Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
Written By - Frank Conniff
Transcribed By - Paul Booth
Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Mrs Ericson - Beth Howland
Bob Gordon - Dann Florek
Dirk - Bill Fagerbakke
Daphne - Patty Toy
Andrew - Carl Banks
Haley - Linda Kash
Little Hilda - Susie Rossitto
Zoë - Ally Holmes
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina’s on the pay phone.
Sabrina- Please be home, please, please, please, please.
Int. Spellman kitchen. the phone rings as Hilda’s gets her hand on the back door handle ready to go out.
Hilda- Should I?
Int. School hallway.
Sabrina- Please answer.
Int. Spellman kitchen.
Hilda- I don’t know. Oh all right.
She walks over to the phone sneezing on the way and answers it. Sabrina’s on the other end.
Sabrina- Aunt Hilda, I’m so glad you're home. I left my history book on the kitchen counter, do you see it?
Hilda- Yes it’s right here where you left it.
Sabrina- Can you send it to me?
Hilda- Are you alone?
Sabrina looks around.
Hilda- Stand back.
She points at the book and just as she cast the teleport spell she sneezes again. The book vanishes.
Sabrina- What happened?
Hilda- I sneezed.
Sabrina- So where’s my book?
Hilda- I don’t know but I’m sure it will turn up somewhere.
Ext. Egypt, just beyond the great pyramids, a history book with a 'Fighting Scallions' dust-jacket drops into the baking Sahara sand.
Run opening credits.
Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. Sabrina sits with Harvey.
Sabrina- I just don’t get why they’re making us read ‘1984’ when Orwell got so much wrong.
A girl student comes up to their table.
Zoë- Hey guys, I’m selling tickets for the sophomore class trip to Funland. Do you wanna go?
Harvey- Sure, Funland sounds like fun. How much?
Zoë- Forty bucks.
Sabrina- Who has that kinda money?
Zoë- I do. The deadline’s the end of next week, so let me know.
Harvey- (To Sabrina) I can tell her right now, I’ll never be able to dig up that much cash.
Sabrina- Me neither. Plus I can’t ask my aunts, they’re on a ‘Teach her the value of a dollar’ kick.
Harvey- What made them do that?
Sabrina- I went on a ‘Blow my allowance on dumb stuff’ kick.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem has the latest catalogues spread over the bed and talks on the phone when Sabrina enters.
Salem- And while I was on hold I realised I need one of those shoe buffers. What, maxed out! But that’s impossible, I demand to speak to your superior..... Hello? Hello!
Sabrina- Salem, what’s going on?
Salem- I don’t believe it, I just had my credit card yanked.
Sabrina- You have a credit card?
Salem- Yes. I was pre-approved by the good people of the bank of Newark. Now I’m a little over extended.
Sabrina- I’m sorry to hear that.
Salem- A appreciate your concern.
Sabrina- No. 'cause I was going to hit you up for a loan.
Salem- And I was going to ask you for money.
Sabrina- How ironic. We’re doomed, I guess we’re going to have to get jobs.
Int. Spellman living room. There’s a knock at the door. Zelda goes to answer.
It’s Dirk the mail man.
Dirk- Me again.
Zelda- Hello Dirk.
Dirk- Sorry to disturb you miss Zelda Peace Spellman but I just finished my rounds when I found a straggler in the bottom of my bag for you.
He hands the letter over.
Dirk- Thought it might be important.
Zelda- (Reading) I’ve been pre-approved by the bank of Newark.
Dirk- Say, I saw you talking to a Fed Ex guy the other day. Is there some’in’ I should know about?
Zelda- He was just dropping off a package.
Dirk- Yeah. I don’t trust those guys, You know it’s not natural for mail to move that fast.
Zelda- I agree, and now it’s very important that I close the door.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda tears up the letter and drops it in the trash can
Hilda- He has really got it bad for you.
Zelda- I wish there was some gentle way to let him down.
Hilda- I know what you need. I just saw an ad for it in 'Modern Witch'.
She goes across to the table and flips through the magazine.
Hilda- (Cont.) It’s a new perfume that repels love. Here it is. (Reading) Somewhere between disdain and contempt lies ‘Revolsion’.
