Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
Written by - Nell Scovell
Transcribed by - Paul Booth
Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Warren - Chris Elliot
Doug - David Chokachi
Mrs. Hecht - Sondra Spriggs
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Spellman dinning room. Sabrina, Hilda and Zelda are sat down to diner. Sabrina starts the conversation.
Sabrina- I got a chain letter today.
Zelda- That’s nice.
Sabrina- No it’s not. They’re annoying. It came from this kid at my old school, Corey.
Hilda- Did you break the chain?
Sabrina- No. I found a bulk mailing spell. I sent four-hundred, thousand copies to the West-coast.
Hilda- Good idea. Let some California blonde deal with it
Sabrina- All done. Dinner was delicious.
She gets up to takes her plate and cup into the kitchen.
Hilda- I don’t believe you finished off your lima beans. I’m an adult and most of mine are in my napkin.
Sabrina- What can I say? I love lima beans.
Zelda- Are you sure you didn’t make them magically disappear?
Sabrina- Aunt Zelda! I’m offended you would even ask me that question. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll clear.
She heads for the kitchen.
Hilda- (To Zelda) A kid who likes lima beans? Being a witch is just the tip of her weirdness.
Zelda- There’s still something fishy. Did you notice how she dodged my question?
Hilda- Oh come on. Sabrina’s not that cagey.
Zelda- There’s only one way to find out. Remember that spell mum used to cast to make sure we’d eaten all out vegetables?
Sabrina returns from the kitchen.
Hilda- Oh I hated that spell!
Sabrina- Hated what spell?
She points at Sabrina and nothing happens.
Sabrina- What’s that all about?
Zelda- A spell to bring back any lima beans you may have made disappear.
Sabrina- What! Get down!
She dives for cover under the table just as half a hundred weight of lima beans materialise in mid air and drop down onto Hilda, Zelda and the table.
Hilda- (To Zelda) I told you I hated that spell.
Run opening credits.
Ext. Spellman back yard. Sabrina and Hilda look on as Zelda positions the telescope.
Zelda- Ha! There.
She makes room and urges Sabrina to take a look.
Sabrina- What am I looking for again?
Zelda- The Olympus Mons. It’s the largest mountain in the solar-system.
Sabrina- I see a little bump. Now can we spy on the neighbours?
She starts to reposition the telescope but Zelda spoils her fun.
Hilda- Now that little bump happens to be the best skiing on Mars, and that’s where we’re going for our winter vacation.
Sabrina- We’re going to Mars?
Zelda- It’s a trek, but it’s worth it
Hilda- Oh you’ll love the red planet. It’s so pretty and the sky’s pink.
Sabrina- So what are the Martians like?
Sabrina- Aren’t there Martians?
Hilda- No. Jeez Sabrina, get in touch with reality.
Int. Westbridge High School, History class.
Mrs. Hecht- So Louis the fourteenth was succeeded by another Louis who was known as... Any guesses?
There’s a sea of blank looks from the class.
Mrs. Hecht- Okay. I see winter break has already started. Well I can’t let you go before the bell, so just try to keep it quiet.
Given free rain the students start to talk amongst themselves. Harvey turns to Sabrina.
Harvey- Hey Sabrina.
Sabrina- Louis the fifteenth.
Harvey- No. What are you doing over vacation?
Sabrina- Oh, I’m going skiing with my aunts.
Harvey- Out West?
She points upwards.
Sabrina- (Cont.) ...North. How about you?
Harvey- I’ll be here.
The school bell rings and everyone grabs their bags and heads for the door.
Harvey- (Cont.) In fact I was hoping you’d be here to so maybe we could do stuff.
Sabrina- Really? I wish I had known. I love doing stuff.
Int. School hallway. Harvey and Sabrina come out of the classroom.
Sabrina- This trips not gonna be any fun. I mean I don’t even know how to ski.
Harvey- You could take lessons.
Sabrina- Oh great! So I get to study on my vacation.
Harvey- Come on, you’ll have a blast. And I’ll see you in... five days?
