salem’s eye light up over something else.

Salem- Is that what I think it is?

A mouse nibbles at a piece of pizza crust before scuttling off along the wall. Mouse pizza sounds just the job to Salem and he’s out of the bag in a shot and off after the fleeing rodent.

Pizza Manager- What was that?

Sabrina’s kiss is prematurely interrupted by the commotion and she turns away to see.

Sabrina- Salem! I can’t believe this.

She chases after Salem as the Pizza Manager jumps over the counter.

Pizza Manager- Who let a cat in here?

Harvey- Sabrina, isn’t that yours?

Sabrina catches her naughty cat.

Sabrina- He must have crawled into my bag.

Pizza Manager- Oh this cat belongs to you? We don’t allow animals in here.

Sabrina- You let a mouse in.

Pizza Manager- Er oh there’s no mouse. (Loudly) I saw no mouse! Now get that dirty cat out of here.

Sabrina heads for the door.

Pizza Manager- (Cont.) No, not through the front door, cats are a health hazard. Take him through the kitchen.

He leads Sabrina through the kitchen where it’s a lot healthier to have a cat and out the back.

Ext. The alley at the rear of the Slicery. The Pizza Manager pushes Sabrina out of the back door and points at her.

Pizza Manager- And don’t come back!

He closes the door leaving Sabrina and Salem alone in the alley.

Salem- Who’d want to? Dirty cat! I was the cleanest thing in the whole place.

Sabrina- You are in so much trouble. I have never been so mad at you in my entire life!

She tosses Salem down onto the ground and he immediately springs up onto a waste bin and then into an open dumpster full of garbage and pizza crust.

Salem- What’s the big deal? There was a mouse, I chased it, end of story.

Sabrina- Not end of story. You got me kicked out of the Slicery, it was the one place I had a little privacy.

Salem- Don’t talk to me about privacy! I’m the one who has to relieve himself in a box in the middle of the kitchen. D’you know how hard it is to get that far away stare going?

Sabrina- Oh, like anyone’s watching.

Harvey- (OS) Hey Sabrina, are you back there?

Sabrina- (To Salem) Harvey’s coming, now be quiet.

Salem- Oh meow.

Sabrina- I mean it.

Harvey comes round the corner of the alley past the many flyers stuck to the wall carrying Sabrina’s coat and bag with a pizza box in his other hand.

Harvey- I got the pizza to go. Are you okay?

He helps her put her coat on.

Sabrina- No, I’m getting attitude from my cat. Sometimes I wish I could just...

She makes a strangling gesture with her hands.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Urgh! Him.

Harvey- Oh come on, cut him some slack. After all his brains only the size of a walnut.

Salem- Meow!

Sabrina- That’s an excellent point Harvey. Some time I forget he’s just a stupid cat. (To Salem) A stupid, stupid, stupid cat. (To Harvey) I feel better.

Harvey- Good. Come on, I’ll walk you home.

Sabrina- Okay. Just give me a sec.

Harvey nods and moves away down the alley as Sabrina turns to her stupid but angry cat and hold her bag open.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Salem, get in the bag.

Salem- No.

Sabrina- Get in the bag!

Salem- Get lost biped. I don’t need you to get home.

Sabrina- Fine. Stay in the trash for all I care.

She walks away and catches up with Harvey who’s waiting a little way down the alley.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Lets go.

Harvey- You know that’s cute, talking to your cat.

Sabrina- Yeah, if only I could get him to listen.

Int. Spellman dinning room. The door bursts open and Hilda enters in a hurry.

Hilda- No! No! You can’t make me.

She is followed closely by Zelda.

Zelda- We agreed, you promised you would do the cooking this year.

Hilda- But you're a much better cook than I am.

Zelda- I have prepared Christmas dinner for the last two hundred and eighty years. It’s your turn.

Hilda- But I, it...

Zelda- (Interrupting) Hilda! You're not getting out of it.

Hilda gives in and flicks her finger towards the dinning table. Instantly a full turkey dinner spread for four and a cat appears ready to be attacked.

