Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
Written By - Jon Sherman
Transcribed By - Paul Booth
Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Jenny - Michelle Beaudoin
Drell - Penn Jillette
Skippy - Teller
Jack Wagner - Jack Wagner
Repairman - Chuck McCann
Rule-bearer - Morwenna Banks
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Spellman laundry room. Hilda enters with a basket of laundry to find Sabrina stood in her socks and a ‘Wadsworth Soccer’ T-shirt, holding a pair of jeans.
Hilda- Hi Sabrina, shouldn’t you be going to school?
Hilda- And shouldn’t you be wearing pants?
Sabrina- They’re still wet.
Hilda- So? Use magic to make new ones.
Sabrina- Magic jeans come out all stiff and new, these are broken in.
She throws the damp jeans in the drier, closes the front and presses the start button. Nothing happens.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Maybe I just need to clean the lint tray.
She opens the little tray cover on top of the drier.
Hilda- Don’t! That’s a magic drier.
Sabrina- It is?
Hilda- It fluffs, it folds and it never loses a sock but it’s been on the fritz lately. We’re still waiting for the repair man.
Sabrina- When was he supposed to show up?
Hilda- Er sometime in the afternoon between 1968 and 1998.
Sabrina- Forget it, I’ll just wear clammy jeans.
She opens the drier and reaches in for her jeans but they wont come.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey they’re stuck!
She pulls harder and a white fluffy hand appears holding on to the other leg of the jeans. Sabrina screams but keeps a firm grip on her pants.
Sabrina- Call the repair man! Now!
The tug of war continues and Hilda comes over to help on Sabrina’s side.
Run opening credits.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda’s baking at the counter while Salem watches from the table. She takes the hard work out of it by having her wooden spoon stir the mix magically.
Salem- What are you making?
Zelda- Sugar cookies.
Salem- With bits of liver?
Zelda- No, sprinkles.
Sabrina enters and puts down her overnight bag.
Sabrina- Hey I’m back.
Zelda- Did you have fun at Jenny’s?
Sabrina- It was amazing. Last night we had casserole, played Monopoly and then we watched TV.
Zelda- How will you ever wind down?
Sabrina- It was so much fun to be in a normal house, with a normal family, doing normal things.
Zelda- Is that why you’ve never invited Jenny for a sleep-over, because you think we’re weird?
Sabrina- That’s a complicated question but the short answer would be yes.
Zelda- Well that’s ridiculous. We can be as normal as anyone, watch.
She grabs the spoon as it magically stirs and starts to stir manually with it.
Zelda- (Cont.) I’m mixing by hand, just like a pioneer woman. Now I want you to invite Jenny over. How about next Friday. I have my book club...
Sabrina- (Interrupting) Jenny is not meeting your brainy friends.
Zelda- Could I finish my sentence? I have my book club but I’ll cancel it. Now all you have to do is invite Jenny over.
Sabrina- What if I forget?
Zelda- I’ll remind you.
She points at Sabrina’s leg.
Zelda- And I promise we will be as normal as normal can be.
The back doors open and Hilda rides in on a miniature pony in a complete dressage outfit.
Hilda- Tally-ho! Who wants to play miniature polo?
Zelda- (To Sabrina) I’ll have a talk with her.
Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. Sabrina sits with her friends, Harvey and Jenny, having lunch.
Sabrina- So then Jenny’s dad landed on Park Place and to pay the rent he had to borrow money from her little brother. It was super-funny.
Harvey- My family can’t play board games, not since the Pictionary incident.
Jenny and Sabrina look at one another questioningly.
Harvey- (Cont.) I still can’t talk about it.
Sabrina- Well maybe you should hang out a Jenny’s house, her family’s really nice.
Jenny- And a little boring, but they love you, you should come over again this Saturday.
Sabrina- That’d be great.
Something pinches her leg.
Sabrina- Aw! (To Harvey) Why’d you kick me?
Harvey- I didn’t kick you.
Sabrina- That’s weird. (To Jenny) So what time should I come over?
She gets another pinch on her leg.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Aw!
Jenny- What is it?
Sabrina gets the message.
Sabrina- Oh just a reminder. Um, y’know I think it’s my turn to have you over at my house.
Jenny- That sounds fun.
Sabrina- You know you don’t have to answer right away. You should know I have these two really weird aunts.