Harvey- Man, six days.
Sabrina- Well I’d better go catch my bus.
Harvey- I guess this is it.
Sabrina- See ya.
She holds out her hand and Harvey takes it. Her small one enveloped in his large. A wonderful current runs through her leaving her feeling tingly all over. She waits until he leaves before slumping back against the lockers and letting out a long held breath.
Sabrina- (Under her breath) Wow!
Int. Spellman living room. Hilda sits on the settee, Zelda walks around seeing to the potted plants before leaving with Sabrina on her heals.
Sabrina- I just don’t understand why other kids get to stay home and I have to go on a ski vacation?
Hilda- You were so excited about it last night?
Sabrina- Yeah, well a lots changed since then. I mean just today Harvey asked me if I wanted to do stuff.
Zelda- Well there’ll be plenty of stuff left to do when we get back.
Sabrina- Why don’t you guys go and I’ll stay home with Salem?
Salem- Hey, the whole point of a family vacation is so I can get a vacation from the family. Please, I need some down time.
Zelda- Well that’s the discussion. You’re going and that’s that.
Sabrina- Fine. I’ll go to Mars but I won’t have any fun.
The door bell rings. Hilda gets up to answer.
Hilda- (To Sabrina) Do what you want but I think you’re over reacting. I mean it’s not like you’re never going to see Harvey ever again.
She opens the door.
Hilda- (Cont.) Huh! Here he is now! Don’t you love when things like that happen in real life?
Sabrina dashes over as Harvey comes in.
Sabrina- (To Harvey) Hey! Hi.
Harvey- I hope it’s okay I stopped by.
Sabrina- Sure! Your timings perfect. My aunts were just about to... take naps.
The aunts get the message.
Zelda- Oh. Right (Yawn) So tired.
Hilda- (Yawn) Oh I hope I can make it up the stairs.
The leave up stairs.
Sabrina- (To Harvey) Come on in. So what’s up?
Harvey- I’m not gonna waste your time with small talk. You’re going skiing and you can’t afford to lose your mittens so I got you these.
He pulls his hand from his pocket and a strip of red, stretch webbing with clips on each end dangle from his fingers. Sabrina looks at it and wonders how she’s supposed to react.
Harvey- (Cont.) They’re called Mitten Minders. You string them through your jacket.
She takes the minders from him.
Harvey- (Cont.) My little brother swears by ‘em.
Sabrina- That’s so thoughtful... and stretchy. Thanks.
Harvey- Anyway. I’m got to get the car back to my mom.
Sabrina- Hey. Maybe I could call you from the lodge. Let you know how the mitten minders are working.
Harvey- Really? I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.
Sabrina- Well when should I call?
Harvey- Tonight... around nine?
Harvey turns round looking for the source of the third ‘Okay’
Sabrina- Ah creak! Oh these old homes are so creaky. Well you’d better get going.
Harvey- Yeah. Er have a great trip.
She sees him to the door.
Sabrina- Thanks again.
Harvey- You’re welcome.
She hold out her hand and once more Harvey takes it. The wonderful sensation makes her suck in a breath
Harvey- See ya.
Only after he’s gone and the door closes can she let it out. She walks into the living room with a happy smile until she spots Salem sat on the back of the chair. She glares at him.
Salem- Sorry! I got caught up in the moment.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Hilda and Zelda stand impatiently beside the linen closet door ready to go in their ski outfits. Salem sits on the linen basket.
Zelda- (Calling) Come on Sabrina!
Hilda- (Calling) Mars is waiting!
Sabrina comes out of her bedroom in her ski suit and loaded down with bags, ski’s and ski boots. She sees her aunts waiting without any luggage at all.
Sabrina- Is that all you’re bringing?
Hilda- We’ve got these.
They both wave their pointing fingers.
Zelda- Now Salem. You have the number of the lodge in case you need to reach us.
Hilda- And we left you plenty of food. Don’t eat it all on one day.
Salem- Oh right. I forgot I’m an animal. I have no self control.
