Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
Written by - Carrie Honigblum & Renee Phillips
Transcribed by - Paul Booth
Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Drell - Penn Jillette
Zak - Paul Michael Robinson
Game Show Host - Peter Marshall
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Spellman kitchen Hilda sits at the counter with Salem. Between them is a box of chocolate. She picks one and takes a bite.
Hilda- Uck! Lemon Cordial
She spits it out as Sabrina enters carrying a large heart shaped red card.
Sabrina- I need help. I don’t know what to put on Harvey’s valentines card.
Salem- I can help you with this one. Put ‘You rock my world’ Guys love that.
Hilda takes a bite of another chocolate while Sabrina considers Salem’s suggestion.
Hilda- Maple butter-cream. Yuck!
She throws it in the sink as Zelda comes in.
Zelda- Who got chocolates?
Salem- You did. From Dirk, the mailman.
Zelda- How sweet.
Hilda- Yeah, but there are hardly any caramels.
She holds one up.
Hilda- Does this look like one?
Sabrina- Only one way to find out.
She grabs it from Hilda and bites it in half.
Sabrina spits out the choc.
Hilda holds out another.
Hilda- Okay. Now this one.
Zelda- Quit touching them. Use a spell.
She points at the box and half a dozen chocolates rise out of the tray and float above the box.
Zelda- (Cont.) There.
Sabrina- That was easy.
Hilda- Yeah. But it takes all the mystery out of life.
Sabrina grabs a floating chocolate.
Run Opening Credits.
Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Harvey and Sabrina stand facing each other with their hands behind their backs.
Sabrina and Harvey- (Together) One. Two. Three.
They both bring their hands round revealing two heart shaped valentine cards. Sabrina gives Harvey the big one she has made and Harvey gives her the tiny one he’s made.
Harvey- Wow! Yours is so big.
Sabrina- And yours is so... cute. (Reading) ‘Happy Val day. Sab’
Harvey- I thought ‘Sab’ would be a cool nick-name for you.
Harvey- Who am I kidding? My valentines started out just as big as yours but I kept trying to make it even and it got smaller and smaller.
Sabrina- But I love it. It’s very symmetrical.
Harvey- Y’see that’s what I was going for. I love symmetry. Things just look nicer that way. Like your face. It’s really symmetrical.
He takes a step forward and bends down towards that lovely symmetrical face that turns up to meet him with a smile. They are inches from the kiss when the school bell rings. They both jump.
Sabrina- The Bell! Were late! Um. To be continued?
Sabrina dashes off to class.
Harvey- (Cont.)(Calling after) Happy Val day, Sab!
Ext. Spellman porch. Harvey escorts Sabrina to the door carrying his big, heart shaped, red card.
Sabrina- Well, thanks for walking me home.
Harvey- Maybe I should walk you in. Make sure you get to the living room okay.
Sabrina- I’d like that.
She fishes out her keys and they enter.
Int. Spellman living room.
Sabrina- Well, here we are.
Harvey- We made it!
Sabrina- Um. Since we came this far, do you wanna stay and hang out?
Harvey- It sounds like fun.
Sabrina- Okay. Wait here, I’ll just go a see if my aunts are around.
She heads for the kitchen.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem is sat on the table using a pencil clamped in his jaws to tap on the lap-top computer keys as Sabrina enters removing her coat.
Sabrina- Salem, what are you doing?
Sabrina- You’re in a chat-room again pretending to be a woman aren’t you?
She takes the pencil from his mouth.
Salem- I like the attention.
Sabrina- Well say goodbye.
She closes the lap-top and moves it away.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Harvey’s here and you’d better start acting cattier.
Sabrina- Where are my aunts?
Salem- They went to the Goya exhibit at the museum. Did you know Zelda was one of his models?
Sabrina- Didn’t know. Don’t care.
Harvey’s head appears around the edge of the door.
Sabrina and Salem- Hmm?
Harvey- Got anything to eat?
Sabrina- I was just checking.
She goes to the refrigerator while Harvey’s body follows his head into the kitchen.
Harvey- Wow! Great kitchen.
She looks inside but the shelves are bare. A quick point and a tray of goodies fills them. She reaches in and pulls out the lavish tray.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Do you like canapés?
Harvey- As much as the next guy.
Sabrina- Well lets go back in the living room.
