Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
Trial By Fury
Written By - Nell Scovell & Norma Safford Vela
Transcribed By - Paul Booth
Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Shelly - Kathy Ireland
Mr. Rothwell - Ed Begley, Jr.
Judge Samuels - Henry Gibson
Clifford - Bumper Robinson
Gordie - Curtis Andersen
Arresting Officer - Sean Laughton
Judge - Steve Bannos
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.
Ext. Spellman back yard. Sabrina approaches the back door but becomes concerned and cautious.
Mexican music can be heard as Sabrina reaches the door and is able to see in. Her aunts have finally flipped. They are both dressed in colourful Mexican dresses dancing round the kitchen shaking maracas. Hilda wears a wide sunbarrero as does Salem.
Sabrina- Yep, this is were I live.
Int. Spellman kitchen. The music and dancing continues as Sabrina enters.
Zelda- Sabrina, you’re home.
Hilda- Just in time for our Cinco-de-mio celebration.
Sabrina- Cinco-de-mio? It was just El new years.
Zelda- We know but while the rest of New England is complaining about the weather, we are turning up the heat with a little south of the boarder fiesta.
Hilda- Crispy ?*flouchets?*?
Sabrina- No gratsias. You guys are weird.
Salem- Well excuse us for having fun.
Zelda- We were going to ask you to join us.
Hilda- But if you’re too up-tight?
Sabrina- Don’t say that. There’s nothing worse than when your parents call you up-tight.
Hilda- Come on, loosen up. You know you want to wear a sunbarrero.
She points and Sabrina joins the El bandidos gang with a wide sunbarrero colour co-ordinated to match her top.
Zelda- Now try an O-lay!
Sabrina- O-lay! Hey that was sorta fun. Alright, I’m in.
She picks up a tortilla.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Where’s the salsa?
Salem- Over here but it’s kinda spicy.
Sabrina- I think I can handle it cat.
She dips, she tastes, she screams. Flames shoot three feet from her mouth as she does.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!
She dives for the water faucet fanning her mouth..
Hilda- Hm, it feels warmer in here already.
Run opening credits.
Int. Westbridge High School. Math class. Mr Rothwell writes a formula on the chalkboard. He wears a surgical glove on his right hand for the purpose.
Mr. Rothwell- So, ‘r’ equals seven plus eleven over two, or nine... <Atchoo!> And ‘r’ equals seven minus eleven over two, or minus two. <Atchoo!> That’s it, I’ve reached my chalk limit for the day.
He takes off the glove and throws it in the waste basket. Sabrina raises her hand.
Mr. Rothwell- <Atchoo!> What is it Sabrina?
Sabrina- I have a question?
Mr. Rothwell- I know that. That’s why I said ‘What is it Sabrina?’
Sabrina- Well in that problem the roots turn out to be round numbers but what if the roots turn out to be irrational?
Mr. Rothwell- Irrational? You mean like teenage girls? Just express those roots in radical form.
Sabrina- You mean as fraction?
Mr. Rothwell- Didn’t you read the text book?
Sabrina- Yeah but it’s kinda confusing.
Mr. Rothwell- Well let’s find out who’s confused and who isn’t by having a little test tomorrow.
The whole class groan.
Mr. Rothwell- (Cont.) And you can all thank Sabrina for it.
The school-bell rings and they all glare at Sabrina on their way out.
Sabrina- I was just trying to learn!
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem is lay on the bed reading. The phone rings beside him. He answers.
Shelly- This is Shelly.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda works on her computer as Salem pads down the stairs.
Salem- Zelda, you’ll never guess who called. I’ll give you a hint. Shelly.
Zelda- Shelly? Your ex-girlfriend? The one who left you?
Salem- She didn’t leave me! She just needed some time by herself.
Zelda- Two decades?
Salem- Three. But and I repeat but by the sound of her voice, I’d say she has crawling back on her mind.