Zelda- And no parties while we’re gone.
Salem- I’ll cancel the black and white ball.
Hilda- Well, then I guess we’re off.
Sabrina- (without enthusiasm) Woo-hoo.
The three witches enter the linen closet.
Salem- Bye! Have fun! Miss you!
The door closes and with a crash of thunder they are gone.
Salem- (Cont.) (To himself) A party! Why didn’t I think of that?
Int. Olympus Mons Ski Lodge. Mars. The decor has a white theme about it as Zelda leads them in down the steps.
Zelda- Watch your step. These stairs are a little icy.
Sabrina- The whole lodge is a little icy.
Hilda- Isn’t it beautiful?
They are both right it’s a beautiful ice palace carved in the midst of a great glacier. Other than that the decor is pretty much that of any hotel reception lounge and bar.
Hilda- (Cont.) And it’s the perfect time of year. At the end of the season the rooms get a little slushy.
Well when I say that it’s pretty much like any hotel reception and bar I’m not referring to the conical mound on the middle of the room with the bubbling red stuff running down the sides.
Sabrina- What’s that?
Hilda- A volcano.
With a gurgle there’s a mini eruption of red hot magma from the unusual central heating system.
Hilda- (Cont.) Wow! There she blows.
Zelda- I’ll just get an energy bar and then I think I’ll hit the slopes.
Hilda- I think I’ll hit the couch.
She claims a vacant one and makes herself comfortable.
Sabrina- Aren’t you going skiing?
Hilda- Oh. I don’t ski. I lodge. All I need is a stack of magazines.
A point and she has one.
Hilda- (Cont.) And some catalogues.
Another point and the pile gets higher.
Hilda- (Cont.) And Tolstoy’s classic ‘War and Peace’
With one last point and the addition of the light reading the pile is as tall as she is.
Hilda- (Cont.) I think I’ll read that last.
She takes a catalogue from underneath it and flips it open.
Sabrina- So when does the family part of this family vacation begin?
Zelda- We’ll all meet for dinner.
Sabrina- Well what am I supposed to do until then?
Hilda- Well we thought you’d wanna hang out with people your age.
Sabrina- All the people my age are on another planet. I’m calling Harvey.
She turns to go to the phone booth but Zelda stops her.
Zelda- Oh you can’t. Mars is in a time zone that’s so far ahead of earth it’s still yesterday there.
Hilda- If you call Harvey; he’ll explode.
Sabrina- This stinks. I’m going to my room.
She stomps off to have a good sulk.
Zelda- (Sigh) She’ll find the Tobleron in the mini-bar and be fine. Well, enjoy your day.
Hilda- Enjoy yours.
Zelda leaves to go skiing. She lets out a yell of pleasure as she hurtles down the pristine, snow covered slopes of the red mountain.
Hilda doesn’t move from her couch as the pile of catalogues and magazines shrink. She’s in her element.
The pink sky outlines the panoramic views as Zelda shwooshes down hill.
Zelda- Ah I love this planet!
Hilda has gone through the entire pile and tiredly picks up ‘War and Peace’ as Zelda returns.
Zelda- Oh! What a day.
Hilda- I’m exhausted. Read me ‘War and Peace’
Int. Olympus Mons Ski Lodge. Mars. The next morning. Zelda’s having a morning coffee at the bar when Hilda joins her.
Hilda- Are you going skiing again?
Zelda- Yes. Are you reading magazines again?
Hilda- Not today. I thought I’d take it easy.
Sabrina comes down.
Hilda- Did you sleep alright?
Sabrina- I slept fine. The only problem was I woke up here.
Zelda- Cheer up. I promise today will be more fun. I’m going to get you a ski lesson.
Sabrina- Don’t bother. My days mapped out. I’m going to analyse you guys in my journal until nine and then I’m calling Harvey. I’ll be by the phones.
A slightly dorky looking guy is on the phone as Sabrina arrives. He appears to have a heigene fetish as he has a handkerchief draped over the receiver.