Harvey- Oh! I’ll grab the cat. We can make him chase the light reflected off my watch.
Sabrina- No! Er... He’s not allowed in the living room. Very bad shedding problem.
Sabrina- Better if he just stays here and minds his own business.
They leave through to the living room.
Salem- (To himself) Like I don’t have anything better to do than spy on her. Wait! I don’t!
Int. Spellman living room. A furry black face peeps round the banister rail of the stairs. Peering at Sabrina and Harvey on the settee leafing through a photo book.
Sabrina- (To Harvey) Isn’t Annie Leiberwitz cool? She does everybody.
Harvey- Oh look at this one! Whoopy Goldberg in a bath-tub of milk. I wonder if they warmed it before she got in.
Sabrina- I’m sure. She’s a star.
Sabrina turns the page and her hand brushes against Harvey’s. Bright sparks leap across and both flinch back from the shock.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Whoa!
Harvey- What was that?
Salem- (To Himself) U-oh! Sparks are flying.
Harvey- (To Sabrina) You know I don’t wanna look at this book anymore.
He puts it aside.
Sabrina- What d’ya wanna do?
Harvey- Kiss you?
They both smile and lean forward. Their lips coming closer and each hoping the reality will live up to their wonderful dreams of this moment. when a dark presence comes between them.
They both leap out of the way.
Harvey- What’s with you’re cat?
Sabrina grabs Salem and looks up at Harvey.
Sabrina- I don’t know. I’ll go talk to him... I mean feed him Haha. Be right back.
She leaves with Salem in her arms.
Int. Spellman kitchen. She puts him down on the counter.
Sabrina- You little sneak! How dare you! I can’t believe you were spying on me.
Salem- And it’s a good thing I was. You can’t kiss Harvey.
Sabrina- Just watch me. And that’s a figure of speech.
Salem- But something horrible could happen. Didn’t your aunts tell you. The sparks were a warning.
Sabrina- A warning? Of what?
Salem- You shouldn’t hear it from your cat. Just trust me. Do-not-kiss-Harvey!
Sabrina- Salem. Are you being sincere?
Salem- Yes. And it pains me to do it.
Sabrina- Okay. I wont kiss Harvey but if you’re making this up, I swear you will be neutered.
She turns towards the living room but turns again to face Salem.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Slowly.
Int. Spellman living room. Harvey spits a half chewed canapé into his napkin and puts it down as Sabrina returns.
Sabrina- Ah, you have to go. There’s an emergency.
Harvey- What’s wrong?
Sabrina- My cats sick. He needs an operation.
Harvey- Can I do anything?
Sabrina- No. We’re going to use a certified vet.
Harvey- I’ll see you tomorrow. Maybe we can go to a movie?
Sabrina- Sounds great!
She practically pushes him out of the door before closing it in his face.
Sabrina- (Cont.)(To herself) Just great!
She stamps her foot in frustration.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem is sat on the counter as Zelda and Hilda arrive home. Hilda holds up a postcard
Hilda- This ones going on the fridge.
Salem- How was the museum?
Hilda- It’s so funny. They’re selling postcards of Zelda... nude!
She shows Salem the postcard.
Salem- Well Hel-lo!
Zelda- Excuse me! It’s art. And according to that guy in the raincoat who was staring at me, a masterpiece.
Sabrina comes in from the living room agitated.
Hilda- This is what I heard. ‘Rhino hunting man, whick-a-nickis Harvey’ Slow down.
Sabrina- I said ‘Why Can’t I Kiss Harvey?’
Zelda- Got it that time. Sabrina, have a seat. We need to talk.
They all sit down round the table.
Sabrina- Nothing good ever comes of talking.
Zelda- You see when a witch kisses a mortal for the first time, the mortal turns into a frog.
Sabrina- A frog? Look if you guys don’t like Harvey just...
Hilda- (Interrupting) No! No! No! We like him. Otherwise we wouldn’t be warning you.
Sabrina- So if I kiss Harvey he turns into a frog. It sounds like something out of a fairy tail?
Zelda- Well they had to get it from somewhere.
Hilda- Do you think they make that stuff up?
Sabrina- So I can never kiss Harvey?
Zelda- Not without transmogrifying him.
Hilda- That’s not a good thing.
Sabrina- My life is ruined. I hate being a witch!