Jenny- But I like weird. I love weird. I bask in the glow of weird. I...
Harvey- (Interrupting) You know I think Jenny will fit right in. Aw!
Jenny- That was me.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem is lay on the table watching Sabrina carefully arrange her room. She puts her stuffed cushion on the chaise lounge just so.
Sabrina- Okay, looking normal.
She inspects the room.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh! Gotta get rid of my magic book.
She takes it from the book stand by the bed and slides it under the bed. The books not too happy being consigned to the company of dust bunnies and slides back out again.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh come on!
She pushes it under again.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Stay!
It stays under but sulks in that silent way that only a book can.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Good book. Okay. Now Salem, we need to work on your meow.
Salem- Say what!
Sabrina- Your meow. It has to sound real for Jenny, let’s hear it.
Salem- Okay. (Clears his throat) Meow.
Sabrina- Can’t you do it more catty?
Salem- You mean meow?
Salem- That is so cliché.
Sabrina- Humour me. There’s still something weird about this room. I know.
She points at her dresser and the second drawer down slides open. Clothes pour from it and artfully strewn themselves into casual poses on the floor and furnishings, giving the room a tastefully unkempt appearance.
Sabrina- (Cont.) There. It was too neat; now it’s perfect and you know Salem? This could be fun.
She picks him up.
Salem- I’m happy for you Sabrina, you should be able to have friends over.
Sabrina- Or in other words?
Int. Spellman living room. Zelda is plumping cushions as Sabrina comes down stairs with Salem in her arms.
Zelda- Look, I’m plumping pillows all by myself.
Sabrina- I am so impressed. What smells weird?
Zelda- Hilda’s cooking.
She heads for the kitchen.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda has been cooking and takes her creation out of the oven. She looks normal... Too normal. She has taken normal to it’s extreme. Her hair is severely permed. She wears a bright pink satin dress that’s straight out of a fifties sit-com. It wouldn’t have looked to bad in black and white. Over the top of it she wears a lace apron. Sabrina enters.
Hilda- Hi kitten. I just made tuna noodle casserole.
She lifts the lid from the casserole dish and is enveloped by a cloud of steam.
Hilda- What do you think? (Cough)
Sabrina- I think you’re both over done.
She takes a piece of paper from her back pocket.
Sabrina- Here. I made a list of possible topics for tonight’s dinner conversation. Now if one doesn’t work, move on, but don’t stray from the list.
She hands it over to Hilda.
Hilda- Hey, I think I know what to talk about. (Reading) Towels?
Zelda enters from the living room as a door-bell rings.
Sabrina- Okay she’s here, tense up!
Hilda- Relax. That’s the upstairs door-bell.
Sabrina- Upstairs door-bell?
Zelda- For the linen closet. We must have guests from the Other Realm.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Sabrina has made it to the linen closet first and flattens herself against it.
Sabrina- Can’t we just pretend we’re not here?
Hilda- No. What if it’s someone important?
Sabrina- Fine, but I still don’t understand why out linen closet doesn’t have a peep-hole.
She moves away from the door and Zelda opens it. A man in overalls and holding a clipboard is patiently waiting.
Repairman- The Spellman residence?
Repairman- I’m here about your drier.
Hilda- I’ll take you to the laundry room.
Repairman- Oh thanks.
He follows Hilda past Zelda and Sabrina. Sabrina spots something odd about the repairman.
Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, look! (To the Repairman) Oh you have...
Zelda- (Interrupting) Shh! Don’t be rude.
The repairman carries on down the stairs after Hilda. Zelda and Sabrina follow behind.
Int. Spellman kitchen. The Repairman and Hilda have gone on to the laundry room when Zelda and Sabrina come down the stairs.
Sabrina- He can’t stay. He has a tail.
Salem- What’s wrong with having a tail?
Zelda- Sabrina you aren’t a rumpist are you?
Sabrina- A rumpist? What’s a rumpist?
Zelda- Someone who judges others by their rear ends.
Sabrina- No. Okay not usually. It’s not me I’m worried about, it’s Jenny.
Zelda- Is she a rumpist?
Sabrina- No, but if she sees a repairman with a tail she might get suspicious.
Zelda- Oh relax. We’ll keep him out of site, he’ll fix the drier and be gone before you know it.
The door-bell rings. This time it’s the terrestrial door-bell.
Zelda- (Cont.) It’s probably her.