Zelda- I see. Did you happen to mention that you’re a cat now?
Salem- Is it that noticeable?
Lightning flashes and with the inevitability of thunder following lightning, thunder follows.
Zelda- Oh not again. (Calling) Hilda stop that!
Hilda enters from the dinning room with her violin.
Hilda- It wasn’t me.
There’s another crash of thunder before Sabrina storms in through the back door with a face like... well thunder.
Hilda- What’s wrong?
Sabrina- Mr Rothwell’s giving us a huge math test tomorrow. So now I have to go and memorise formulas like ‘x’ equals why me!
She stomps off towards the stairs and waves her finger at the ceiling. Another deafening crash of thunder reverberates around the kitchen.
Zelda- (Calling after) You watch that finger young lady!
Int. Westbridge High School. Library. Harvey sits at a table reading up on what mitosis is in his biology book while Sabrina works through equations in readiness for her test.
Sabrina- Negative ‘b’ plus or minus the square-root of ‘b’ squared minus four 'a' 'c' over two 'a'
Harvey- (Singing) Shake your whammy fanny. Funky song. Funky song. Shake your whammy fanny...
Sabrina- (Interrupting) Harvey!
Sabrina- You’re singing the funky song. Now it’s going to be stuck in my head during the whole test.
Harvey- Sorry. I didn’t even know I was doing it.
Sabrina- Well I’m really nervous so please don’t sing.
Sabrina- Negative ‘b’ plus or minus the square-root of ‘b’... (To Harvey) I hear you thinking it.
Harvey- I can’t think it?
Sabrina- Not while I’m studying.
Harvey- Can I at least finish this verse?
Sabrina- Yeah, but hurry up.
Sabrina taps her pen impatiently against her fingers as Harvey quickly runs through the verse of the funky song mouthing the words and bobbing his head.
Harvey- Okay. Done.
Sabrina- Good. Negative ‘b’ plus or minus the square-root of... I hate Rothwell!
Harvey- Look Sabrina, you know this stuff. You know you know it, you just have to relax.
Sabrina- I can’t. Do you see this?
She points at herself.
Sabrina- (Cont.) This is me freaking out. Okay now please can I just study?
Harvey- I promise, I wont make a noise.
He gets back to his mitosis but has come to the end of the page. Very carefully and quietly he slowly starts to turn the page. Sabrina glances up at him.
Sabrina- You can turn the page.
He looks up and flips the page over.
Int. School hallway. Sabrina heads for class and comes across Gordie desperately trying to make sense of his math notes.
Sabrina- Gordie hurry!
She links her arm through his and guides him towards class.
Gordie- Wait! How do I find the slope of a line?
Sabrina- Oh that’s easy, you just... I lost it! The slope slipped.
Gordie- If only we had more time.
That gives Sabrina an idea. with a point everyone freezes as time stands still. Sabrina takes her time to seat herself cross legged on the floor.
Sabrina- Much better.
She opens up her text book and looks up the equation.
Sabrina- (Reading) ‘m’ equals dah-de-dah, d-dah da. I knew that!
She stack her books and gets back to her feet. She looks around at all the statue like students and does a quick dance.
Sabrina- (Singing) Shake your whammy fanny.
Then she stands beside the still figure of Gordie before cancelling her stop-time spell.
Sabrina- Okay, it’s ‘m’ equals ‘y’ sub two minus ‘y’ sub one over ‘x’ sub two minus ‘x’ sub one.
Gordie- You saved my life.
Sabrina- Thank me later. Right now move! Move! Move! Move!
She grabs his arm and the run for the class room.
Int. Math class. Mr Rothwell stands at the door looking at his watch.
Mr. Rothwell- Five.
Sabrina and Gordie run in and head for their seats.
Mr. Rothwell- (Cont.) Four. Three. Two.
He pushes the door too right in Emma’s face.
Mr. Rothwell- (Cont.) ‘F’
Sabrina- (To Gordie) Poor Emma.