She jumps up and runs heartbroken upstairs to her room. Hilda jumps up and runs to the foot of the stairs.
Hilda- (Calling after) Oh-no! It’s not so bad. I went through high school without kissing.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. At least that’s what I think it is. It’s awfully dark in there. And silent until there’s a light knock at the door. It opens showing two silhouetted figures.
Zelda- Can we come in?
Hilda- Can we turn on the light?
Sabrina- If you must.
The light goes on revealing Sabrina curled up in her chair with the teeny, tiny valentine card in her hands. The tears have dried but the pain remains.
Hilda- We’ve been doing some research that we think you should know about.
Zelda- We checked the handbook and since you’re half mortal there’s only a fifty-fifty chance that Harvey will turn into a frog.
Sabrina- So it’s good news?
Hilda- well there’s a fifty percent chance that it’s good news and a fifty percent chance that it’s bad.
Zelda- It’s sort of a coin toss.
She points at her hand and produces a silver dollar. She hands it to Sabrina.
Hilda- (Cont.) Flip it. You’ll see what we mean.
Sabrina- Okay. Heads; He stays Harvey. Tails; He’s a frog.
She flips the coin, catches it and places it on the back of her hand before looking.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Tails. Maybe two out of three.
She flips the coin again.
Int. Spellman living room. The next day. Sabrina flips the coin.
She flips again.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Tails. Ugh!
Salem- Why the Ugh!?
Sabrina- Out of a hundred try’s it came out fifty heads and fifty tails. What are the odds of that happening.
Salem- Don’t ask me. I was an English major.
The door bell rings.
Sabrina- Who could that be?
She heads for the door to find out.
Salem- I’m not expecting company. Are you?
A glance through the frosted glass of the door tells all.
Sabrina- It’s Harvey and I look like laundry!
She points at herself and changes into a cute black dress, her hair gets a magical brushing and her face a touch of make-up and she grows a couple of inches as her trainers become heeled shoes.
Sabrina- (Cont.) There.
She answers the door.
Sabrina- Hi! What are you doing here?
Harvey- Don’t you remember? Yesterday I said I’d see you tomorrow.
Sabrina- And today’s tomorrow.
Harvey- Right. So do you still wanna go to a movie?
Sabrina- Sure. Wait! They keep those theatres kinda dark don’t they? I’d better go ask my aunts. Stay here.
She dashes off.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda’s working at her computer as Sabrina rushes in.
Sabrina- Harvey’s here and he want’s to go to the movies. What should I do?
Zelda- See ‘Shine’ Everybody’s raving about it.
Sabrina- You know what I mean.
Zelda- I see no reason why two friends can’t go to the movies.
Sabrina- Right. Two friends.
Zelda- Just be careful. Would it help if I gave him a bad breath spell?
Sabrina- No. I still have to sit next to him. Can we crunch those numbers one more time?
Zelda- I checked with MIT. They’re still fifty-fifty.
Sabrina- Well let me know if they change.
She grabs her coat and heads off to the living room.
Ext. Spellman porch. Harvey’s still waiting. Sabrina arrives ready to go.
Sabrina- Alright. Lets go.
Harvey- Great. I’m really looking forward to this.
Sabrina- Me too old buddy, old pal.
She punches his arm in a old buddy, old pal sort of way.
Int. Harvey’s car. They reach for the seat belts and buckle up.
Harvey- So. What kind of movie are you up for?
Sabrina- Something with a lot of random property damage.
Harvey- ‘Vindicator III’ just opened.
She is still struggling with her seat belt.
Harvey- Let me help you with that. They’re kinda tricky.
He gets her strapped in.
Harvey- (Cont.) There.
He looks across at her. There eyes meet.
Harvey- (Cont.) You look really pretty tonight.
He leans over to kiss her.
Sabrina- Thanks. So do you. lets go.
Int. Westbridge Roxy Cinema. Harvey and Sabrina sit in the darkness of the back seats. a carton of popcorn on Harvey’s knee as they watch the film. Well at least Harvey’s watching the movie. Sabrina seems to have found her own amusement as she continuously flips a shiny silver dollar.
Harvey- Now is he the real vindicator or the replicator?
There’s a crash and an explosion from the big screen and Harvey flinches.
Sabrina- (Cont.) I’m sorry. What did you say?