Warren- (Down phone) There’s no sign of the policy holder yet. But I will not rest until said policy holder has been found. Now I plan...
He notices Sabrina standing behind him.
Warren- (Cont.)(Down phone)(Whispering) I can’t talk. There’s somebody here. (Aloud) Erm. Okay! Goodbye! I love you! (Whispering) No. I just said that to throw them off. Yeah. You hang up.
He puts back the receiver and turns to Sabrina.
Warren- (Cont.) Okay. It’s all yours.
Sabrina- Thanks. But I wont be using it for another twelve hours.
Warren- Really? How very interesting.
He pulls out a note book and pen and jots something down as he wanders off eyeing Sabrina suspiciously. Sabrina doing some jotting of her own in her journal.
Sabrina- (To Herself) February fifth... Again.
A young man comes up to her with a small card.
Doug- Are you Sabrina?
Sabrina doesn’t look up from her journal.
Sabrina- Yeah, but I’m kinda busy. So if you wouldn’t mind waiting till I’m fin...
She glances up to see the handsome young blond bloke with the amazing smile.
Sabrina- (Cont.) ...ished. Period. Done! What did you want?
Doug- My names Doug. Um your aunt Zelda just arranged for me to give you a ski lesson. But she said you might not be up for it.
Sabrina- I don’t know where she got that idea. I mean when in Mars. I will be back in twelve hours wont I?
Doug- Unless you’re really uncoordinated.
Sabrina- Well then, lets go.
Meanwhile in the bar area, Hilda is taking it easy on the couch and a man at the bar notices that she’s sat alone. He walks over.
Warren- Excuse me. Do you mind if I sit over there?
He indicates the other end of the couch.
Hilda- Sure. It’s a free planet.
Warren- Thank you.
He takes the seat.
Warren- (Cont.) Ah. Whoo! Ha-ha. I couldn’t help but notice you from across the room there. My name is Warren and I’m a very successful insurance salesman and I am on an expense account you would not believe.
Hilda- Oh please! You lodge lizards are all alike. Look. We can chat but not if you spend the next four days making up stories just to impress me.
Warren- Oh well I would never make a...
Hilda- (Interrupting) Lets make a pact. For once, two strangers meeting on vacation will be completely honest with each other. Okay?
Warren- Okay. You got it.
Warren- I’m a secret agent.
Warren- I’m here to sniff out a counter operative. You’re not it are you?
Warren- Good. I’d hate to have to kill you. So are you married?
Ext. Olympus Mons. Mars. Training slope. Sabrina is all togged up, skied up, goggled up, mittened up and ready to go with Doug beside her.
Sabrina- What do I do? I’ve never skied before.
Doug- Ah you’ll be great.
He points at her and a shimmer of light passed over her from head to toe.
Doug- (Cont.) All set. You can ski.
Sabrina- Just like that?
Doug- It’s a short lesson but pretty expensive. Lets go. Follow me.
He pushes off with his sticks and shoots down the snowy slope. Sabrina pulls down her goggles and follows.
Sabrina- Hey, wait up! You’re going too fast. I’m new at this. How do I stop again?
Doug- How are you doing back there?
Sabrina- I’m doing fine.
She finds that talking and skiing is not always the best idea as she spits out a mouth full of snow.
Int. Olympus Mons ski lodge bar. A waiter delivers to coffee’s to the table in front of the couch and moves away.
Hilda- So let me get this straight. Your mission is to bring down Doctor Cyclops, who through his ring of operatives is trying to destabilise the Balinese government.
Warren- Yeah. Plus there’s some unbelievable stuff that I just can’t tell you about.
Hilda- So what kind of doctor is Doctor Cyclops? A psychiatrist?
Warren- No. He’s not really a doctor. I mean he may have a Ph.D., but Doctor Cyclops is just his code-name. And he hates it.
Hilda- Where are all your clever spy gadgets?
Warren- Well. Check out this baby.
He pulls a small stick from the lining of his pants.
Hilda- A tooth-pick!
Warren- A poisoned tooth-pick.