Zelda- Revolsion? Hm (Reading) Available at Full Moon Beauty Supply.
Hilda- Lets go.
Zelda- We can’t, Full Moon Beauty Supply’s only open once a month.
Zelda- during the full moon.
Hilda- I knew that.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina sits in her arm chair reading through the situations vacant section. Salem lies across the backrest reading over her shoulder.
Sabrina- Accountant? No. Crane operator? No. Systems analyst? Hey, I can do that. Good system, bad system.
Salem- I think you need to know something about computers. Hold everything, look at this. (Reading) Greater Boston cat show, grand prize five hundred dollars.
Sabrina- A cat show? I can’t see you in a cat show.
Salem- Don’t you think I’m pretty?
Sabrina- Of course.
Salem- Then get an application, this is our chance for a quick score.
Sabrina- All right.
She points at her desk and an Application form appears. She gets up and grabs a pen.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay, Name? Salem Spellman.
Salem- May I remind you, I’m your cat, not your pet. I have my own last name.
Sabrina- You do?
Salem- It’s Saberhagen, Salem Saberhagen.
Sabrina- And what breed are you?
Salem- American short hair and darned proud of it. Write that down, the judges will eat that up.
Sabrina- That’s all we need, except for the five dollar application fee.
Salem- Don’t look at me, I’m maxed out.
Int. The Greater Boston Cat Show, sponsored by Feline Feast. Sabrina enters with Harvey, she carries Salem in her arms. The place is pretty full of cats looking for the big prize and they’ve all brought their owners along for company.
Sabrina- (To Harvey) Will you sign me in, I’m gonna grab the last cage.
Harvey- Sure, It’s Saberhagen right?
She puts Salem into the basket in the wire animal cage.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Here you go, are you comfortable?
Salem- I feel like a caged animal in here. Oh look at all these losers.
Sabrina- Hey, you’d better behave yourself.
Salem- I will.
Sabrina- You always say that but... What am I doing, if people see me talking to my cat they’ll think I’m nuts.
Salem- Look around.
Haley- (To her cat) Yes you are, yes you are.
Andrew- (To his cat) You wanna be a winner, think like a winner.
Sabrina- (To her cat) Okay, we can talk all we want.
Mrs Ericson- Hello.
Sabrina turns to see a middle-aged woman in a blazer holding her cat, She has a lot of blue ribbon rosette’s fastened to her blazer.
Mrs Ericson- What a pretty cat, Oh no ribbons.
Sabrina- This is our first show.
Mrs Ericson- Duke has won quite a few times, see.
She shows Sabrina the row of ribbons on her blazer then pulls it back to reveal another row on her sweater.
Sabrina- It’s nice of your cat to let you wear them.
Mrs Ericson- Oh yes. He’s a Burmese you know. What’s yours.
Sabrina- An American short hair.
Sabrina- And darned proud of it.
Mrs Ericson- Well the Burmese judging is up first so we’d better go finish grooming.
Salem- Unbelievable. Did you see that, her cat had whisker extensions.
Sabrina- How could you tell?
Salem- It’s so obvious.
Harvey arrives back from booking them in.
Harvey- I got you a good number, Thirty-eight.
Sabrina- Excellent, lucky... thirty-eight.
Harvey- Hey, isn’t that Bob Gordon, the channel eight news guy?
Sabrina- Yeah, I guess he’s the judge.
The dark haired man in the suit and spectacles moves to the centre of the room, all eyes turn to him.
Bob Gordon- Welcome to the Greater Boston cat show, I’m Bob Gordon. Today I will be selecting for best of breed. Those winners will stay over night and tomorrow be judged for best of show. I hope you're all prepared for a thorough and perhaps even gruelling competition.
Salem- (Whispering) Pst, Sabrina.
Salem- Get the brush, I’m shedding like crazy.
Later. Bob Gordon holds Salem up above his head and inspects him closely.
Sabrina- (To Harvey) What is he looking for?
Harvey- To see if it’s a boy or a girl?
Bob Gordon- This cat has excellent bone structure, a lovely coat and a somewhat bemused expression. This is one of my top three American short hairs.
Bob hands Salem back to Sabrina.