Harvey- It’s not important. Whoever he is, now he’s dead. Hey. You look really pretty tonight.
She looks up from her coin and their eyes meet. She smiles and he leans across to kiss her. She gives a flick of her magic finger and all the popcorn leaps from the carton all over Harvey.
Sabrina- Oh! Better get more popcorn.
She grabs the carton and dashes off to the concession stand.
Int. ‘The Evil Bean’ Coffee house. Sabrina sits at a table tossing her coin as Harvey returns with two cups of coffee and a muffin.
Harvey- Here ya go.
Sabrina- Heads! Alright!
Harvey- Why do you keep flipping that coin?
Sabrina- Well if it comes up heads a hundred times in a row I win a prize. Tails. Stupid eagle!
Harvey- Hey. Do ya know what the best part of that movie was?
Sabrina- The end credits with the Lou Reed song?
Harvey hutches his seat closer.
Harvey- No. Seeing it with you.
Harvey- You look really pretty tonight.
He leans forward to kiss her only to find the muffin between their lips as Sabrina takes a bite. Sabrina holds it out to him.
Int. Harvey’s car. It pulls up outside Sabrina’s house and she wastes no time in unclipping the seat-belt.
Sabrina- Well that was fun. Best time two *friends* could have. Well nothing left to say so good night and gods-speed.
She reaches for the door handle.
Harvey- Sabrina! Can we talk?
Sabrina- What about?
Harvey- Has something changed between us?
Sabrina- What d’ya mean?
Harvey- Well maybe I’m reading too much into this but yesterday I got the feeling that you wanted to kiss me. And today I feel like you don’t.
Sabrina- No Harvey. It’s just... You see I... I can’t explain.
Harvey- That’s all right. You don’t have to. I mean if that’s what you want we can just be... Friends.
Sabrina- I think that would be the best for both of us.
Harvey- All right. I’ll walk you to the door. Oh man! I really wanted to kiss you.
And he’s not the only one who really wanted it. Sabrina sits and weighs her options. It’s a great risk but...
She reaches across and takes him by the shoulders, leans forward and pulls him close. Their lips finally meet in a brief, wonderful union. They break apart and Sabrina studies him closely.
Sabrina- You’re still here!
Harvey- I’ll always be here for you Sabrrrribit.
He sinks into himself before her eyes. Takes on a greenish tinge as his hands and feet become webbed. The transformation is quick and complete leaving a small bull-frog sat on the drivers seat of the car.
Harvey- (Cont.) Ribit!
Sabrina- I was afraid you’d say that.
Int. Spellman living room. Hilda is practising on her fiddle playing a frantic piece requiring total concentration with Salem for an audience as Sabrina runs in holding Harvey the frog.
Sabrina- Help! Help!
Salem- What’s the matter?
Sabrina- I turned Harvey into a frog!
Zelda arrives at her nieces call as Hilda obliviously plays on. Zelda carefully takes Harvey from Sabrina.
Sabrina- You’re not helping with that music aunt Hilda.
Hilda stops and turns.
Zelda- I thought you were going to just be friends?
Sabrina- I tried but I failed and now we’re not even the same species.
Zelda- Well first thing first. Lets keep him moist.
She snaps her fingers and produces a plant sprayer and gives Harvey a few squirts.
Zelda- (Cont.) And secondly. There’s still hope.
Hilda- Right. The true love clause.
Sabrina- What’s that?
Hilda- There’s a test you can take to determine if it’s true love. And if it is Harvey will change back into a person.
Sabrina- And if it isn’t.
Hilda- You’ll be changed into a frog.
Sabrina- Aren’t those stakes kinda high? I mean Harvey’s super-cute and I really really like him but how am I supposed to know if it’s true love?
Salem- Well do you think about him when he’s not around?
Zelda- And does your heart beat faster when you see him walking down the hall?
Hilda- And does it bother you when he chews gum?
Hilda- Then it might be true love.
Sabrina- I’m taking the test! Is it multiple choice?
Int. The National Institute of Love. The Other Realm. Somebody sure thinks pink and lavender are the colours of love as everything is one or the other. The love seat, the carpet, the walls, the roses covering the trellis archway, even the gravel in the bottom of the tank containing the results of failed tests. Frogs hop about and gaze out from the tank. Sabrina and her aunts enter carrying Harvey the frog on a plastic case.