Sabrina- Do I have to answer it?
Int. Spellman Living room. Sabrina opens the front door.
Sabrina- Hey, your here.
Jenny enters with her sleeping bag and overnight bag.
Jenny- You too. It’s a great house.
Sabrina- Come on in, I’ll er give you the grand tour.
She leads her friend into the living room.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay here’s a bunch of stuff we own. All very normal.
Jenny puts down her bags and starts to look around.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay let’s go and see if dinners ready.
She links arms with Jenny and starts to drag her away to the kitchen.
Jenny- Well it’s kinda misleading to call that the grand tour.
Int. Spellman dinning room. Later. Jenny and Sabrina sit with Sabrina’s aunts having dinner while Hilda keeps the conversation rolling along.
Hilda- From the hand-towel to the guest-towel, the beach-towel to the bath-sheet. Towels have helped make our nation great.
She raises her glass of water and proposes a toast.
Hilda- (Cont.) Towels.
Hilda- (Cont.) Okay let’s talk about something else.
She peeps at the list beneath the napkin beside her plate.
Hilda- (Cont.) Oh! The collapse of the economy on the Isle of Mann.
Something white and fluffy runs past the dinning room window. Only Zelda sees the repairman run after it and catch it. He drags it back into the kitchen. Zelda puts down her knife and fork.
Zelda- Hilda, would you help me clear the table?
Jenny- I’ll will too.
Zelda- No! No. Your our guest.
The aunts grab a few plates and go into the kitchen.
Int. Spellman kitchen. The repairman comes up from the laundry room with bits of link all over his overalls. Hilda gets to the point.
Hilda- What’s going on?
Repairman- I’ve found your problem. You’ve got a Lint-Gremlin growing in your drier.
Zelda- Did you get rid of him?
Repairman- No but I got a piece of him.
He pulls a large piece of lint from his overalls and gives it to Hilda.
Hilda- Well find the rest.
Zelda- Please and be quick about it, our niece has a mortal over.
The repairman sits and starts picking lint from his tail.
Repairman- Oh a mortal. I’d tuck in my tail but it tickles.
He gets up and goes after the gremlin.
Int. Spellman dinning room. Hilda and Zelda enter, Hilda’s brought pie.
Sabrina- So is everything okay?
Hilda- As okay as apple-pie.
She places the pie on the table.
Jenny- Wow, it’s beautiful.
Sabrina- It couldn’t be better... unless there’s ice-cream.
Zelda- There is.
She points to the kitchen letting off a little make ice-cream spell.
Zelda- In the freezer.
Jenny- Well I’ll get it. My parents forced manners on me, I might as well use them.
She gets up and goes into the kitchen.
Sabrina- I think everything’s going really well.
Hilda- Except for the Lint-Gremlin that’s escaped from the drier and is now running around the house.
Sabrina- He got out!
A scream comes from the kitchen.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Jenny!
They all leap up and run for the door.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina beats her aunts into the kitchen to find Jenny clearly upset.
Sabrina- Are you okay!
Jenny- No! I just saw the hugest spider.
Sabrina- Spider. That’s great. You know because spiders eat other bugs.
Jenny sits with her feet up on the high stool by the counter looking round the floor in case her scream hasn’t scared off the spider. So she doesn’t see the Lint-Gremlin stick it’s head round the corner by the stairs before it runs off again.
Sabrina- Hey, er how about we, er look for that ice-cream.
She grabs Jenny and drags her over to the freezer.
Again she doesn’t see the Lint-Gremlin run across the kitchen and into the dinning room pursued by the repairman with his tail bobbing behind him.
Jenny- Wow you’ve got lots of flavours.
Sabrina- Er, it’s all none-fat.
She pulls Jenny away and closes the freezer door.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay let’s go up to my room. Hey let’s race.
She gives Jenny a push towards the stairs.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Look, you’re winning.
They run up the stairs as the door-bell rings.
Hilda- (To Zelda) Who is that?
Int. Spellman living room. The Lint- Gremlin runs across from the dinning room chased by the repairman as Hilda and Zelda head for the front door. They open it and hear a car pulling away but don’t see anyone until they look down. On the floor are two large glass jars each containing a different coloured bubbling fluid, one yellow, the other blue. They also each contain a brain and spinal cord.
Zelda- Irwin, Velia, What are you doing here? Our book club was cancelled tonight. Didn’t you get my E-mail?