Hilda- I hate cooking.

Int. Spellman living room. The front door opens and a man enters togged out for a yachting trip with a skippers cap, blazer and white pants. He holds a transparent plastic carrying case and a Christmas pudding in one hand and a wheeled suitcase in the other.

Monty- Hello! Anybody home?

The aunts come out of the dinning room.

Zelda- Monty!

Hilda- Monty.

Monty- Glad tidings to all. I come baring figgy pudding.

Zelda takes it from him

Zelda- Oh.

Monty- And you're familiar with my familiar.

He holds up the small transparent case that has a miniature chase lounge in it and reclining on it is a greater crested newt.

Zelda- Merry Christmas Newt.

Newt- Oh, I forgot my fruit cake.

Hilda- Ah, you didn’t mention you were bringing an extra mouth.

Zelda- Oh Hilda, how much can one little newt eat? Besides, any friend of Monty’s is welcome in this house.

Monty- Well I’m delighted to hear you say that Zelly because I have something to declare.

He unzips his suitcase.

Monty- (Cont.) Come forth my lovely. (To Hilda and Zelda) Ladies, meet Lulu.

He pulls back the flap to reveal the contents of his case. Curled up in the impossibly tiny case is a dark haired young woman in a black velvet cat suit. Effortlessly she uncoils herself and stretches.

Lulu- Happy holidays. Oh it’s awful cramped in there, do you mind if I stretch?

And how she stretches. Her leg is pulled a good foot above her head and then she does a hand stand with a splits.

Monty- Isn’t she a pip?

Hilda- Oh she’s pippy alright.

Monty- Of course she doesn’t have a nickel to her name. I only wish I could have married money like Cole Porter but Lord help me, I’m attracted to this.

This was doing a crab, arching her back like it didn’t possess a single bone. Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Hey!

She sees what’s going on.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Man I’m glad I didn’t invite Harvey in.

Zelda- Sabrina, you're just in time to meet our guests. This is Monty.

Monty- Charmed.

Zelda- And Lulu.

Lulu comes out of a backward hand stand beside Sabrina wraps her arm round the back of her neck and offers her hand to Sabrina.

Lulu- Hello.

Sabrina shakes Lulu’s hand.

Sabrina- I can roll my tongue.

And she does just that. After Lulu’s display no ones impressed.

Hilda- Oh, and this is Salem’s oldest and dearest friend, Newt.

Newt- Oldest and dearest friend my tail. You know it’s Salem’s fault that I’m a Salamander in the first place.

Zelda- Newt was into Salem’s scheme for world domination.

Hilda- Way into it.

Newt- Yeah, he promised me Denmark.

Monty- So where is the dear boy, out catting around?

Sabrina- The last time I saw him he was in a dumpster behind the Slicery. He said he’s find his own way home.

Zelda- You left him outside? You know he’s a house pet.

Sabrina- He’ll be fine. Salem’s the only cat in town that can call a cab.

Ext. The alley at the rear of the Slicery. Salem still sits in the dumpster amusing himself.

Salem- (Singing) Said Barnacle Bill the sailor. Ha, ha. Oh that’s all the sea shanties I know. They must be plenty worried about me now. Time to head home.

He leaps down from the dumpster right into the path of a small boy on his bicycle who cannot avoid hitting him and knocking the breeze from his sails.

Rex- Kitty, kitty, are you alright? You don’t look hurt but I better take you home to make thure.

He picks Salem up and puts him in the basket on the front of his bike.

Int. Spellman living room. Monty sips from a china cup.

Monty- Zelda, you’ve really out done yourself. Delicious hot mulled cider.

He puts down the cup and there’s a giggle from the coffee table. Actually it’s a new one with two arms and legs whose arches backwards with a doily across her stomach.

Lulu- It tickles.

Sabrina looks at her with an expression that asks ‘is she right or what?’ Hilda jumps up.

Hilda- Did you hear something?

She gets up to answer the door.

Zelda- Oh I hope it’s Salem.