Sabrina- Where are we?
Hilda- The National Institute of Love.
Zelda- Normally it’s very clinical but they go all out for valentines day.
They move through the trellis arch into the room and Sabrina’s black dress becomes red to be more colour co-ordinated with the room. Hilda and Zelda’s outfits suffer the same fate.
Sabrina- Wow! They really take their colour scheme seriously.
Zelda- I’ll sign you in.
Hilda- Drell should be here any minute.
Sabrina- Drell gives the test!?
Hilda- Yeah. It’s kinda strange us seeing each other today. It’s the ninety-forth anniversary of our thirty-second break-up.
Hilda- Thanks. Oh shh! Here he comes.
The giant head of the witches council saunters in in a colour co-ordinated red silk smoking jacket and cravat.
Drell- Hello ladies. And Hilda.
Drell- So Sabrina. You’re here to take the test of true love huh?
Sabrina- Yes I am.
Drell- The test is in three parts. Each one more horrifying than the last. You scared?
Sabrina- A little.
Drell- Smart. Now you have a standard release form here. The council, of course, is not responsible for the loss of hair, dignity or personal items. Just er sign right here.
He hands her a pen and she signs on the dotted line.
Drell- (Cont.) If you want collision just initial the box.
Hilda- Oh don’t fall for that. It’s a rip-off.
Sabrina hands back the pen and there’s a horrible female scream of agony from thin air.
Sabrina- What was that?!
Drell- You just signed your life away. So. You all set?
Sabrina- Yeah. Where do I start?
Drell- Start at door number one.
He shows her three pink doors along one wall and opens the first one for her. Sabrina hands the clear plastic case with Harvey in it to Zelda and Hugs both her aunts.
Hilda- Good luck.
Zelda- Follow your heart.
Sabrina- Don’t let Harvey dry out.
Drell- Come on!
Sabrina rushes to door number one and enters.
Int. The True Love Game Show studio. Intro music plays as the game show host introduces the next contestant.
Host- Please welcome Sabrina Spellman.
The cheesy gold curtains rustle as Sabrina comes on stage dressed in a sixties outfit. Pink phsicodelic mini-dress, white knee-boots and heavily sprayed hair-do. Canned applause welcomes her onto the show.
Sabrina- Oh! What is this?
Host- Part one of your test is the true love game. Here, sit down.
He guides her to her seat.
Host- (Cont.) Would you like to meet your three Harvey’s?
Sabrina- Harvey’s? I like this game.
Host- Gentlemen, lets give your best hello’s to Sabrina.
Beyond the screen the three Harvey’s sit in stools all dressed in suits the Monkeys would be proud of.
Harvey #1- Hey Sabrina.
Harvey #2- Hey! Sabrina.
Harvey #3- Hey Sabrina.
Sabrina- Hi Harvey’s.
Host- How well do you know the person you think you’re in love with? Lets find out and here are the questions.
He hands some pink cards to Sabrina.
Sabrina- All right. Um. This question is for Harvey number two. (Reading) ‘If I were a princess trapped in a tower. How would you rescue me?’
Harvey #2- Well the thought of you makes me walk on air. So I’d float right up and whisk you away.
Sabrina- That’s sweet. And Harvey number one. What would you do?
Harvey #1- Blow up the tower.
Sabrina- Okay. Um. This questions for Harvey number three. (Reading) ‘Describe Harvey numbers one’s best and worst feature’
Harvey #3- Well he has really nice side-burns.
Harvey #1- Thanks man. You too.
Harvey #2- Hey, what about me?
Harvey #1- They’re okay.
Host- Come on guys. Lets just go on please.
Sabrina- Okay. This question is for all of you. (Reading) ‘What’s your favourite kind of triangle?’ These questions don’t tell me anything.
Host- Nobody said the test would be easy.
Sabrina- Harvey number one, your triangle?
Harvey #1- Obtuse.
Sabrina- And why?
Harvey #1- I don’t know.
Sabrina- Harvey number two?
Harvey #2- Scalene. Definitely scalene.
Sabrina- And Harvey number three. What’s your favourite kind of triangle.
Harvey #3- Equilateral. I like that it’s symmetrical.
Sabrina- That’s him! That’s my Harvey! Harvey number three!
She jumps up and down with excitement.