Gordie- I think she stopped to help that girl in the wheel-chair.
Mr. Rothwell stands at the door gloating through the glass at poor Emma.
Mr. Rothwell- Too late. Bye-bye.
Emma walks off dejected. Mr. Rothwell turns and starts handing out test papers.
Mr. Rothwell- (To the class) Alright let’s get started. The test consists of fifteen questions for a possible one hundred points. The first five are worth nine points; the next five eight points; the last five are little three pointers. You may begin.
Sabrina turns back from handing the test papers to Gordie behind her and manages to knock her pencil onto the floor. She tries to reach for it but it’s rolled a little too far and as she stretches she topples from her chair.
Mr. Rothwell- (Cont.) What was that?
Sabrina quickly stands up.
Sabrina- I dropped my pencil.
Mr. Rothwell- Oh please. I know what’s going on here, you were leaning over to look at your neighbours test.
Sabrina- No! I-I...
Mr. Rothwell- (Interrupting) That’s it! Come sit at my desk, you’ll take the test there. Then I wont have to worry about you cheating.
He takes Sabrina’s test paper and leads her to the front of the class and makes her sit facing the rest of the students.
Sabrina- But I’ve never cheated on a test in my life.
Mr. Rothwell- Then this should be no problem.
Sabrina looks down at her test paper.
Sabrina- (Thinking) Okay, get to work. Negative ‘b’ plus or minus...
But Harvey’s voice interferes with her thoughts.
Imaginary Harvey- (Singing) Funky song. Funky song.
Sabrina- (Thinking) Harvey! Why do I study with Harvey? Because he’s cute. I wonder if we’ll get married? No-no-no! Pay attention. Negative ‘b’ plus or minus... I hate Rothwell! I hate Rothwell!
Mr. Rothwell spins round and stares at Sabrina.
Sabrina- (Cont.)(Thinking) Oh no! Can he hear me think? I’ve gotta relax, can’t tense up.
The sound of pencils scratching on papers catches her attention.
Sabrina- (Cont.)(Thinking) Why is everyone writing so loud? Why did Napoleon want to rule by himself? No! Math, stick to math.
She glances up at the clock, it’s 2-20.
Sabrina- (Cont.)(Thinking) You know this stuff. You can do this. Negative ‘b’...
The school-bell rings. Sabrina looks up at the clock again, it’s 3-10.
Mr. Rothwell- Pencils down, times up.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina’s doing a bit of cooking. A little recipe she found in her magic book.
Sabrina- (Reading) ...Then add one macadamia nut and will have an expanding butt.
She throws a nut into the bubbling cauldron with a happy smile on her face. There's a whomph and a billow of steam. Hilda runs in from the living room.
Hilda- What’s going on? I heard an explosion! Oh, your just making soup.
Sabrina- No. I’m stirring up a little revenge for Mr. Rothwell.
Hilda- What happened?
Sabrina- It was so humiliating. He made me take the test in front of the whole class.
Hilda- Like some sort of zoo monkey?
Sabrina- Yeah. (With sign language) Co-co hate teacher man. (Normal) Anyway I know I flunked. So I’m giving him an expanding butt until I can find the perfect revenge spell.
Hilda- Well you know nothing says ‘Pay-back’ like (Reading) ‘Just desserts’
Sabrina- (Reading) ‘The spell that guarantees he’ll get what’s coming to him’
Hilda- But it’s only to be used as a last resort. You might want to try and deal with him the mortal way first.
Sabrina- You mean tepee his house?
Hilda- No. Talk to him.
Sabrina- I don’t want to. You talk to him.
Int. Westbridge High School Math class. Mr. Rothwell sits at his desk marking test papers as Hilda enters.
Hilda- Mr. Rothwell?
Mr. Rothwell- Yeah.
Hilda- Hi, I’m Hilda Spellman, Sabrina’s aunt. I wanted to talk to you about the test she took today.