Hilda- Perfect! Especially if Doctor Cyclops just had corn-on-the-cob.
Sabrina arrives back with Doug.
Sabrina- Hi aunt Hilda.
Hilda- Sabrina, finally! I thought you were just going skiing for a couple of hours.
Sabrina- I thought so to, but it turns out I’m a natural.
Doug- Hey do you want some hot chocolate?
He goes to get it from the bar.
Hilda- Oh great. You’re just in time for our family dinner.
Sabrina- Actually Doug and I just wanted to collapse in front of the volcano.
Hilda- Then Zelda and I will have a family dinner.
Sabrina- Actually we just saw her on the slopes. I think she’s might be night skiing.
Hilda- Great! Then I’ll just have a family dinner all by myself.
Warren- Ah. You know I-I realise I’m not family... Yet. Aw but I’d be happy to chow down with you.
Hilda- Would you let me try your entrée?
She links his arm and heads for the dinning room just as Doug returns with two hot chocolates.
Doug- There you go. Do you take marsh-mallows?
Sabrina- The little ones.
They settle down in front of the volcano and he drops a couple of mallows into her chocolate.
Doug- There you go.
Sabrina- This is nice.
The volcano has a little eruption.
Sabrina- Whoa! Toastie!
Doug- Hey, do you want to play cribbage?
Sabrina- I’d love to. How does it work?
Doug- You don’t know?
He puts the board down between them, picks up the cards and points at Sabrina. Once again she’s suffused in a wave of light.
Doug- (Cont.) Now you do.
Sabrina- Great. Deal me six and we’ll play till I skunk you.
Doug- That could take awhile.
Sabrina- I’ve got time.
Int. Harvey’s bedroom. Westbridge. Massachusetts. USA. Earth. 8:59. Harvey’s sat on his bed playing his guitar. He’s moved on from the oboe. He keeps one eye on the clock and pulls the phone closer.
Int. Olympus Mons ski lodge. Sabrina and Doug still play cards.
Sabrina- I don’t believe this. You have a talking dog? I have a talking cat.
Doug- Really? Don’t pets make the best of friends? I mean you get total loyalty, unconditional love...
Sabrina- (Interrupting) You’ve never had a cat have you?
He shakes his head as the lights go down and the disco lights come up. Dance music fills the lodge as the whole mood of the place changes.
Sabrina- What’s going on?
Doug- Oh they turn the lodge into a cheesy disco at night. Do you wanna dance?
They put down the cards and hit the floor
Int. Harvey’s bedroom. Westbridge. Massachusetts. USA. Earth. 9:02. Harvey sits with his head resting on his fists staring at the phone. Willing it to ring.
9:08. He paces back and forth.
9:29. He’s lay on the bed still staring at the phone.
Harvey- (To the phone) Ring! Ring!
10:05. He’s back to pacing and makes sure that it’s plugged in properly.
10:45. He sits with it on his knee as he bites his finger nails.
11.08. He picks up the receiver and dials.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. The parties in full swing. A tabby’s had a little too much cat-nip and is having an deep and meaningful conversation with a lava lamp. A big ginger tom has gate-crashed and is picking a fight with a stuffed goat. Fluffy’s getting mellow in the wardrobe with Ivon the Russian-blue from down the street. Feline fun and frolics abound as they wreck the bedroom.
Salem- Hey! Someone has to make a science diet run!
A phone rings.
Salem- (Cont.) Wait. Did I just hear the phone?
Salem finds the phone and takes it outside to the linen basket and answers.
Harvey- Hi. This is Harvey. Erm I know Sabrina’s not home but I thought maybe you could get a message to her.
Salem- Keep it short. Erm, I don’t have anything to write with.
Harvey- The message is that I’m going to sleep now and maybe I’ll talk to her tomorrow.
Salem- Got it.
He hangs up and looks across at the clock. It’s 11:23.
Int. Olympus Mons ski lodge. Sabrina dances the night away with Doug. Thoughts of Harvey as far away as he is.