Bob Gordon- Congratulations. Now lets begin the parade of semi-finalists.
Mrs Ericson- Watch out for Andrew, he’ll try to trip you.
Haley- Watch out for Mrs Ericson, she plays head games.
Andrew- Watch out for Haley, she’s paranoid.
Bob Gordon- Here we go.
Piano music strikes up and the semi finalists all sashay past the judge in a sort of conga line with silly little dance steps showing off their cats. Sabrina moves along with the line.
Sabrina- (To Salem) This is the cheesiest thing I’ve ever done.
Sabrina smiles at Bob Gordon and has her heal clipped by Andrew behind her.
Andrew- Did I step on your shoe?
Bob Gordon- How am I supposed to chose?
Later. Sabrina grooms Salem on her shoulder, Harvey comes up.
Harvey- D’you mind if I take off? I’m bored outa my skull.
Sabrina- Go ahead, my aunts can pick me up.
Harvey- This was fun.
Bob Gordon- Now we will begin the one on one interviews.
Int. Bob Gordon’s office. He sits behind the desk, Sabrina sits in front with Salem in her lap. His front paws rest on the desk top.
Bob Gordon- What can you tell me about Salem’s temperament?
Sabrina- Well he’s very friendly, very focused and..
She covers Salem’s ears with her hands.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Just a little power mad.
Bob Gordon- Sounds like he’s all cat.
Sabrina- Right, and he’s got a real head for numbers. May I demonstrate?
She pick up a special board they’ve prepared numbered from 0 to 9 and places it on the desk in front of Salem.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Ask him a simple multiplication question.
Bob Gordon- Okay, Salem, er what’s seven times five?
Salem places his paw first on the three and then on the five.
Bob Gordon- (Cont.) Amazing! Although we do judge purely on appearance.
Sabrina- Isn’t that life?
Int. The main cat show room. Bob comes out of the office followed by Sabrina and Salem.
Bob Gordon- Will all of our semi finalists please bring their cat’s forward. I will now announce my best of breed decisions.
The Stray cats ‘Stray cat strut’ kicks off as the best of breed ribbons are handed out.
Mrs Ericson gets one to add to the many she already wears.
The scar faced, bald headed arch villain Ernst Blofeld gets one for his fluffy white pussy and laughs maniacally.
Andrew snatches his and vigorously shakes Bob’s hand.
Haley accepts hers as if it’s only to be expected and gives her cat a kiss.
Bob looks over the three remaining American short hairs tapping the blue ribbon against his lips then makes his decision as the music fades.
Bob Gordon- And this is my first place American short hair.
Sabrina accepts the ribbon with a smile.
Sabrina- And darned proud of it.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Zelda comes out of her bedroom and calls into Hilda’s.
Zelda- Come on Hilda. Full moon, let’s go.
Hilda- Coming. Relax, you’ll get your revulsion.
Zelda- Oh I hope it works. I don’t want Dirk to go after the UPS guy again.
They enter the linen closet and are zapped to the Other Realm.
Int. Full Moon Beauty Supply. The bell over the door tinkles as the aunts enter. The shop keeper is pleased to see them. She grabs two shopping baskets and goes to meet them.
Daphne- Hello, welcome to Full Moon Beauty Supply.
She gives them the baskets.
Daphne- (Cont.) May I help you?
Zelda- I need a bottle of Revulsion.
Daphne- Oh, someone’s bothering you. A little or a lot?
Daphne- (Interrupting) Oh get a big one, a pretty girl like you needs a lot of Revulsion.
Hilda- What’s this?
She points to a display of hand mirrors.
Daphne- Ah, this is a magic mirror that shows you at your best.
Hilda- (Reading) The Make-Over Mirror. It’s a nice reflection on you.
Daphne- Try it.
She hands Hilda the mirror and she looks at herself in it.
Hilda- I’m ravishing! I have to have it.
Daphne- Oh here, buy two. One for each of you.
Zelda- No. Hilda, you can’t buy self-esteem.
Hilda- Yes I can and it’s on sale.
Daphne- Try some wrinkle berry’s, they smooth out your face... and other places. Here, I give you half a pound.
Zelda- No thank you. We can shop for ourselves.