Mr. Rothwell- Excellent timing, I’ve just finished correcting them. I’ll find hers.
Hilda- Oh thanks. See she’s upset because she thinks she’s failed but I know she didn’t because she’s very bright and she studied so hard...
Mr. Rothwell- (Interrupting) She got an ‘F’
Hilda- That’s impossible. Are you sure you added it up right?
Mr. Rothwell- Miss Spellman, I’m a math teacher but feel free to double check.
He gets up from his desk to put the marked papers away and shows off an inordinately large butt. Hilda stifles a giggle.
Mr. Rothwell- (Cont.) There were fifteen questions. The first five were worth forty points, the next five worth forty-five and the last five were worth fifteen. Sabrina got two of the biggies, three of the middies and one of the babies for a grand total of forty-five points. What percent of a hundred?
Hilda- Oh! I-er... Fifteen questions. One hundred points. Thirty-two. I have no idea!
Mr. Rothwell- Forty-five percent! Jeez, no wonder she failed.
Hilda- Oh! But I didn’t have a chance to study for this meeting.
Int. Spellman kitchen. The number two cauldron is out on the kitchen table and Hilda stirs the brew as Sabrina adds the spell ingredients.
Hilda- More lizards leg and don’t skimp on the owlet’s wing.
Sabrina- Let’s put in this jar of cocktail onions that have been in the fridge forever.
Zelda comes down stairs.
Zelda- What smells so sweet?
Sabrina- It’s time to teach Mr. Rothwell a lesson.
Zelda- With a number two cauldron? It can’t be that serious.
Hilda- It is.
Sabrina- Keep stirring!
Zelda- Wait. There’s been a breakdown in communication. I will go talk to him as physicist to algebra teacher and we will work this out logically. And no-one seeks vengeance until I get back.
Sabrina- (To Hilda) Can I at least make his bum a little bigger?
Hilda- As big as you want it to be.
Sabrina reaches for the macadamia nuts.
Int. Westbridge High School Math class. Zelda sits at one of the students desks as she talks to Mr. Rothwell. She has to concentrate very hard not to be distracted by his huge butt.
Zelda- I wanted to discuss this rationally but you’re making it hard.
Mr. Rothwell- Hey! She failed the test, what do you want me to do about it?
Zelda- But the circumstances were unfair!
Mr. Rothwell- Look, if it makes you feel better you can blame this on me but I think we both know these problems start at home.
Zelda- What problems?
Mr. Rothwell- Hey, if the kid can’t master the quadratic equation that says to me, dysfunctional family.
Zelda- We function just fine!
Mr. Rothwell- Tell it to her social worker. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get to the gym.
He grabs his jacket and leaves.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Hubble bubble, Mr. Rothwell’s in trouble. The kitchen tables been shifted to make room for the number ten cauldron that smokes and bubbles ominously. Lightning flashes across the night sky of Westbridge as the coven circle the cauldron. They are all in formal dress, black, flowing, lacy dresses, black hats, elaborate and pointed. They all take hold of the large wooden spoon and begin to stir the pot.
Sabrina- This is so great. Thank you so much for backing me up.
Zelda- Well you were one hundred percent right about this guy.
Hilda- Please, no percentages.
Sabrina- Is it revenge yet?
Zelda dips her finger in the cauldron and has a taste.
Zelda- Mmm! It’s really spiteful. Let’s finish the spell. Hilda, you do the honours.
Hilda starts to wave her hands over the pot.
Hilda- Adder’s fork and blind worms sting...
The other two witches join in the hand motions.
Hilda- (Cont.) Lizards leg and owlets wing. For a charm of powerful trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble. Take it away Sabrina!
Sabrina- Fair is foul and foul is fair, hover through fog and fill the air.
Zelda gestures over the cauldron and with a hiss a huge billow of smoke fills the room a dissipates.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Now what?
Zelda- Wait and see.