Host- That’s right Sabrina and you’ve past part one.
The canned audience goes wild as she jumps for joy.
Int. The National Institute of Love. Sabrina enters still bouncing with excitement.
Sabrina- I passed!
Zelda- Ha-ha! Congratulations.
She gets a big hug.
Hilda- Way to go!
Drell- Well you passed the test of friendship. True love can’t exist without friendship. They make me say that.
Sabrina- I’m pumped. What’s next?
Drell- Um, Door number two.
She bends down to Harvey the frog.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Wish me luck Harvey.
Sabrina- Oh even as a frog he’s cute.
She dashes off through door #2. Zelda looks between Drell and Hilda and sees their need to talk.
Zelda- Come on Harvey. Let’s go and check the trellis for bugs.
Hilda- So. What’s new in the life of the most powerful man in the universe?
Drell- I finally moved out of my parents basement.
Drell- Yeah. You were right. I-I should have done it centuries ago.
Hilda- I told you. So you’ve got your own place?
Hilda- I’d love to come see it sometime.
Drell- Oh that’d-That’d be great. Especially if you brought some furniture.
Ext. The National Institute of Love Pool area. (Round the back, down the crazy-paving path, alongside the tennis and basketball courts.) Sabrina sits stretched out on a sun-lounger in her swimsuit and shades. She’s been sat there a while and is getting a little worried and a touch pink as she didn’t think to bring her sun-block.
Sabrina- Hello! Anybody! Is this a test for patience?
There a ripple across the water and a bronzed, well built, handsome bloke climbs dripping from the pool.
Zak- Ah is anyone sitting here?
He indicates the lounger beside Sabrina’s.
Sabrina- No. Go ahead.
He takes the towel from the lounger and starts to rub dry his dark hair.
Zak- I’m Zak. So are you here to take the test?
Sabrina- Yeah. I wish they’d hurry.
Zak stretches himself on the lounger beside her.
Zak- Oh. Could be awhile so you should just relax. The sun feels good huh?
Sabrina- Yeah. It’s kinda cool to lay by the pool in the middle of February.
Zak- Yeah. You know those sun glasses are great on you. You look like a blonde Audrey Hepburn.
Sabrina- I love Audrey Hepburn! Which one of her movies is your favourite?
Zak- Well I’d have to say ‘Sabrina’ I just love the name.
Sabrina- You’re kidding! That’s my name.
Zak- Wow! So Sabrina. Are you hungry?
Sabrina- I hadn’t thought about it but I guess maybe a little.
Zak- How about a piece of delicious chocolate cake?
He points at the little glass table between them and a huge chunk of chocolate sponge cake filled with whipped cream appears.
Sabrina- Wow, that looks amazing.
Zak- Oh it is. Here. Have a little bite.
He cuts off a fork full and offers it temptingly to Sabrina.
Sabrina- I don’t know. I had a pretty big muffin earlier.
Zak- Ah come on. One little taste couldn’t hurt.
Sabrina- That’s true.
She leans forward to take the forkful in her mouth.
Zak- You look really pretty tonight.
She stops inches from the fork and looks at the mans rippling, bronzed muscles. His charming smile and dark flashing eyes.
Sabrina- Wait! You’re trying to make me forget about Harvey aren’t you?
Zak- Harvey? Who’s Harvey?
Sabrina- Oh Ho-ho! You’re a sly one. But I can’t eat cake when Harvey’s in trouble.
Zak- Ah yes you can!
Sabrina- No I can’t!
Zak- Eat it!
A bell rings and canned applause ripple round the pool.
Zak- Well that was the test. You passed.
Sabrina- I did? Woo-Hoo!!
Zak- How about one bite to celebrate?
Sabrina- What do you take me for?
Int. The National Institute of Love. Sabrina comes back through door #2 bouncing with delight again. She is hugged by her aunts.
Sabrina- I passed and I got some colour in my cheeks.
Drell- Nicely done. You passed the test of fidelity.
Zelda- You resisted temptation. Something that tests every relationship.
Drell- Zelda, do you mind. This is my gig.
Sabrina- One more door and we’re out of here.
She heads for door #3 but...
Drell- Not so fast! The next test is really dangerous. Our insurance carrier requires that you read this pamphlet.
He hands the pamphlet to Sabrina.
Sabrina- (Reading) ‘So you’re going to be a frog’?