Sabrina- Tell him I’m still mad at him.

Hilda opens the door.

Hilda- Salem?

Kid #1- (OS)Hey lady!

Kid #2- (OS)Duck, here it comes.

Snow balls whack around Hilda and thump into the door. Hilda laughs a little self consciously.

Hilda- No it’s just a bunch of kids throwing snowballs. (To the kids) Watch out for the ice.

She points.

Kid #2- (OS)Ow! Ouch!

Kid #1- (OS)Yikes! Ahgh!

Hilda closes the door and walks back into the living room scooping snow from her cleavage.

Newt- Er, where is Salem anyway?

Sabrina- Probably out having the time of his life.

Int. Rex’s bedroom. Salem is not having a good time, but Rex is. He’s dressed Salem in a frilly night gown and is playing Vets. He holds his plastic stethoscope to Salem’s chest.

Rex- I can hear you heart kitty, you're going to live.

The bedroom door opens and Rex’s Dad sticks his head in.

Joe- Rex, wash up it’s time for...

he sees Salem on the bed.

Joe- ...Dinner. What’s that?

Rex- A kitty.

Joe- I can see it’s a kitty but where did it come from?

Rex- He followed me home. Can I keep him?

Joe- Oh well, you know how your mom is about pets and we still don’t know where the snake is.

Rex- I won’t lothe the kitty. Pleathe, it’d be the betht Chrithmath prethent ever.

Joe- Keep him in your room, I’ll talk to your mom about it tomorrow. Right now she has her family over and it’s not a good time. Come on, lets get ready for dinner.

Rex- Gueth what I named him.

Joe- What?

Rex- Thtinky.

Joe- Okay.

They leave the room closing the door behind them.

Thtinky- And I’ve got some names for you too kid.

He spots something on the bedside table.

Thtinky- Ooh! Phone.

Int. Spellman dinning room. Christmas dinner is underway and Lulu sits next to Monty cutting her turkey while fondling Monty’s ear.

Lulu- Isn’t he marvellous? I just can’t keep my feet off of him.

Sabrina- You seem like you're really in love.

Monty- Well she’s just so darned flexible.

He kisses lulu’s toes.

Hilda- I still think we should have waited for Salem.

Zelda- It’s not like him to miss a meal. I hope he’s okay, it’s getting cold out.

Sabrina- He has a fur coat. Can we change the subject? Lets talk about.... Monty. I wanna know everything about you.

Monty- I was born in a light house...

The phone rings.

Sabrina- I’ll get it!

She leaps up and runs to the kitchen, clearly more concerned for her missing cat than she’ll let on.

Hilda- (To Monty) A lighthouse?

Zelda- In Nebraska?

Monty- It explains the hat.

Lulu uses her foot to pull his captains hat down over his eyes.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina picks up the phone.

Sabrina- Hello? Oh hi Salem, need a ride?

Thtinky- Help me. I’ve been kidnapped and I’m wearing a night gown.

Sabrina- What! Where are you?

Thtinky- Some kids room. He knocked me out behind the Slicery, I came too just in time to see his house. It has a white door and a Christmas wreath.

Sabrina- Is this a joke?

Int. Rex’s bedroom. Rex snatches the phone away from Thtinky.

Rex- Hello, who ith thith?

Sabrina- Sabrina, do you have my cat?

Rex- Thorry Thabrina, he’th my cat now.

Rex punches the disconnect button.

Sabrina- Wait, don’t hang up!

Rex- (To Thtinky) Phones are not for Thtinky. Now I have to go eat dinner but later I’m going to give you a nice long bath Tho you’ll be all clean for Thanta.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina holds the dead receiver.

Sabrina- What have I done?

Int. Rex’s bedroom. Thtinky contemplates a nice long bath.

Thtinky- What have I done?

Int. Spellman dinning room. Sabrina rushes in shaking her hands upset and agitated..

Sabrina- Salem’s been kidnapped.

Hilda- Kidnapped!

Zelda- By who?

Sabrina- A little boy with a lisp.