Velia- No. We had to drop our AOL account because a certain person couldn’t stay out of the chat rooms.
Irwin- Where else can I be judged by how I think, not by how I look?
Hilda- I’m sure it’s very difficult being a brain in a jar but you can’t come in.
Velia- But the taxi wont be back for two hours.
Hilda- Sorry. Think warm thoughts, good bye.
She pulls Zelda inside and closes the door.
Zelda- Oh Hilda we can’t just leave them outside, they’ll get brain freeze.
Hilda- I thought we were going for normal?
Zelda- Oh the girls are upstairs, we’ll take the brains in the dinning room and Sabrina will never know.
She opens the door again. The brains in their jars are still there.
Zelda- (Cont.) Come on in.
Irwin and Velia- Yea!
Hilda- Okay but I would just like to point out that I am against this.
She points for emphasis but doesn’t have the safety on her finger. A flash of lightning lights up Westbridge followed by a deep rumbling thunder.
Hilda- (Cont.) Oh, pardon my finger.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. The girls have changed into their nighties and slippers and Sabrina tidies up the clothes that she strewned around earlier. A flash of lightning illuminates the bedroom window as Jenny looks out.
Jenny- One-one-thousand. Two-one-thousand. Three...
The thunder cracks loudly.
Jenny- (Cont.) That’s less than two miles away.
Sabrina- Yeah. We get a surprising amount of lightning around here.
Jenny- This is such a great place. I mean how many people have their own turret?
Sabrina- I don’t know, me and Repunsel?
Jenny- There’s a totally gothic feel to this place, like anything could happen.
Sabrina- Could... but doesn’t.
Jenny- Too bad, that’s like my dream. Hey I got an idea. Wanna tell each other secrets?
Jenny- I’ll go first okay. Ever since I read ‘The Lion, the Witch and the wardrobe’ I’ve believed in other realms. Like the way Edmond pushes past the coats and falls into Narnia. I think that could happen if we could just find the door. Wouldn’t that be amazing?
Jenny- Okay, now it’s your turn to tell me your secret.
Sabrina- Well I don’t really have any secrets. I mean you know me, I’m an open book.
When it hears the word ‘book’ the magic book thinks she talking about it and comes out of it’s hiding place under the bed. Fortunately Jenny’s sat on the bed and doesn’t see it.
Jenny- Come on, everyone has secrets.
Sabrina kneels beside the bed to disguise her action of pushing the book back under it and preserving her secret.
Sabrina- Actually um, I do have a secret. I’d really like to tell you but it’s-it’s kinda hard.
Jenny- Well Sabrina you can tell me anything. I promise I won’t think it’s strange.
Sabrina- Okay, well the truth is Jenny I’m a...
She desperately wants to tell her friend the truth but.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Really messy person.
Sabrina- Total slob.
Jenny- Your messy? That’s your big secret?
Sabrina- Yes, shhh!
There’s the sound of breaking glass in the house.
Jenny- what was that?
Sabrina- I’d better go check. You stay here and... You stay here.
Ext. Spellman Upstairs landing. Sabrina comes out of her room and sees Salem sat in his favourite spot on top of the linen basket. You’d think that wicker would really get to him but...
Sabrina- Salem guard my door so Jenny doesn’t go anywhere, okay?
She dashes off down the stairs.
Salem- (Calling after) Hey dogs guard. Cats watch... and judge.
Int. Spellman dinning room. Irwin, the brain, wriggles around in the puddle of his fluid. His glass jar lies smashed beside him. Zelda gets down on one knee.
Zelda- Velia! That was totally un-called for.
Irwin- Oh my left lobe.
Sabrina enters from the living room.
Sabrina- What’s going on here?
Zelda- We were discussing the shipping news and Velia got upset.
Irwin- She telekinetically pushed me off the table.
Velia- That book did not deserve a Pulitzer prize.
Irwin- Please, if Wendy Wasserstien can win one...
Sabrina- (Interrupting) Excuse me! (To Zelda) I thought you cancelled you book club?
The kitchen door bursts open and the Lint-Gremlin runs in clutching the un-eaten apple pie with the repairman right behind him and Hilda hot on his tail. Pardon the pun.
Repairman- Hey! Hey! Come back here with that.
Hilda- He’s got my pie. You little Lint-?*vole*? Gimme my pie.