Zelda- I’ll go over it with you honey.
She leads Sabrina away.
Drell- (To Hilda) What ya thinkin’?
Hilda- You’re asking me?
Drell- Yeah. Can’t a guy ask a girl what she’s thinkin’?
Hilda- I was just wondering. Do you think our old flame is still burning?
Drell- Well there’s one way to find out.
Hilda- You still have it?
Drell- Yeah. No-one bought it at the garage-sale. It’s over here.
He leads her over to an ornate heart shaped box on a table.
Hilda- You open it. I’m afraid to look.
He takes hold of the two tiny door handles in his huge fingers and slowly opens the front of the box. A candle burns brightly within. Hilda sucks in a breath.
Drell- Yes! The old flame is still burning.
Hilda- After all these years.
Drell- You can warm soup over it.
Hilda- Maybe what we had was special. I’m going to take the test of true love.
Drell- For me?
Hilda- For us.
Drell- I’ll be waiting.
Hilda- Maybe this could be the beginning of something wonderful.
She turns and dashes towards door #1 but stops and turns before entering.
Hilda- (Cont.) Drell! You rock my world.
And then she’s gone. Drell flicks his long, curly hair back over his shoulder.
Drell- (To himself) I’m as giddy as a school-girl.
Int. The True Love Game Show set. The shows Host introduces the next contestant to rapturous canned applause.
Host- Say hello to Hilda Spellman.
Hilda comes dancing round the curtain in her lime green sixties outfit.
She takes her seat.
Host- Right guys. Give your best hello’s to Hilda.
Drell #1- Hi Hilda.
Drell #2- Hilda Baby.
Drell #3- Yo Hilda.
Hilda- Hi Drell’s. I think I already know.
Host- Cool your jets. That’s not how we play.
He hands Hilda her question cards.
Hilda- Drell number two. (Reading) ‘If you were a condiment. what would you be?’
Drell #1- (To Drell #2) It’s a stupid question.
Drell #3- (To Drell #2) Ketchup! Ketchup! Say Ketchup!
Drell #2- (To Hilda) Mustard. So I could spice up your life.
Hilda- That’s him! That’s my Drell!
Host- Incorrect. Games over.
Hilda- Number three?
Hilda- Number one?
Host- I said it’s over.
Hilda- No it’s not!
She throws her question cards at the host and heads for the Drell’s. The host makes a grab for her.
Host- (Calling) Security!
Int. The National Institute of love. Drell paces expectantly as Sabrina and Zelda go over the pamphlet. Hilda enters through door #1
Drell- What, no canned applause?
She bends down to the little heart shaped box and blows out the eternal flame.
Sabrina- I’ve finished the pamphlet.
Drell- So you’ve decided what kind of frog you wanna be?
Sabrina- Yeah. I’ve selected the flying tree-frog.
Drell- Excellent choice. Then it’s time for the last test. But this one isn’t...
He turns to Hilda.
Drell- (Cont.) *Easy* (To Sabrina) like the others.
Zelda- Good luck and don’t be nervous.
Sabrina- I’m not nervous. I mean I know it’s true love. So therefore I have no reason to be nervous.
Drell- Er push. Don’t pull, push.
Sabrina pushes open door #3 and nervously enter.
Ext. The badlands. The New Jersey side of the river. The weak sun cannot penetrate the evil smelling smog that pervades the area. You can’t see your hand in front of your face. A voice calls in the darkness.
Sabrina- Hello! Is anybody here?
Her voice echoes in the endless void.
Sabrina- Harvey! Where are you?
Harvey- I’m not sure. It’s dark in here. See if you can find a light switch.
She feels around herself in the darkness.
Sabrina- Wait. Here’s one.
She flicks it and immediately wishes she hadn’t. The light source is a raging sheet of searing flame leaping up from the deep chasm of flowing molten lava at her feet. She stands on one side of the chasm beside a signpost. One arm points away from the chasm saying ‘Safe road’ the other points across the it saying ‘True love’ In between is a conveniently situated light switch. Harvey stands on the other side and a rickety slatted wooden bridge stretches between them across the fiery gulf.
Sabrina- I don’t like this. What’s going on?
Harvey- It’s a test of faith. You have to get to me.
Sabrina- Does the safe road come out anywhere near you?