Monty- What does he want? I’ll pay whatever it is.

Sabrina- He doesn’t want money; he want’s Salem.

Monty- But remember, I offered.

Sabrina- Look, we have to get him back. Can we use magic to find him?

Zelda- You can’t file a missing witches report for twenty-four hours.

Sabrina- Oh! we can’t wait a whole day!

Hilda- Calm down, we can look for Salem the mortal way. What do we know?

Sabrina- Okay, he’s trapped in a house with a white door and a Christmas wreath.

Zelda- Which in July would have helped us but right now we need more information.

Sabrina- He’s also wearing a night gown.

Hilda- Interesting but irrelevant. We should return to the scene of the crime.

Sabrina- The alley behind the Slicery. Lets go.

Sabrina and her aunts head for the door.

Monty- We’ll go with you.

Lulu- I’m stuck!

She has managed to get both feet tangled behind her head while sitting at the dinning table.

Monty- Er, plan ‘B’, we’ll hold down the fort.

Int. Rex’s bedroom. Thtinky sits on the windowsill gazing out of the frost patterned glass at the freedom beyond.

Thtinky- (Singing) God rest ye merry gentlemen let nothing you dismay. I’m so alone. (Sob)

Int. The Slicery. It’s all shut up, only the fairy lights on the ceiling illuminate it. A face presses to the door window and looks in. It’s Zelda, she knocks.

Zelda- Hello!

No one answers and she walks on.

Ext. The Alley at the back of the Slicery. Zelda comes round the corner past the bill posters stuck to the wall next to the poster saying ‘Bill posters will be prosecuted’ She joins Sabrina who’s looking over some empty crates by the Slicery’s back door.

Zelda- They’re all closed up for the holidays. Where’s Hilda?

Hilda bursts up from under the garbage in the dumpster that Salem had been sat in wearing a complete air fed biological hazard suit with a perspex visor.

Hilda- No Salem but I found a lot of crusts.

She holds up a pizza crust.

Hilda- (Cont.) What’s with people? It’s my favourite part.

Sabrina- We’ve got trash and more trash, we have nothing.

She turns and points at one of the posters. It’s for Coolio’s concert at the Westbridge Arena and its sold out.

Sabrina- He’s our only eye witness and he’s no help.

Zelda- Well, we haven’t asked.

She points at the poster and the picture of Coolio jumps down and stretches before walking over to the trio of witches.

Coolio- Hey what’s going on?

Sabrina- Coolio, cool!

Zelda- We need some information.

Coolio- Oh, as you can see, that’s right up my alley.

Sabrina- We were wondering if you’d seen our cat?

Coolio- Well hanging out in this alley I see a lot of cats so you gotta be more specific.

Sabrina- Well he’s a black cat about this tall.

She holds her hands about a foot apart vertically.

Sabrina- (Cont.) And he talks.

Coolio- Oh the talking cat, I remember him. He was singing sea shanty’s, then he got hit by a bike.

Sabrina- He got hit! Was he hurt?

Coolio- No, but the kid took him home just to be sure.

Zelda- Which way did they go?

Coolio- Um, down that way and to the left.

Hilda- Did you see anything else?

Coolio- Yeah, the kids wheels had a vanity plate, um, his name was Rex. Er that’s Latin for king. Um anyway, I gotta get back to work.

He points his thumb towards the poster that now has a blank spot where he had stood.

Coolio- (Cont.) So erm, well are you guys um coming to the concert?

Sabrina- It says it’s sold out, can you get me tickets?

Coolio- Sorry, I’m just an alley poster, try a bill board. Merry Christmas.

Zelda- Thank you Mr. Coolio.

Hilda- Word to your mother.

Sabrina buries her head in her hand with embarrassment.

Coolio- Right.

He jumps back into his poster.

Sabrina- Okay, we’re on his tail. We now know who, when, how and sort of where. Lets start knocking on doors.

Jingle bell rock starts up and plays through the following.