She and Hilda laugh in that way that only a witch can as another flash of lightning and crash of thunder breaches the night sky.
Sabrina- You cackled! This is gonna be so cool.
Int. Westbridge High School Math class. Sabrina sits at her desk and talks to Gordie behind her.
Gordie- Sabrina, Rothwell is never late. Maybe he called in sick or maybe he had car trouble.
Sabrina- Or maybe the earth yawned and swallowed him up.
Gordie gives her a funny look.
Sabrina- (Cont.) It could happen.
Mr. Rothwell enters.
Gordie- Oh tooth-picks!
Mr. Rothwell- I am late! For the first time in my life! Because I’ve been the victim of a great injustice.
Sabrina- (Under her breath) Yes!
Mr. Rothwell- I got a speeding ticket.
Sabrina- (Under her breath) A speeding ticket?
Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina sits around the table with her aunts.
Sabrina- Three witches and a number ten cauldron and the best we could do was a stupid speeding ticket?
Hilda- Maybe the lizards leg wasn’t fresh. I thought it smelled funny.
Sabrina- Great! Rothwell’ll probably just go to court and weasel out of it.
Zelda- Court! The spell is working. He’ll find his just desserts there.
Hilda- Let’s go early and get good seats.
Zelda- And don’t worry, justice will be served.
Sabrina- Oh yeah? Then how come his butt deflated?
A car horn beeps in the kitchen and a red convertible sports-car drives past the kitchen table. Three witches don’t bat an eye. Salem is driving it and it’s just his size.
Salem- What do ya think? A red Lamborgini. This has to impress my ex-girlfriend Shelly.
Hilda- Sure! Now all you have to do is lose the paws, the whiskers and the fur.
Salem- Hey, so what if I’m a cat? This car says I’ve got it going on!
He drives off.
Int. Westbridge courthouse. Mr. Rothwell sits in court waiting for his case to come up while another defendant pleads his own case.
Clifford- It’s a travesty of justice sir! I mean I know red, red is the colour of rage! And that light was not red, it was yellow. Yellow as the sunshine.
Judge- Well in light of your flowery prose and the fact that the arresting officer didn’t show I’ll cut you fine in half.
Clifford- Half! Sir, half an injustice is still an injustice!
Judge- Case closed. This court is in recess.
He bangs his gavel and heads for his chambers. Mr. Rothwell springs to his feet.
Mr. Rothwell- Wait, come back here!
But the judge is gone.
Mr. Rothwell- (Cont.) I want that judge, he was easy.
Clifford- Mr. Rothwell?
Mr. Rothwell- Do I know you?
Clifford- Well of course you wouldn’t recognise me. I mean not without tears streaming down my face like a harsh, unforgiving rain. I’m Clifford Weaver, your former algebra student.
Mr. Rothwell- Wait! You’re a novelist now. You wrote ‘Rage against the system’ I loved that book. It was full of hate.
Sabrina enters the court with her aunts.
Sabrina- There’s Mr. Rothwell.
A crash of thunder and the flickering of lightning shows round the chambers door jam and oddly only the witches notice.
Hilda- Oh! I think that’s for us.
Int. Judges chambers. Hilda leads in the little procession to find sitting among the shelves of dusty law books a chest freezer.
Hilda- Either that’s part of the spell or the bailiff keeps steaks.
Zelda- I bet that’s out judge.
Sabrina- In the refrigerator?
Hilda- Yes. Witch judges take turns in the deep freeze to prevent media bias.
There a label tied to the freezer, Hilda reads it.
Hilda- (Cont.) For example, Judge Samuels has been in here since nineteen fifty-six.
Sabrina- Wow! A man untouched by CNN.
Hilda opens the freezer and a white haired, bespectacled, frost coated judge in full robes sits up.
Judge Samuels- Now that’s a good nights sleep.
He climbs out of the freezer.
Hilda- Hi Judge Samuels. Here’s the deal. We are...