They run past Sabrina and Zelda into the living room. Sabrina picks up Irwin in her finger-tips.
Sabrina- This is insane! I knew this wouldn’t work. Here.
She hands the dripping brain to Zelda.
Sabrina- (Cont.) I’ve got to go and tell Jenny that I feel sick and she’s got to go home.
She heads for the stairs. Zelda has to deal with the drained brain problem.
Zelda- We’d better get you back into some vital fluids.
Irwin- Whatever you do, don’t put me in with her.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Jenny’s become bored of waiting for Sabrina and wanders out of her room.
There’s no sign of Sabrina but her little black cat is there. Jenny walks over and gives him a stroke.
Jenny- (Cont.) Hey kitty, do you know where the linen closet is?
Jenny- I know it’s snooping but all that talk about towels made me wanna check theirs out.
She walks over to the linen closet door and opens it.
Jenny- I found it.
She enters and the door closes behind her.
Sabrina comes up the stairs
Sabrina- What’s up Salem?
The linen closet activates. Bright light flashes round the door jam and there’s a crash of thunder.
Salem- Jenny just got sent to the Other Realm.
Sabrina- Your kidding!
She hurries to the linen closet and opens the door to find it empty of everything except linen.
Salem- No, and I’m glad. Now everything can go back to normal.
Sabrina enters the linen closet.
Sabrina- Jenny? JENNY! JENNY, WHERE ARE YOU?
Hilda and Zelda run up the stairs to see towels flying out of the linen closet.
Zelda- Sabrina what’s all the shouting? Are you alright?
Sabrina- No. I think Jenny got sent to the Other Realm.
Hilda- Oh no, I’m sure she didn’t.
Sabrina- But Salem saw her go in the closet and shut the door.
Hilda- Oh. Then I guess she did.
Ext. The Other Realm. A low mist covers the floor almost obscuring the stone bench and a few miniature orange trees that are the only decoration the place has other than two upright poles with a bar across them. Jenny walks through the mist gazing about.
Jenny- Hello? Is anyone here?
Calypso music strikes up and a small figure in a white suit and white bowler hat dances into existence from under the cross bar and stands before Jenny.
Jenny- Wow! Am I in Narnia?
Skippy shakes his head no.
Jenny- (Cont.) Who are you?
Skippy uses slight of hand to produce a calling card and hands it to Jenny.
Jenny- (Cont.)(Reading) ‘Skippy the Overlord’s Underling’ Cool.
Skippy tips his hat to her.
Jenny- (Cont.) Can you talk?
He coughs and spits up a small frog into his hand.
Jenny- (Cont.) Oh you have a frog in your throat. Where am I?
Skippy points to the pole arrangement and mimes dancing as the Calypso music starts again.
Jenny- (Cont.) Limbo? I’m in Limbo.
He touches his nose in the time honoured charades manner.
Jenny- (Cont.) Then I was right. There is another realm and it’s in Sabrina’s linen closet. Well I wonder if Sabrina knows about this?
Skippy nods yes.
Jenny- (Cont.) Man, she was holding out on me. Well is there anyone else here I could speak to?
He holds out the frog in his palm.
Jenny- (Cont.) I mean somebody who can talk?
Skippy looks hurt and starts stroking his frog.
Jenny- (Cont.) Oh no offence, I’m just not very good at charades.
He nods and gestures for her to follow him. He leads her over to the limbo bar as the calypso starts once more and mimes dancing under the bar. Jenny happily obliges him and disappears as she does. Once she’s gone Skippy takes a quick look around before lifting the bar and walking under it.
Ext. The Other Realm. Drell’s Gym. It’s open air and sits on top of a cloud. A giant fruit tree disguises most of the exercise machines and Drell is in the middle of a quick work out. The huge leader of the Witches Council does push ups with a heavy bar.
Drell- Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-five. Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-six. Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-seven.
Skippy enters with Jenny.
Drell- (Cont.) Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight. Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine. Gah!
He drops the bar-bell to the floor.
Drell- (Cont.) It’s all I can do.
Jenny- Wow awesome!
Drell- Oh thanks.
He flexes his muscles for her.
Jenny- I’ve never seen a place like this before.
Drell- It’s called a gym. Who are you?
Jenny- Jenny. Who are you?
She holds out her hand but he ignores it.
Drell- Who am I? Your joking right?