Zelda knocks on a white door with a Christmas wreath, Sabrina stands at another explaining about her missing cat, the door is closed on her. Hilda Knocks on yet another.

Sabrina stands at a white door with a Christmas Wreath talking to a little six year old girl, The girl shakes her head. Zelda stands at another where a family gathering is in progress. The host and hostess shake their heads and then chink their glasses together in a toast. Hilda stands at yet another were a harassed man with a screw driver in his mouth and bits of a push bike and the plans in his arms shakes his head as a child pulls at his trouser leg.

Sabrina gets a negative from a drunken student decked out in fairy lights and tinsel. Zelda gets a positive from the man with the mistletoe and Hilda an earth from the little boys ray gun

Sabrina describes Salem to a couple at another white door with a Christmas wreath but is barged out of the way by a group of carol singers.

Doors are knocked on all over Westbridge and the white doors with Christmas wreaths swirl around the running Sabrina’s head as she becomes more desperate to find her missing pussy.

Sabrina- (Calling) Salem!

The white doors all close, shutting the witches and their worries out with their festive wreaths. Sabrina kicks the door in frustration, the wreath drops into the snow, she stands for a second contemplating it, then runs away. The song fades.

Int. Rex’s bedroom. Thtinky has managed to shed his night gown and gazes around the room. He’s alone.

Thtinky- I need a plan. What would McGuiver do.. y’know.. if he were a cat?

His gaze passes over the shelves full of toys and books, an inflatable devils trident left over from Halloween.

Thtinky- (Cont.) It’s a crazy idea but it just might.... Nah that wont work.

His gaze moves on past the giant stuffed snake to the net basket hanging behind the door.

Thtinky- (Cont.) But that might.

He jumps down from the bed.

Int. Rex’s upstairs landing. Rex puts his hand on the door knob and calls down stairs.

Rex- Bye, see you next year.

He opens the door a enters.

Int. Rex’s bedroom. He enters and looks around, he can’t see the cat.

Rex- Thtinky? Where are you Thtinky?

As he steps into the room Thtinky puts his plan into effect. The net drops onto Rex and he tumbles to the ground tangled in its webbing.

Rex- Help! HELP! DAD, GET ME OUT. HELP!

Thtinky- Yes!.

Thtinky jumps down from the shelf beside the door and out of the room. The door closes just as Rex manages to untangle himself. He gets to his feet.

Rex- Oh no, Thtinky’s gone!

He runs to the door and opens it to find his Dad standing just outside with Thtinky in his arms.

Rex- (Cont.) Oh yeah, Thtinky’s back.

Joe hands him the cat.

Joe- Yeah, well I told you to keep him in your room.

Rex- I’m thorry Daddy, it’ll never happen again.

Joe- Hm.

He leaves.

Rex- (To Thtinky) I’ll make thure of that.

The front door bell rings. Rex puts Thtinky back down on his bed and runs for the door.

Rex- (Cont.) I’ll get it, I’ll get it.

He leaves pulling the bedroom door closed behind him.

Ext. Rex’s front door. It’s white and has a Christmas wreath along with the number 133 on it. It also has a teenage witch stood outside. The door opens and Rex appears.

Rex- What d’you want?

Sabrina- I’m sorry to disturb you but I was looking for my cat and I was wondering if you’d seen him?

Rex- A cat? No my Mum won’t let me have a pet.

Sabrina- Okay, thanks anyway. Merry Christmas.

Rex- Merry Chrithmath.

He starts to close the door as Sabrina turns away but she quickly turns and stops him.

Sabrina- You have a lisp.

Rex- Tho?

Sabrina- What’s your name?

Rex- None of your buthineth.

Mary- (OS) Rex, who’s at the door?

Sabrina- Rex? You have my cat.

She bends down and takes hold of his arms.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Give me back my cat!

Rex’s mum arrives.

Mary- What’s going on here?

Sabrina- Your son has my cat.

Mary- Oh no, I’m afraid you must be mistaken. My little Rex doesn’t have a cat.

Rex- Thee!

Sabrina- Look, I know he lying. (Calling into the house) SALEM!