Int. Olympus Mons ski lodge. The next morning. Hilda sits at the breakfast bar reading the paper as Sabrina arrives rubbing her shoulder and feeling stiff.
Hilda- Morning ski-bunny.
Sabrina- I ache all over. Skiing is easy but disco is hard.
Hilda- You have a message at the front desk to call Salem.
Sabrina- I wonder what he wants.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. The place is a tip. Cat toys lie in a pile on her bed. the room is empty. The phone rings. The pile of toys shifts and a small black head appears with pointy ears and bloodshot yellow eyes.
He reaches out a paw and presses the answer button on the phone beside him.
Salem- (Cont.) Hello?
Sabrina- Did I wake you?
Salem- No you didn’t wake me. I was just... reading.
Sabrina- You were looking for me?
Salem- Yeah. Harvey called last night and asked me to tell ya he was going to sleep.
Sabrina- Weird! I wonder wha... Oh my God. I totally forgot! I gotta go.
She hangs up.
Salem- (To the dead phone) You’re welcome!
His head drops back down and he gets on with his hang-over.
Olympus Mons Ski Lodge. Sabrina quickly dials another number.
Sabrina- I’m such a jerk.
The phone is answered.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Hello?
Harvey- Hey, Sabrina.
Sabrina- I am so sorry I didn’t call last night. I-I must be on Mars or something.
Harvey- Hey, don’t worry. I wasn’t like waiting by the phone. So, did you lose you’re mittens?
Sabrina- No. Thanks to the mitten-minders my mittens were minded.
Doug- Hey Sabrina. Oh you’re on the phone.
Sabrina- Yeah. I’ll be off in a sec’
Harvey- Who was that?
Sabrina- My ski instructor.
Harvey- Oh cool! You took lessons. Do you like your teacher?
Sabrina- Yeah he’s... fine.
Harvey- Well it sounds like you’re having fun. Hey I got all new socks and two new shirts yesterday.
Sabrina- That’s great. I can’t wait to see them. Okay. Bye.
She hangs up the phone with a look of sadness.
Ext. Olympus Mons Ski slopes. A lone figure ski’s across the pristine whiteness.
Sabrina- AUNT ZELDA!!
Ext. The half-way coffee house and souvenir shop. Zelda takes a cup from the waiter and turns to find Sabrina coming towards her panting.
Sabrina- Aunt Zelda!
Zelda- What a pleasant surprise.
Sabrina- Surprise? I’ve been skiing behind you for the past five miles screaming your name.
Zelda- What’s going on?
Sabrina- I have a very very serious problem. Doug asked me to go on a picnic with him tonight.
Zelda- Well! Seriously, that sounds like fun.
Sabrina- But I’m not supposed to be having fun.
Zelda- Why not?
Sabrina- Because I promised myself I wouldn’t and then I met Doug and now I’m all confused. I mean how can I like Doug when I like Harvey?
Zelda- Sabrina, you’re very young and odds are over the next ten years you will meet and like many different boys.
Sabrina- Thank you for that sweeping generality but what do I do about tonight?
Zelda- Do you wanna go?
Sabrina- Yeah, but I’m worried it would hurt Harvey’s feelings.
Zelda- Well then you have weigh your desire to go versus your desire not to hurt Harvey.
Sabrina- Or I could go and Harvey’ll never find out?
Zelda- Bad idea. Relationships are hard enough when you’re completely honest. You start hiding things, you’re taking a risk. But it’s your choice. I can’t make the decision for you.
Sabrina- Are you sure? It would really help me out.
Int. Olympus Mons Ski Lodge. Hilda’s blaged a couch in front of the volcano and has her feet up as Zelda arrives.
Hilda- Oh, you’re back.
Zelda- I made it all the way down Olympus Mons. It was spectacular!
She whips off her goggles revealing her reverse panda eyes as the rest of her face is bright red with sun-burn.
Hilda- Ugh! You should have used more sun-block.
Warren- (To Hilda) Enemy transmissions are definitely coming from someplace in the...
Zelda turns round after putting down her skis and faces Warren.