Jenny- No. Should I recognise you?
Drell- Yes. I am Drell, head of the Witches Council.
Jenny- Your a witch?
Drell- Yeah. Aren’t you?
Jenny- No. I’m a mortal.
Drell- Y-Your a mortal? Really? That’s funny.
Jenny- It is? Why?
Drell- Because now I have to turn you into a grasshopper.
He points and there’s a brief flash leaving behind a small glass jar where Jenny had been steed. Skippy bends down and picks up the jar.
Drell- (Cont.) Skippy man, where do you pick up these strays?
Skippy looks forlornly at the little grasshopper in the jar.
Drell- (Cont.) Don’t look so sad. You know you can’t have a mortal, you didn’t feed the last one.
Ext. The Other Realm. Limbo. Sabrina enters still wearing her nightie. She’s followed by her aunts.
Sabrina- I don’t see Jenny anywhere. I thought you said she might be in Limbo?
Hilda- Well she’s not.
Zelda- But don’t worry, everything will be fine.
Sabrina- How can you say that?
Zelda- Because sometimes, when things get tough denial is all we have.
A bowler hatted head appears below the limbo bar.
Hilda- Oh hey! there’s Skippy.
Sabrina- Help us? We’re looking for a girl named Jenny.
Skippy’s head disappears and his hand appears in its place beckoning. Calypso music starts.
Sabrina- (Cont.) He’s seen her. Let’s go.
Hilda- Wait! When in Limbo, you have to limbo.
Hilda dances under the bar leaning far back. Zelda follows in the same manner. Sabrina shrugs and follows but being so petite she doesn’t have to bend very much.
Int. The Other Realm. Drell’s gym. Skippy leads the three blonde witches in.
Sabrina- I don’t see Jenny.
Hilda- Good, ‘cause I see Drell.
Skippy does an about turn and gets out of the way. He doesn’t want to be around when they find out what’s happened to their mortal friend. Drell rides around his exercise tree on a unicycle. He comes round from the back to find the Spellman’s waiting for him.
Drell- Oh hi ladies. Glad you didn’t catch me doing anything silly.
Hilda- Er, actually we were just looking for someone.
Zelda- But she doesn’t seem to be here so we’re sorry to disturb you.
They turn to leave.
Drell- Wait! Maybe I er have seen her. Is her name Jenny?
Drell- Does she have green eyes?
Drell- Is she a vegetarian?
Drell- Does she have a segmented body and ears on her thorax?
Drell- Wanna bet?
He picks up the glass jar containing Jenny the grasshopper and sticks in front of Sabrina’s face.
Zelda- Oh dear.
Sabrina- Jenny? What did you do to her!
Drell- I turned her into a grasshopper.
Drell- Ah it’s either that or a ?*cane dip*?
Sabrina- Well your going to turn her back right? I mean your not going to leave her like that?
Drell- Wrong! The rules are very clear on what happens to mortals who cross over into this realm. And as you know, rules are rules.
Sabrina- What rules? I wanna see these rules.
Drell- (Calling) Oh Rule-bearer!
A small, brunet witch appears carrying a box appears with a scroll tucked under her arm. She puts the box on the floor and stands on it before opening the scroll. Drell takes a seat.
Rule-bearer- Hear ye, hear ye. The rules of the realm. (Reading) Rule number one: No spitting. Rule number two: All giants must wipe their feet before entering the...
Drell- (Interrupting) Okay just skip to the part about mortals.
The Rule-bearer drops the end of the scroll which falls to the floor and unravels. She flips the scroll through her hands for a while until she’s about halfway through its length.
Rule-bearer- (Reading) Rule number seven hundred and fourteen: Any mortal who passes into this realm shall be transformed into a creepy crawly thing.
Drell- That’s the rule. Here’s your friend. The jar is yours to keep.
Sabrina- I can’t believe this. Aunt Zelda?
Zelda- Oh honey don’t cry.
Sabrina- But poor Jenny.
Rule-bearer- Er no really, don’t cry. Rule number five hundred and fifty-five: No blubbering.
Sabrina- Look I just want to be alone.
She hold Jenny’s jar to herself and leaves.
Hilda- (Calling after) Oh Sabrina!
Zelda- Let her go. They need to redefine their friendship.
Ext. The Other Realm. Limbo. Sabrina limbo’s in with the jar and sits on the stone bench.