Int. Rex’s bedroom. Thtinky is lay on the bed.

Sabrina- (OS) SALEM!

Thtinky- Sabrina?

He jumps down and runs to the closed door and starts to paw at it.

Sabrina- (OS) SALEM!

Thtinky- SABRINA!

Ext. Rex’s front door.

Sabrina- Can I just check his room?

Mary- That’s enough, now don’t make me call my husband. Go away! And merry Christmas.

She pulls Rex inside and closes the door firmly dislodging some snow which falls on Sabrina.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina’s doing her agitated hand shaking thing again as she worries about Salem.

Sabrina- It’s all my fault. I never should have left him alone.

Zelda- Oh he’ll be okay. Even before he was a cat Salem always landed on his feet.

Sabrina- But if it weren’t for me he’d be home. I could kick myself.

Lulu- I can kick myself.

Sabrina gives her a stare.

Sabrina- Can we focus? Okay we have five witches and a newt, we should be able to do something?

Hilda- I’ve got it. We all hide inside a giant wooden horse.

Zelda- Hmm, that worked so well the last time.

Sabrina- What if I use my magic to pop into the house and grab Salem?

Zelda- Too risky, if the little boy sees you you're caught. How will you explain it?

Sabrina- I wouldn’t, I’d just knock him down and run out of there as fast as I could.

Hilda- Oh good plan!

She get a dig in the ribs from Zelda.

Hilda- (Cont.) Bad plan.

Sabrina- Well maybe I just got a better one.

She gets up and runs off.

Int. Rex’s bedroom. Rex is asleep with Thtinky in bed. Thunder rumbles in his closet and lightning flashes round the edge of the door jam waking the boy. The closet door opens

Rex- Who ith it?

A very short Santa enters with a sack full of goodies.

Rex- (Cont.) Thanta! ith that you?!

Santa- Ho-ho-ho!

His voice sounds a little high pitched but Rex jumps out of bed anyway.

Rex- The other kid’th thaid you didn’t exthitht but I knew you did. I knew it.

Santa- Yeah, yeah. Now listen Rex, we need to talk.

Rex- Did you bring me prethenth?

Santa- Yeah I did, Ho-ho-ho.

He reaches into his sack

Santa- (Cont.) Oh I er, I brought you a er... Spatula.

He hands over the handy kitchen tool and reaches again into the sack

Santa- (Cont.) And this er.. Neil Diamond box set.

He hands over the CD case.

Rex- Neil Diamond! Didn’t you get my fax?

Santa- Look, you’ll get more presents tomorrow. Right now though I need to talk to your cat.

Rex- What do you want with Thtinky?

Santa- Well, see you got the wrong cat. Actually he belongs to this sweet little blonde girl who misses him very much.

Rex- Tough luck.

Santa- Well if that’s how you feel about it then let me just give er.. Stinky his Christmas present.

He puts his sack down on the floor and opens the neck wide pointing at the cat.

Santa- (Cont.) (To Thtinky) It’s in the bag.

Thtinky doesn’t take the hint.

Santa- (Cont.) *In* the bag.

He still doesn’t get it.

Santa- (Cont.) Hint, hint, hint.

He finally gets it and jumps down into the bag.

Santa- (Cont.) Okay! (To Rex) Lots of houses to hit, see ya next year.

He slings the sack with Thtinky in it over his shoulder and heads for the closet.

Rex- But Thanta, gimme my cat!

Santa- Gotta go.

Rex- You can’t thteal my cat!

Santa- Watch me.

Santa runs into the closet and pulls the door shut. With a crash of thunder he’s gone.

Rex- Thanta’th thtealing my cat! THANTA’TH THTEALING MY CAT!

Rex’s Mum comes running in in her dressing gown at the noise to find her son stood with a spatula and a Neil Diamond box set in his hands.

Mary- Rex, Rex what’s going on?

Rex- Thanta thtole my cat. (Sob)

Mary- Oh honey, no, you must have been dreaming. You don’t have a cat.