Judge Samuels- (Interrupting) Shh! Not a word. I must stay pure for the law. Just a cup of cocoa and I’m in business.
He holds out his hand and points at it with his other. A cup of hot cocoa appears and he drinks.
Int. Westbridge courthouse. Judge Samuels enters followed by Sabrina and her aunts. He sits behind the bench and they take seats around the prosecution table. Mr. Rothwell looks across at them. Judge Samuels bangs his gavel.
Judge Samuels- Guilty! Order! One more outburst like that and I’ll... All right, I’m ready.
The bailiff slides a charge sheet across to him.
Judge Samuels- (Cont.) The court is in session. (Reading) Jeremy Rothwell?
Mr. Rothwell stands.
Judge Samuels- (Cont.) You are charged with violating vehicular code. Section sixteen dash four, driving at an unsafe speed. How do you plead?
Mr. Rothwell- Not guilty.
Judge Samuels- You are also charged with violation of the existential code. Section sixty-three dash ‘B’ Multiple counts of being mean and unfair. How do you plead?
Mr. Rothwell- What is this? I never heard of an existential code.
Judge Samuels- You have to read the fine print. How do you plead?
Mr. Rothwell- Not guilty.
Judge Samuels- Plea entered. Strike the ‘Ha!’ The prosecution may present it’s case. Are the people present?
Hilda and Zelda stand.
Hilda- We’re the people.
Sabrina- We are? Cool!
She stands also.
Mr. Rothwell- Sabrina! What are you doing here?
Sabrina- Didn’t you hear? We’re the people.
Judge Samuels- Proceed.
Zelda- Thank you your honour. The people would like to call as their first witness...
She basically hasn’t a clue who she wants to call but knows it will come to her in a second. And it does in the form of a sheet of paper appearing on the table in front of her.
Zelda- (Cont.) Ah! (Reading) Clifford Weaver.
There’s a gasp from the public gallery as the novelist stands and makes his way to the witness box.
Int. Spellman bathroom. Salem sits at the sink gargling and then spits the mouth-wash into the sink.
Salem- Mmm, minty fresh for milady.
He glances in the mirror.
Salem- (Cont.) I’d be more nervous if I weren’t so good lookin’
Int. Westbridge Courthouse. Clifford is still giving evidence.
Clifford- ...And yes, he failed me. But I mean listen to those words. He-failed-me. Throw the book at him judge.
Zelda- Thank you Clifford.
Mr. Rothwell- Your honour. I’d like to cross-examine this witness.
Judge Samuels- Well then proceed.
Mr. Rothwell- Clifford, you wrote the book ‘Rage against the system’ Correct?
Mr. Rothwell- And isn’t it true that the ‘New York Times’ picked you as the best of a new bread of angry young writers?
Clifford- I recent that moniker but yes.
Mr. Rothwell- But what made you angry Clifford? Was it your mother holding your hand? Was it the librarian patting your head? Or was it me? I gave you that anger, I spoon fed you that rage, I made you what you are today. You should thank me!
Clifford- You never helped me! That’s a lie!
Mr. Rothwell- No further questions.
Clifford- I-I’ve never been so angry in my life... That’s my second novel.
He hurries from the witness box to get to his typewriter before the inspiration fades.
Sabrina- (To Zelda) Quick call another witness.
Zelda- The people call...
She waits for another sheet of paper to appear. It does.
Zelda- (Reading) The arresting officer.
There’s another ‘Oooh! from the public gallery as the handsome young traffic cop takes the stand. This time Hilda gets to play Perry Mason.
Hilda- So he was speeding?
Arresting Officer- Definitely.
Hilda- And was he mean?
Arresting Officer- Mean?
Hilda- Mean! Disagreeable? Unkind? Naveish? Mean?
Arresting Officer- Well he threw his registration at me. Then he muttered under his breath ‘What a jerk!’ But I heard him, I have really good ears.