Sabrina- Oh Jenny, what have I done? Your parents are going to be so mad at me. I can’t believe I dragged you into my weirdness. Look, just so you know, I really did want to tell you my secret. Which I guess at this point is obvious. Surprise, I’m a witch. But it’s not as much fun as you’d think. I mean all I wanted to do was spend one normal night at my house. You know, one night to have a sleep-over, eat a little pop-corn, play some board-games. Was that so much to ask?
Sabrina- I’ll take that chirp as a yes. And anyway, I just wanted to say I’m sorry. Huh sorry, how lame is that, I mean you’re a grasshopper. Sorry isn’t enough.
Sabrina- You know, I know this won’t make it up to you but...
She gets up and pluck a leaf from the miniature orange tree.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Jenny, d’ya wanna leaf?
The Rule-bearer enters ducking below the limbo bar.
Rule-bearer- Oh excuse me, I didn’t know you were in here. Do you mind if I smoke? It’s only bubbles.
Sabrina- Go ahead.
Rule-bearer- Oh I’ve been trying to quit but my job is so stressful.
She blows on her clay pipe producing lots of soapy bubbles.
Sabrina- Stress? Tell me about it.
Rule-bearer- I’m sorry about the rules. I don’t make them up, I only read them and personally I think seven-fourteen stinks. I mean what is so bad about mortals?
Sabrina- Nothing. Especially Jenny, she was the coolest.
Rule-bearer- So er, why not find a loop-hole?
Sabrina- There are loop-holes?
Rule-bearer- Yeah, don’t you know the rule?
Sabrina- What rule?
Rule-bearer- I’m off duty but er. Rule number eight hundred and three: For every rule, there is a loop-hole. In fact there are more loop-holes than rules.
Sabrina- So there’s a chance I can save Jenny?
Rule-bearer- Yeah, but not for another five minutes. I’ve gotta finish my bubbles.
Int. The Other Realm. Drell’s gym. Sabrina enters clutching the rules scroll. The Rule-bearer follows with Jenny in her jar.
Sabrina- It’s not over yet, listen up. (Reading) Mortals without conscious knowledge of the realm may pass in and out of it freely. Loop-hole!
Zelda- But Jenny already has conscious knowledge.
Sabrina- So we get rid of the conscious part.
Hilda- We knock her out?
Sabrina- No. We convince her she’s having a dream. Then she can leave.
Drell- No she can’t
Rule-bearer- Yes she can. I have it in writing.
Drell- Oh tooth-picks!
Rule-bearer- Sorry. Rules are rules but loop-holes are loop-holes.
Drell- Well okay, give it a try.
He points at Jenny’s jar and in a flash she’s back in her human form and slightly bewildered.
Jenny- Hey Sabrina, you’re here.
Sabrina- No I’m not and neither are you.
She starts waving her hands and arms about in front of Jenny.
Sabrina- (Cont.) You’re having a dre-e-e-a-a-a-m.
Jenny- It doesn’t seem like it. It seems like you’re just making swishy arm motions.
Sabrina- (To her aunts) Help me out here would you?
Zelda starts copying Sabrina’s swishy arm motions.
Zelda- But you are dreaming Jenny.
Hilda starts waving the giant foot thick apple she’s been chewing on in front of Jenny.
Hilda- Oh look at the size of this fruit.
Sabrina- And now you have to have a test.
She magic’s up a school desk and chair. Zelda pushes her over towards it.
Jenny- A test! Well what’s it on? I haven’t studied.
Zelda- Invertebrate zoo-ology.
Hilda- Better get to work.
Jenny picks up the test sheet.
Jenny- (Reading) ‘The cuttlefish and the nautilus, compare and contrast’ But I don’t even know what any of these are and my pen? Where’s my pen?
Sabrina- Times up! You failed!
She rips up the test sheet.
Jenny- But I just started!
Sabrina- You’ve been working for hours, and now look! Your dead Grandfather. Come here quick!
She pulls Jenny over to Drell’s tread-mill.
Sabrina- Get on this, run to him!
As Jenny starts to run Sabrina switches on the tread-mill leaving Jenny running on the spot.
Jenny- Grandpa! Grandpa! (To Sabrina) I’m running as fast as I can but I’m not getting any closer.
Sabrina- That’s because it’s a dre-e-e-e-a-a-a-m.