Rex- But I thaw him, he wath real. He gave me thith thpatula.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. The linen closet activates and Sabrina comes out with Salem in her arms, the only remains of the Santa outfit is the red hat. She heads straight down stairs.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina and Salem come down stairs.

Sabrina- We’re Ho-ho-home!

Salem- Merry Christmas

Hilda- Oh Salem, you're back.

Zelda- Safe and sound.

Salem- It is a wonderful life, and you know what I realised? There are worse places to be during the holidays than with your family.

Hilda, Zelda and Monty- Hear, hear!

Lulu- Hurray!

Later. they are all sat around the piano as Hilda plays.

Everyone- Don me now our gay apparel Tra-la-la tra-la-la, la-la-la. Told the ancient Yule tide carol Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Monty- Well, it’s after midnight. Let's exchange gifts.

Salem- (To Sabrina)(Whispering) Pst, I got ya something but it’s up stairs.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina flops belly first onto her bed.

Sabrina- So where’s my present?

Salem- It’s more of a promise than a present.

Sabrina- No present!

Salem- Wait, you’ll like it. I promise to appreciate you and respect your privacy.

Sabrina- From now on?

Salem- Er no. for like a week.

Sabrina- That’s it?

Salem- Okay, ten days but that’s my final offer.

Sabrina- Deal!

Int. Spellman living room. Monty has a gift for Lulu.

Monty- For you.

Lulu- Oh, a ring! Oh it’s beautiful.

He takes it and slips it onto her toe and gets down on one knee.

Monty- Marry me. I don’t care if you're poor and have no spine, marry me.

Lulu- Monty, I would love to be your wife and here, this is for you.

She hands him a small gift wrapped parcel.

Monty- Oh, oh, you shouldn’t have...

He opens it and takes out the present.

Monty- (Cont.) But dear, this is a solid gold cigarette case. But you're a circus act, how could you afford this?

Lulu- Oh, I forgot to tell you. My Dad’s loaded

Monty- Oh, Oh dear girl. This is the best Christmas ever.

He picks her up in his arms and carries her over to the settee where Zelda and Sabrina are dishing out the hot mulled cider.

Zelda- I’d like to propose a toast. To family and to friends.

Everyone- Merry Christmas!

Newt- And to all a good newt.

Int. Spellman kitchen. the next morning. Sabrina, Hilda and Zelda stand at the counter with their morning coffee and Watch Salem on the kitchen table.

Sabrina- I think Salem’s really happy to be home.

Zelda- Yeah, he’s been having a great time all morning.

Hilda- You know next year I don’t think I’ll even bother to buy him a gift.

Well it would be a waste of time as he’s completely ignored it in favour of playing with the colourful wrapping paper.

Salem- This is good, this is so good. Oh the wrapping, greens and reds and ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! It’s the best Christmas ever and it’s great to be home. Ho-oo, yes! Yes! Yes!

Sabrina- I think he likes my paper best.

Int. Rex’s bedroom. Christmas morning. Rex plays with his new toy.

Rex- Brrrrr, brrrrrrrrrr-rrrrrrr. Brrrrrr-rrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

His Mum and Dad kneel with him watching the delight of a child at this time of year.

Run Credits.

Mary- Honey, don’t you want to ride your new motor cross bike?

Rex- No! Brrrrrr, Rrrrrrrrr.

Joe- Well you haven’t played with you new basket ball. How about a little one on one?

Rex- No!! Brrrrr!

Mary- How about your new train?

Rex- NO!!!

Joe- Your dump truck?

Rex- NO!!!!

Mary- Your Volcano?

Rex- NO!!!!!

Joe- Rex! Give Daddy the spatula.

Rex- No, Thanta gave it to me. It’th the betht Chrithmath prethent ever.

Mary- (To Joe) He loves it so much. Where’d he get it?

Joe- Oh, I guess the same place he got that Neil Diamond CD.

Rex- Hey Dad, will you put on Thweet Caroline again?

Mary and Joe- (Together) NO!!!!!!!!