Warren- Hey! Ooh! Who’s she?
Hilda- My sister.
Zelda- Who are you?
Hilda- Warren. He’s a...
Warren- (Interrupting) Insurance salesman. Are you covered? Ha-ha! I’m just kidding. Okay lets go to the family dinner.
Zelda- Shouldn’t we wait for Sabrina?
Hilda- She went off with Doug.
Warren- Who’s Doug?
Hilda- Her ski instructor.
Zelda- Oh I hope she made the right decision.
Ext. A romantic... erm crater? What’s with these witch boys and craters? See Dante's Inferno. Doug climbs in with the picnic basket and lends a hand for Sabrina to join him.
Doug- Here we are.
Sabrina- Wow! Picnic in a crater.
Doug- Oh it’s not just a crater. It’s the best crater on the planet.
Sabrina- Mars is so cool. You’re lucky you get to live here all the time.
Doug- Ah, it’s not that much fun. After the seasons over, it’s just a lot of witch townies.
He spreads the blanket and they sit.
Sabrina- Well I love it. It’s so different and exotic.
Doug- Ham sandwich?
Sabrina- Sure. Both moons are really beautiful tonight.
They both gaze up at the night sky littered with stars.
Doug- Yeah. Hey, there’s the Mars probe. Smile.
They smile and wave. Sabrina rubs her arms.
Doug- (Cont.) Are you cold?
Sabrina- No. I’m all right.
Doug- Are you sure? Because um, I could put my arm around you.
Sabrina- That’s okay. I can just... put my arms around myself.
She does and rubs her arms once more.
Doug- I’m sensing you feel uncomfortable being here. Should I walk you back to the lodge?
Sabrina- No. No, I’m enjoying this.
Doug- Well I’m glad ‘cause I like you Sabrina.
Sabrina- I like you too.
Doug decides to make a move and leans over to kiss her.
Sabrina- (backing off) What are you doing?
Doug- I was gonna kiss you.
Sabrina- Kiss me? Well. I don’t even know you that well. I mean it hardly seems right to kiss someone when you haven’t even shaken hands.
Doug- All right. Do you wanna shake?
He holds out his hand.
She takes it and they shake hands. Sabrina braces herself for the thrill but it’s not there.
Doug- Now can I kiss you?
Sabrina- I don’t think so.
Doug- Well why not?
Sabrina- It’s your handshake. No offence but I’ve had better.
Doug- Well that’s not fair. We had gloves on. Give me another chance.
He takes his off and so does Sabrina.
Doug- And this time I’m really gonna mean it.
He flexes his hand before Sabrina slips her into it and gives a firm shake. He looks hopefully at Sabrina.
He slumps back in disappointment.
Sabrina- Look it’s not your fault. There’s a guy back on earth named Harvey and well when I shake his hand I feel all tingly and when I shake yours well... Frankly it’s a little sweaty.
Doug- Is not.
He self consciously wipes his hand on his ski pants.
Sabrina- I’m sorry but I have to be honest. So um. D’ya wanna go back to the lodge?
Doug- Nah, We can finish our picnic. I mean we’re still friends right?
Sabrina- Of course.
He holds out his hand.
She takes it and shakes.
Int. Olympus Mons Ski Lodge. Sabrina is stood by the phone with the receiver tucked in her shoulder while she pulls and stretches her mitten-minders.
Sabrina- (Down phone) We’ll be back around five. Can you come by? Great.
Zelda- (Calling) Sabrina! We have to go.
Hilda- That’s weird. Warren said he’d be down to say goodbye.
Zelda- Well maybe he was captured by the evil agents from All-state.
Hilda- I knew I shouldn’t have told you. So he lied about everything. He was very entertaining so that makes it okay.
Sabrina- All set.
Warren arrives breathless.
Warren- Hilda! Hilda! I was instructed to abort my mission immediately but I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye.
Hilda- That’s so sweet.
Warren looks about himself expecting trouble and hands her his note book and pen.
Warren- Now look. We don’t have much time so here. Give me your telephone number.