The aunts browse, Hilda spots a basket of goodies on the counter and picks one up.
Hilda- Oh, stress mints. I wonder if they work.
Zelda- Careful, it says ‘no samples’
Hilda- I can read.
But apperantly not comprehend as she pops the mint into her mouth regardless. The mint doesn’t do much for her stress level but it certainly reduces her eye level as Hilda shrinks to a height of three feet.
Zelda- Hilda! What have you done?
Hilda- I didn’t do anything.
Daphne- A-ha! My no sample spell works.
Hilda- I couldn’t help myself. Change me back, please.
Daphne- Hm okay, but first you will pay for the stress mints and then you’ll buy a sample antidote and then you’ll buy a gift certificate.
Hilda- Oh sure, stick it to the little guy.
Int. The Greater Boston cat Show. Sabrina is getting Salem bedded down for the night in his cage. Almost everyone else has gone.
Salem- Today, best of breed. Tomorrow, best of show.
Sabrina- You should be very proud Salem. Okay, here’s your milk and The Economist and now I have to go call my aunts.
She shuts up the cage and heads for the door as Bob Gordon comes out of his office.
Bob Gordon- I guess we’re closing down the place.
Bob’s mobile phone rings.
Bob Gordon- Excuse me.
He takes the phone from his pocket
Sabrina- Gotta go.
She leaves to make her own phone call as Bob takes his.
Bob Gordon- Hello? Who is this? Yes I’m alone. In the brief case?
He opens up his brief case and takes out a photograph.
Bob Gordon- (Cont.) Oh dear lord! Where did you get this photo? Name your price, I’ll pay you anything. U-hu! U-hu, that’s it? No, no, no. No problem. You just keep those negatives to yourself and I promise your cat will be named best of show.
Salem spits out the mouthful of milk in shocked surprise as Bob shuts off the phone, puts it down and goes back into his office. He lifts the waste bin on to the desk and tears up the photo into little pieces before dropping it in. Back in the main room he grabs his brief case and leaves passing Sabrina on his way out.
Sabrina- Good night again Mr Gordon.
Bob Gordon- Outa my way!
Sabrina- (To Salem) What’s with him?
Salem- The contest is fixed, the judge is being blackmailed with an incriminating photo.
Sabrina- You're kidding, of what?
Salem- I don’t know but he took it into his office.
Sabrina- I’ll go check.
Salem- I’ll stay here.
Int. Bob Gordon’s office. Sabrina enters and sees the waste bin on the desk. A little magic and all the little pieces of photo are whole again.
Int. Main room- Bob comes back in, he’s forgotten his mobile phone.
Bob Gordon- There it is.
Int. Bob Gordon’s office. Sabrina looks at the photo.
Sabrina- Incredible. If people only knew.
Int. Main room. Bob notices his office door is ajar.
Bob Gordon- I thought I closed that.
Bob heads for the door.
Salem- Meow! MEOW!
Int. Bob Gordon’s office. Sabrina hears Salem’s warning meow and realises someone’s coming.
Sabrina- Oh no!
She stuffs the photo in the top of her pants and works a bit of quick magic. Bob enters.
Bob Gordon- Kitty? Kitty, how did you get in here?
He picks up the blonde cat with the braided leather collar so reminiscent of the choker that Sabrina had been wearing.
Int. Main room. Bob comes in with the cat and puts it in the vacant cage next to Salem’s
Bob Gordon- Okay, there you go, there you go. Oh you are a pretty little kitty. To bad you don’t have a chance.
He turns off the lights and leaves.
Salem- Sabrina, where are you?
Sabrina- Next to you, in a cage. Salem this is awful, if I can’t point I can’t turn myself back. What was that!
Sabrina- There’s something in here with me!
Sabrina- Oh, it’s just my tail.
The door opens and Hilda and Zelda enter the darkened room.
Zelda- Sabrina, are you in here?
Sabrina- Yes, next to Salem.
They look at the cages one has a black cat the other a blonde one.
Sabrina- Hi, or should I say meow.
Hilda turns on the lights.
Hilda- Oh, look how cute the wittle blonde kitty is.
She puts her finger through the mesh to tickle Sabrina’s nose.