Harvey- No. I think it dead-ends in the suburbs.
Sabrina- Then there’s only one way.
She takes a tentative step onto the rickety bridge.
Sabrina- (To herself) Scared.
A few more steps and the searing rising heat from below makes sweat immediately prickle on her skin.
Sabrina- (To herself) Hot! Really scared! Really hot!!
The leaping flames touch beneath the bridge charring the ropes that hold the slats in place. He foot comes down at a weak spot and the whole center section of the bridge drops into the chasm and is vaporised instantly. Sabrina screams but manages to leap back before she follows it.
Harvey- Get back! It’s not worth it.
Sabrina- Yes it is! I can do this!
She backs up a way and looks down at the yawning gap in the bridge. With a short run she takes a leap of total faith but the gap is too wide. She’s falling short and a fiery, agonising death beckons until two strong hands grab her and pull her safely into their embrace.
Sabrina- I made it! Oh Harvey!
She throws her arms around his neck just as he fizzles out and vanishes.
Sabrina- All that for a hologram?!
Int. The National Institute of Love. Drell is lay across the love seat with Harvey the frog in it’s case on his chest. He studies it forlornly wondering what the frog has that he doesn’t. Sabrina comes back in through door #3 once again bouncing around with joy.
Sabrina- I did it! I passed! It is true love.
She gives Zelda a huge hug.
Zelda- Oh Sabrina. That’s wonderful!
Sabrina- I have to admit I had my doubts. But now I can shout it to the world. I HAVE A TRUE LOVE!
Drell- Don’t rub it in. Take your frog and go.
Sabrina- But I passed. Why’s Harvey still a frog?
Zelda- There’s one final detail. To change him back you have to return to the scene of the kiss and kiss him again.
Sabrina- I have to kiss a frog? That is so gross.
Zelda- (To Drell) Teenagers! They’ll jump through flames but ask them to kiss a frog.
Drell- Would you go?
Zelda- (To Sabrina) Come on.
She pushes her niece towards the trellised archway.
Sabrina- Wait! Where’s aunt Hilda?
Zelda- Shhh! Don’t ask.
Ext. The National Institute of Love. Pool area. Hilda sits in the handsome Zak’s lap surrounded by cakes, pies, trifles, and drinks.
Hilda- Hmm! Zak. This pecan pie is fabulous. Even better than the cheesecake. Is that meringue?
Zak smiles and picks up the meringue.
Int. Harvey car. Sabrina sits in the passenger seat and lifts the frog towards her lips. She grimaces.
Sabrina- Your lips are all slimy.
She tries again and closing her eyes manages to kiss the little amphibian. She quickly puts him down on the drivers seat and sure enough within seconds her handsome prince is beside her. His lips are pursed so she smiles and kisses him again.
Sabrina- It worked! That was great!
Harvey- I know! That’s why I’ve been trying to kiss you all night.
Sabrina- Can we try it again? I think I might enjoy it more this time.
Harvey- Me too. I have to admit I was pretty nervous.
The both lean forward and there lips brush one another. There may be no sparks flying this time but there is definitely a charge there. We’ll leave them for a while as they wont be coming up for air any time soon.
Ext. The Spellman porch. Two faces are at the frosted glass looking out.
Zelda- Aren’t they cute?
Salem- Yeah. I’m glad she passed but I still can’t believe you let her take that risk.
Zelda- There was no risk. I knew she’d pass.
Int. Spellman living room. Zelda looks down at the black bundle of fur in her arms.
Salem- You did?
Zelda- At sixteen it’s always true love.
Salem- Why didn’t you tell her?
Zelda- Because now she thinks it’s extra-special.
Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Harvey rushed up to Sabrina at her locker between classes on Monday morning.
Harvey- Hi Sab.
Harvey- I just found out I don’t have basketball practice. So if you want I can give you a ride home.
Sabrina- And miss getting stuff thrown at me on the bus? Hmm... Okay!
Harvey- Great! Then I’ll meet you here at three-thirty?
Harvey- See ya.
Sabrina- See ya.
Harvey turns and walks down the hall with a peculiar springy walk.
Sabrina- (Calling after) Harvey!
Sabrina- It’s kinda to bad you don’t have basketball practice today.
Harvey looks at her confused before hopping off round the corner. Sabrina laughs to herself and puts her books away.