She starts with the swishy arms once more.
Jenny- Well maybe it is a dream.
She stops running and comes off the tread-mill.
Jenny- (Cont.) But there’s still something missing.
Jenny- Jack Wagner. He’s in all my dreams.
Sabrina- There he is.
She points and by the time Jenny looks sure enough Jack Wagner is stood wondering what the hell just happened.
Jenny- Jack! You made it.
She runs and jumps into his arms.
Jack Wagner- Well where am I?
Jenny- In my dream.
Jack Wagner- This all seems so real.
Jenny- Well I’m a pretty visual person. Like remember the time you rescued me from the evil King Herbert and we got married at Stonehenge?
Jack Wagner- No. Not really.
He puts Jenny down.
Jenny- But how could you forget? You promised to love me for ever and ever.
Sabrina- Jenny, get a grip. (To Jack) Bye Jack.
She points and Jack is gone back to wherever he had been.
Jenny- Don’t go Jack! Don’t go!
Hilda- You could try running after him.
Jenny- Oh that never gets me anywhere. I don’t like this dream anymore, I wanna wake up.
Sabrina- If you wanna wake up, you have to go to sleep.
Jenny- That makes no sense.
Sabrina- Well that’s because it’s a dre-e-e-e-e-a-a-a-a-m.
It’s swishy arm time again and when Jenny turns to Sabrina’s aunts she finds their arms swishing also.
Jenny- Maybe I do need a nap.
Zelda- Your very sleepy
Sabrina- Very sleepy.
Hilda yawns widely and Jenny catches it and curls up on the floor for a nap.
Sabrina- (Whispering) It worked.
Drell- WAKE UP!
Rule-bearer- Shh! (Whispering) Rule number forty-two: Let sleeping mortals lie.
Sabrina- Too bad Drell. Looks like I win this round.
She and Sabrina shake hands.
Drell- You tiny little witches are so annoying.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. The sleeping form of Jenny floats out of the linen closet followed by Sabrina and her aunts.
Zelda- I tell you what. Next week you can go to Jenny’s house.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Jenny floats in and over to the bed.
Sabrina- Do you know what I regret?
Sabrina- Not getting Jack Wagner’s autograph.
Hilda- Okay, now gently put her on the bed.
They point at Jenny and slowly lower her.
Sabrina- Yes! We did it.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina comes down the stairs still in her nightie followed by her aunts.
Sabrina- That was close.
Zelda- See? Everything turned out fine.
But it’s a good job Jenny’s fast asleep upstairs or she would have thought she was dreaming to see two brains in glass jars, a repairman with a tail and a Lint-Gremlin playing Monopoly on the kitchen table with a cat. Especially when the cat the speaks.
Salem- At last! Marvin Gardens is mine. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Irwin- It’s just luck. You know having a brain doesn’t help at all in this game.
Hilda- Linty, did you eat my pie?
The Lint-Gremlin nods with a smile.
Sabrina- Yep! It’s just another normal night at the Spellman’s
Int. Spellman kitchen. The next morning. Sabrina’s sat at the table in her dressing gown having breakfast as Jenny comes down stairs.
Sabrina- Morning. Did you sleep okay?
Jenny- Like a rock except I had the freakiest dream last night and you were in it.
Jenny- U-hu. I went to another dimension and a giant witch named Drell turned me into a grasshopper.
Sabrina- Sounds scary?
Jenny- Yeah, but fortunately Jack Wagner saved me.
Sabrina- Jack Wagner saved you? Your sure I didn’t save you?
Jenny- I don’t think so but it was fun. I wish bizarre stuff like that could happen all the time.
She pours a glass of orange and doesn’t see the Lint-Gremlin pop up behind the counter and run off into the living room.
Sabrina- Yeah but then again you might not appreciate it as much as you think.
Ext. The Other Realm. Drell’s gym. The Rule-bearer sits in the exercise tree with her scroll.
Rule-bearer- (Reading) Rule number fifty-six: All witches must eat their carrots.
Rule-bearer- (Cont.) Rule number fifty-seven: Bats may not be kept as pets. Rule number fifty-eight: Not using double negatives will be disallowed. Rule number fifty-nine: All children under ten must be accompanied by monkeys. Rule number sixty: No switching channels between programmes. Rule number sixty-one: All rules must have a beginning, a middle and an end, except... Is that it? I don’t get that one.