Hilda- And lovely eyes.
Zelda- Thank you!
Hilda stops flirting with the witness and glares at Zelda.
Zelda- (Cont.) No further questions. The people call our next witness.
Another sheet of paper appears.
Zelda- (Reading) Sabrina Spellman.
The public gallery goes ‘Ooooh!’ and Sabrina stands to take the witness box.
A little later.
Sabrina- Well normally I don’t like to say bad things about people but as I am under oath. Mr. Rothwell’s completely unfair. He doesn’t like kids, he doesn’t like math, he doesn’t like teaching and he doesn’t like chalk.
Judge Samuels- These are very serious charges. Have you any proof?
Sabrina- I could call my friend Gordie.
Judge Samuels- Proof! Proof! Any proof?
Sabrina- It doesn’t exist. Mr. Rothwell’s unfairness lies only in the hearts and minds of those students whose love of math he has destroyed.
Judge Samuels- Including yours Sabrina?
Sabrina- It’s too early to tell but there is a chance that for the rest of my life I will fear math. I will sweat every time I have to calculate a tip. I will put off balancing my cheque-book. I will play blackjack but I will not understand it.
Judge Samuels- If you understood it, you wouldn’t play it. Thank you, you may step down. (To Zelda) Counsellor, are there any other witnesses?
Zelda- The people rest.
Judge Samuels- Would the defendant like to make a closing statement?
Mr. Rothwell- Yes I would. Your honour, I’m not a baby-sitter. I’m paid to teach math and that is what I do. Yes I could be more sensitive but let’s face it. The world is full of people like me. People who chose favourites. People who don’t accept excuses. People who are ‘Unfair’ Well life is unfair and I’m just helping my students to get used to that.
Judge Samuels- Mr. Rothwell, just one last question. Do you intend to teach high school for the rest of your life?
Mr. Rothwell- Are you kidding? I’m just doing this until I can start up my own software company.
Judge Samuels- Thank you. Well I will return with my decision and a fresh cup of cocoa.
Int. Spellman living room. Salem is making sure everything is just right for his big date.
Salem- Flower. Soft lights. What’s missing? Oops! Almost forgot.
He jumps down from the back of the settee and bounds across to the stereo and hits the play button. Soft mood music fills the air with plenty of sexy sax.
Salem- (Cont.) Oh yeah.
Int. Westbridge Courthouse. Judge Samuels returns with his cup of cocoa.
Judge Samuels- I’ve reached my decision.
Mr. Rothwell stands.
Judge Samuels- (Cont.) With respect to interstential code violation this court finds you not guilty due to insufficient evidence.
Mr. Rothwell smiles.
Judge Samuels- (Cont.) With respect to the vehicular code violation the court finds you guilty as charged.
Mr. Rothwell- Oh nuts!
Judge Samuels- (Cont.) But we’ll wave the usual forty dollars fine and instead sentence you to a lifetime of teaching high school algebra.
Mr. Rothwell- What! That’s not fair!
The judge bangs his gavel.
Judge Samuels- Case closed.
Mr. Rothwell- No! Noooo! Oh noo!
A vortex of algebra books and pencils close in on him. pressing tighter and tighter.
Mr. Rothwell- (Cont.) N-N-Noooo!
Two giant board dusters appear on either side of him and clap together, erasing all his hopes.
Judge Samuels- This trial shall be stricken from all mortal memory. Court is adjourned.
He bangs the gavel with finality.
Sabrina- (To her aunts) Wait a second, How can being sentenced to teaching high school be sufficient punishment?
Zelda- Because it’s the worst thing Mr. Rothwell can imagine.
Sabrina- But now kids are going to be stuck with him year after year.
Zelda- Well whether he means to or not, he teaches a valuable lesson.
Sabrina- Some people are just jerks?
Hilda- Yes, but if you study hard and you don’t let him get to you, you will pass algebra and then you can forget it. But he’s trapped in math forever.