Sabrina- I have claws and I will use them. Now change me back.
Zelda- Here you go.
She opens the cage and lifts Sabrina out.
Zelda- (Cont.) Help me Hilda.
The pair cast there spell and Sabrina changes back.
Sabrina- That feels so much... Aaaargh!
Well at least her face did, the rest remains distinctly feline.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Change the rest of me!
Hilda does her thing and Sabrina morphs back into her more comfortable form.
Zelda- Now what is going on?
Sabrina- I’ll explain but right now I really have to get home and brush my teeth.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda are sat at the table looking at the photo of Bob Gordon, Sabrina retches over the sink and spits something up into her hand.
Sabrina- Oh, another hair-ball.
Zelda- And to think they call Bob Gordon the most trusted name in New England news.
Sabrina- Who would have thought the cat show would be a cauldron of corruption.
Hilda- Don’t give up, all you have to do is figure out who the blackmailer is.
Sabrina- The problem is everyone has a motive, everyone wants to win.
Zelda- But only the blackmailer took this picture. A reverse angle spell will tell us who that is.
She casts the spell on the photo.
Zelda- There, and the blackmailer is...
She peels back the sheet covering the photo and hands it to Sabrina.
Sabrina- The person wearing a loose robe obscured by shadow with a big camera covering his, or her face.
Hilda- There must be some distinguishing characteristic.
Sabrina- All you can see is the right hand and... wait a sec, does that look like a whole finger to you?
Zelda- No. Whoever took this photo is missing half an index finger.
Hilda- And that’s who your blackmailer is.
Int. Greater Boston Cat Show, the following day. Sabrina has filled Salem in on what they have discovered.
Salem- So it’s not over?
Sabrina- Not even close. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go meet and greet.
She licks the back of her hand and rubs her hair back with it.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Did I just do a cat thing?
She walks across the room.
Sabrina- Good morning Mrs Ericson, I just wanted to wish you good luck, may the best cat win.
Mrs Ericson- You mean my Duke, thanks.
She holds Duke in her right arm and reaches out to shake Sabrina’s hand with her left. She wears white gloves, Sabrina can’t see her fingers. She moves on to the next, Andrew who is grooming his cat.
Sabrina- Oh what a nice grooming mitt, may I see it?
He pulls the mitt that’s on his right hand behind him.
Andrew- Get you own, you're the competition.
Strike two, now for Haley.
Sabrina- Haley, I just wanted to say it’s been really great getting to know you.
She holds out her hand to shake but Haley keeps her hands firmly tucked under her arms.
Haley- I don’t touch people.
Strike three, she’s outa there and heads back to the dug out, or at least Salem’s cage just as her aunts arrive.
Zelda- How goes the investigation?
Sabrina- Not good, my three prime suspects are all cleverly concealing their hands.
Hilda- I know how to fix that.
She points at the table and a plate of pastries appears.
Hilda- (Cont.) Mini quiche’s, no one can resist them.
Sabrina- Oh, looks good.
She reaches for one but Zelda slaps her hand away.
Zelda- Those aren’t for you, they’re for the blackmailer.
She puts the tray in Sabrina’s hands and sends her to hand them out.
Sabrina- Free quiche, help yourselves.
Mrs Ericson- Oh, don’t mind if I do.
She removes her glove as she comes over.
Andrew- Maybe just one.
He takes off his grooming mitt.
Haley- I did skip breakfast.
The three of them reach for the tray and all stop dead as their hands meet and gasp in surprise.
Mrs Ericson- Well look at that! I thought I was the only one.
Andrew- This is amazing. Shot glass?
Mrs Ericson- Farm accident.
Haley- I used to keep Wolverines.
Mrs Ericson- We should start a support group. Oh, thanks for the quiche.
They all grab a quiche and wonder off to discuss their fingers. Sabrina goes back to Salem’s cage.
Sabrina- It’s over Salem, the blackmailer has the perfect cover.
Salem- Then take me home. I want to enjoy something pure, like harness racing.
Sabrina- He’s not going to get away with this.
She strides across the room and intercepts Bob.
Sabrina- Mr Gordon, I need to talk to you, right away.
Bob Gordon- I’m about to make the best of show presentation.