He surveys the room as Hilda takes the pen and flips open the book. He looks back just in the nick of time.
Warren- (Cont.) Oh jeez! Not with that!
He takes the pen from her.
Warren- (Cont.) That’s my vaporising gun. Okay here. Use a ball-point.
Hilda- You just never give up.
She scribbles her number down and hands him the book.
Hilda- (Cont.) There you go.
Warren- I’ll call you.
There’s a crash from above. Warren spins on his heals.
Warren- (Cont.) Did you here that?
Hilda- What an odd noise.
The crash becomes a continuing rumble.
Hilda- What’s going on?
A blue shaft of light envelops Warren.
Warren- This is the work of Doctor Cyclops!
Sabrina- (To Zelda) She really knows how to pick ‘em.
Warren begins to shrink before their eyes and he takes a last opportunity to look across at Hilda.
Warren- I’ll-I’ll always remember you. Unless they remove my brain!
And with a whoosh he’s gone and silence returns. Hilda stares open mouthed at the spot were he had been.
Hilda- I don’t believe it! I guess he really was a secret agent.
Sabrina- Apparently not a very good one.
Hilda- But he told the truth. That’s amazing.
Zelda- And very heart-warming. If he ever escapes you can bet he’ll call.
Hilda- Yeah. Oh I just wish I’d given him my real phone number.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem looks about at the devastation from his party and realises he’s in deep trouble. He turns to one particular piece of debris.
Salem- Fluffy! FLUFFY! Wake up, they’ll be back any minute!
The bedroom door opens and Sabrina walks in and stumbles over the discarded cat-food tins. She takes in her room and focuses in on the cowering figure sat on her bed.
Salem- Someone brought cat-nip. I swear I had nothing to do with it.
The front door bell comes to Salem’s rescue.
Sabrina- You are so lucky Harvey’s here. Now clean this place up and... crack a window.
Salem- (Sob) My head.
Int. Spellman living room. The door bell rings again as Sabrina gets to it.
Harvey- You’re back!
Sabrina- Yeah, hi. Hey, new shirt.
Harvey- And check out the socks.
Harvey- Lets go and show them off at The Slicery.
Sabrina- Actually. Come on in. We need to talk.
Harvey enters with a worried frown.
Sabrina- Yeah. You see I want us to have a completely honest relationship.
Sabrina- And the truth is. When I was on my ski vacation, something kind of happened.
Sabrina- I met this amazing guy.
Harvey- You did?
Sabrina- But he wasn’t as amazing as you. And going out with him made me realise I like you better.
Harvey has no response to that.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay! Lets go to The Slicery.
Harvey- Sabrina. Since we’re being honest I have something to tell you too.
Now it’s Sabrina’s turn to look nervous.
Sabrina- Really? What?
Harvey- If you’re ever away and you meet somebody really amazing but you decide you like me better. Don’t tell me.
He holds out his hand and Sabrina slips hers into it and they shake. Then Harvey heads out to the car. Sabrina finally lets out a long breath.
Sabrina- (Under her breath) Wow!
And she hurries out after him.
Int. Diabolical laboratory of Dr. Cyclops. Four white masked and surgically gowned evil hench men stand over the prone form of Warren and sharpen their instruments of torture.
Warren- No! No! No! fellers. You got it all wrong. A secret agent! No! No! No! I’m an insurance salesman...
Warren- (Cont.) Yeah. And in fact I can prove it to you guys. Here. Let me just get my note book out. Here...
He takes his note book and pen from his pocket.
Warren- (Cont.) ...and I’ll crunch some numbers on a term-life policy for ya. Now lets just say you’re a thirty year old none smoker with a good job and a descent medical program. And your estimated time to die is NOW!
He points with his vaporising gun and blasts all four of his would be interrogators in quick succession. They all... vaporise.
Warren- (Cont.) Ha-ha-ha-ha! In your eye Doctor Cyclops! Ha-ha-ha! Yeah! Ha-ha! Ma-boom! Ha-ha!