Sabrina- So he did get his just desserts.
Hilda- M-hm! And now I think we should get frozen desserts.
Int. Spellman living room. The mood is set. The saxophone plays. The candles cast romantic shadows. In one of them sits a figure in a suit. his trilby set at a suave angle. A black cat sits by his shoulder. The door-bell rings.
Salem- The doors open.
Shelly enters. She’s gorgeous, long thick hair frames well defined features. The satin dress shows off a figure to die for. She looks around the candle lit room.
Salem- I don’t believe it. You look even more stunning than the last time I saw you.
Shelly- It’s so good to see you too.
She goes over to give him a hug.
Salem- Don’t! Stay back.
Salem- You said you wanted to talk so let’s talk.
Shelly- You wanna talk? You have changed.
She sits on the settee crossing shapely legs that go on forever.
Salem- You could say that.
Shelly- Is that your cat?
Salem- Huh! Er-er yes. They make incredible companions you know. So, what’s on your mind?
Shelly- Us and how we broke up. See at the time I felt shut out. You were so consumed with global conquest and I resented taking a back seat to world domination. But here it is, thirty years later and now I realise that you were the best thing that ever happened to me.
Salem- Go on!
Shelly- I know it’s kinda sudden but I think we should give it another try.
Salem- I don’t see why not. I care about you, you care about me...
Shelly- (Interrupting) Enough words! Salem, hold me!
She lays back on the settee and closes he eyes.
Salem- Oh Shelly!
He leaps across into her lap and holds her. His claws jab through the fine silk of her dress.
Shelly- Oh! Oh! Cat! Get off me!
She throws him off onto the settee as she stands and walks across to the still figure in the chair.
Shelly- (Cont.) Salem!
Salem- I can explain.
The voice comes from behind her and she slowly turns to look at the cat.
Shelly- Salem? Is that you?
Shelly- You’re a cat?
Shelly- Who’s your friend?
She walks over a whips off Salem’s friends hat and starts to beat the figure about the head with it.
Shelly- (Cont.) A mannequin! How long were you expecting this to fool me?
Salem- Another thirty seconds.
Salem- Oh alright, look. I got caught and they sentenced me to a hundred years as this.
Shelly- This is not what I had in mind.
Salem- We can work it out!
Shelly- Sorry cat, this is good-bye!
She grabs her coat and heads for the door.
Shelly- (Cont.) I loved you!
Salem- (Calling after) But I’m better now! I like to snuggle! I have great night vision and I’m super, super clean!
The front door slams shut behind her.
Salem- (Cont.) It’s so unfair. (Sob!)
Int. Westbridge High School Library. Harvey and Sabrina sit together studying.
Sabrina- ...Which equals the square root of negative four or two ‘i’ Got it! Perfect.
Harvey- You seem a lot more relaxed today.
Sabrina- Yeah well I decided I’m not going to let Rothwell get to me. And you know I’m even feeling a little sorry for him. Did you hear the financing fell through on his software company?
Harvey- Have you noticed how big his butts got?
Sabrina- No. Okay, last problem. (Singing) Shake your whammy fanny. Funky song. Funky song.
Sabrina and Harvey- (Singing) Shake your whammy fanny. Fu-u-u-nky song.
They continue studying silently but their heads keep bobbing to the music only they can hear.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina enters. Salem is stretched out on her window-sill
Sabrina- Poor Salem. Are you going to be okay?
Salem- I guess, with time. No.
Sabrina- Don’t worry, you’ll be happy again soon.
Salem- Please! Shelly was the love of my life. What would ever replace her in my heart?
Sabrina- Maybe this’ll help.
She points at the floor and Salem’s eyes light up.
Salem- A giant ball of yarn!
He leaps from the window-sill onto the ball.
Salem- Oh this is the best ever!
Sabrina- I thought you’d like it.
Salem- Like it? I don’t even remember her name!