Sabrina- It can wait.
She takes his arm and shoves him towards his office.
Bob Gordon- Pushy, like a young Diane Sawyer.
Int. Bob Gordon’s office. They enter.
Bob Gordon- What is it?
Sabrina- I know you're being blackmailed. I saw the photo and I know your secret.
Bob Gordon- So what d’you want, second place?
Sabrina- No. Look don’t give in them, come clean. You don’t have to hide the fact that you're...
Bob Gordon- (Interrupting) Don’t say it!
Bob Gordon- Shh, shh, shh!
He rushes over and pushes the office door too.
Bob Gordon- (Cont.) You have no idea what this means, it could destroy my career.
Sabrina- How? Aren’t honesty and integrity the most important things to a journalist?
Bob Gordon- Not in this decade. People like people with hair, they’ve done studies. The public hasn’t trusted a bald man since Eisenhower.
Sabrina- But they believe in you and you're not playing fair.
Bob Gordon- You wanna talk fair, I wore a toupee to my first frat party. Don’t talk to me about fair.
He turns and leaves.
Int. Main room later. Everyone’s stood round with their cats waiting for the winner to be announced. Harvey dashes in and joins Sabrina.
Harvey- Sabrina, I didn’t want to miss Salem’s big showdown. I’m not late am I?
Sabrina- You didn’t miss anything except confirmation we live in a rotten, crooked, corrupt, stinking world.
Bob Gordon- The moment we’ve all been waiting for has arrived. What does it take to be a championship cat? Mrs Ericson, may I please see Duke?
Zelda- (To Hilda) So that’s who the blackmailer is.
Mrs Ericson hands her cat to Bob who holds it up to the room.
Bob Gordon- Duke is a fine, superb cat. Note the tail, the bone structure, the excellent tension in the whiskers.
He gently tugs one and it comes away in his fingers.
Bob Gordon- (Cont.) What-what-what is this!
Salem- (To the room) That cat has whisker extensions!
Everyone looks around wondering who said that.
Andrew- Those are illegal!
Mrs Ericson- No they’re not. I checked the rule book very carefully and there’s nothing wrong with whisker extensions.
Bob Gordon- Absolutely. If Mrs Ericson would like to glue bits of hair onto her animal to improve it’s image, she can. It may seem a little desperate, a little silly, a little vane. But who are we to...
He holds up the cat and looks at it.
Bob Gordon- (Cont.) Oh dear lord, it’s like looking into a mirror.
He glances across at Sabrina and makes a decision.
Bob Gordon- (Cont.) It’s time to come clean. Our top story tonight is this.
He grabs the top of his hair piece and dramatically rips it off. Gasps of shock and surprise go around the room as Bob’s shiny dome is displayed to the world.
Harvey- He’s bald!
Mrs Ericson dashes over, snatches his toupee and tries to put it back on his head.
Mrs Ericson- None of you saw this.
Bob Gordon- Stop, it’s over.
Sabrina- No, it’s just the beginning.
She takes the toupee and turns to the people around her.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Mr Gordon thought he needed this to gain peoples trust, but trust should not depend on fake hair, trust should depend on real knowledge, integrity and accurate reporting.
Hilda- Sabrina, he’s on TV news.
Sabrina- Still, we should all applaud this man who stood before us and bared his naked head.
Bob Gordon- Thank you.
Andrew- Big deal!
He whips off his flat cap to reveal his own shiny dome. Mr Blofeld comes over also wondering what all this baldness hoo-haa is about.
Andrew- (Cont.) Now can we get on with the competition? Who won best of show?
Mrs Ericson- Duke did, he was already announced the winner.
Bob Gordon- I take it back. I’m disqualifying you for attempting to influence a cat show official and that is in the rule book.
Mrs Ericson- You don’t understand. Duke is getting older, he’s not as pretty as he used to be. Oh God, I miss my youth.
She runs crying from the room.
Andrew- Talk about cracking under the pressure.
Haley- Enough about people, who’s the best cat?
Bob Gordon- The truth makes that decision easy. This weekend I have met a rare and extraordinary cat, a cat unlike any other. Where is Salem Saberhagen?
Sabrina, Harvey, Hilda and Zelda are all overjoyed but no one as much as Salem himself. Sabrina walks forward with him in her arms.
Salem- Oh my god, everything’s in slow motion.
Bob Gordon- Now here is a cat who is not only attractive but intelligent and I would like to award it the first prize blue ribbon... Whoa! Whoa! Wait a minute. There is another cat. The most beautiful little kitty I have ever seen, where is that blonde cat?
Sabrina- (To Salem) What blonde cat? Wait a sec.
She dashes over to Hilda and hands over Salem.
Sabrina- (Cont.)I know where she is.
She runs out of the room.
Harvey- (To Hilda) What is she doing? Her cat was about to win.
Hilda- Don’t worry Harvey, Sabrina always lands on her feet.
A little blonde cat enters and meows up at Zelda.
Sabrina- Pretend I belong to you.
Zelda picks Sabrina up and goes forward.
Zelda- Is this the cat you're looking for?
Bob Gordon- Why yes, what’s her name?
Harvey- (To Hilda) She named her cat Sabrina? Doesn’t that get confusing around the house?
Hilda- Oh it’s a pretty confusing place in general.
Bob Gordon- I am pleased and proud to announce, and with the upmost integrity, that this blonde cat is best of show grand champion.
The other contestants applaud politely.
Salem- (To Hilda) I was so close (Sob)
Later. Harvey holds Sabrina in his arms and tickles her beneath her chin.
Zelda- No Harvey, she’s not for sale.
Harvey- Are you sure? She’s the sweetest, most beautiful cat I’ve ever held.
Hilda comes up to them smiling.
Hilda- All set.
Zelda- What did you do?
Hilda- I felt bad for Bob Gordon so I left a little present in his office.
Int. Bob Gordon’s office. Bob throws his toupee down on the desk and sits. He picks up the mirror that’s lying there.
Bob Gordon- Let's check out the damage.
He looks into The Make Over Mirror.
Bob Gordon- Oh My! I look fabulous. Bobby baby, Bobby booby. I’m Bob Gordon and this is eye witness action news centre eight.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina is in bed, Salem lies on her table sulking.
Sabrina- Come on Salem.
Salem- Meow! Meow!
Sabrina- You have to talk to me sometime.
She sits on the edge of her bed and tickles his chin. She’s discovered for herself just how good that feels.
Sabrina- (Cont.) I’ve got you chin.
Salem- Oh, oh that feels good. Wait, I’m still mad at you, I can’t believe you did that to me.
Sabrina- I said I was sorry. My vanity took over but it all worked out fine. Harvey and I get to go to Funland and I promise to pay off your debt.
Salem- I guess the money is all that matters.
Sabrina- No it’s not and that’s why you should have this.
Salem- The blue ribbon?
She puts the rosette around his neck.
Sabrina- You deserve it. After all, you are the best cat.
Salem- I just got a little something in my eye.
Int. Spellman living room. There’s a knock at the front door, Zelda answers.
Zelda- Dirk! I was hoping you’d stop by today.
Dirk- I’ve brought your mail and some Omaha steaks I found in the unclaimed mail room.
Zelda- How thoughtful. Hey, would you like to come in for a cup of coffee?
Dirk- I’d like that. Wow! It’s really happening.
Int. Spellman kitchen. She guides Dirk to the table and goes to the counter to get the coffee.
Zelda- Do you take cream and sugar?
Dirk- Yes please. Hey, you're reading the magazine I brought you.
Zelda- Yes and I’m paying the bills you brought me too.
Dirk- Sorry about those. Enough shop talk, y’see Zelda my interest in you is not purely professional. You are no mere occupant to me, you're the bright spot on my route. Can you meet my parents this Sunday?
Zelda- I think first you should get to know the real me.
Dirk I think I know you pretty well.
Zelda turns round and brings the coffee over. She has not just been making the coffee however, a few dabs of Revulsion have been added behind the ears. Her hair is stuck down, she has a big wart beside her nose and the two front teeth would do a Beaver proud.
Zelda- Here's your coffee.
He looks up at her and is completely un-revolted.
Dirk- Thanks. Are you a little tired?
Zelda- I’m exhausted.